Considering ending it all....

[HealingTime]

Basically last night my husband told me if we could afford separate places, he would ask for a separation. I had severe anxiety and was panicking. Big time. I was going to sleep in my office to a kid him because my anxiety was scaring me and I didn't want to have an episode with him. I was in the middle of trying to figure out how to end it all. How could I just get it over with. I wanted to go out and drive recklessly around windy roads and see what happened. It was raining out and I was hopeful I could have an accident.

I was texting a friend who was begging me not to do it. She even pulled the tough love crap was even if I made it look like an accident she'd tell my husband it was on purpose so he could share her guilt. I want him to think it was an accident so he won't hate me.

I ended up takin 2 sleeping pills and just going to bed. This morning husband asked me why I told him I was afraid of him last night cause that was one of my control tactics over him. I was in panic and I only remember saying I was scared. I explained to him I only meant I was scared to be around him and scared to be around myself and not scared OF him. I will never pull a control victim tactic like that again.

I am in a very bad place right now and still thinking how I can get myself killed. I'm not sure yet. He says he is moving to spare room today and I have a free pass to do whatever I want. Means he's given up. But then he says if it was meant to be it will be. That gives me hope.

Today is going to be hard but I have to grow up and get some work done. Period.

Hope to not have any attacks. If I panic and leave work I'm not sure where I will go or what I will do.

[DodgingRain]

Hang in there. Think of the perfect relationship just waiting for you. All you have to do is go find it.

[HealingTime]

I can't think of losing him. But I just found out mr "i've got nothing to hide" lied to me about a text he got last night. Trust is gone I guess.

[em1]

I can't think of losing him. But I just found out mr "i've got nothing to hide" lied to me about a text he got last night. Trust is gone I guess.

How do you know he lied?

[HealingTime]

He told me the text was from someone at work. I called and asked for that someone and no one by that name works there. I asked him and he said "fine she's just a friend" and that's it.

[Lin]

Healing time don't consider ending your life because of your husband and his lies. Ending your life has to be something which you need to do for you and not because of someone else. My husband is sick of my depression and is really struggling with my recent stupid acts - he is desperate not to lose me, but i still see hatred in his eyes when he is fed up with my depression and having no social life anymore.

[HealingTime]

So Lin, how do you survive each day?

[em1]

So Lin, how do you survive each day?

You pick yourself up and make sure you come first,you can't control others and how they feel or what they do,but you can yourself,your giving him power and he knows it,you need to stop and think about you and no one is worth killing there self over no way

[HealingTime]

How can I focus on me when my life feels like its ending. How can I focus on me and not lose him?

[em1]

How can I focus on me when my life feels like its ending. How can I focus on me and not lose him?

Your Heath needs to come
First,if you can't get better then how's it going to make your marriage any better in the long
Run

[HealingTime]

But I feel that if my marriage would improve I would improve. I'm deep in depression over my marriage... so I can I pull out of that if the marriage is in the dumps? I just don't see it. It's like a chicken and egg thing, you know? I'm afraid to get out and do more .... for fear he'll like not having me around. I'm afraid to be here cause he doesn't like me much right now. If he'd just show a nibble of interest.... it would help. I know that's wrong, but it's where I'm at. I just don't know what to do next.....

[Lin]

It is really difficult because at the moment I could end my life any day because of the pressure in my head at work and home. I have been acting on these thoughts for the first time ever and although my husband can't talk to me at all about it he has reacted so strongly by not letting me out of the house or keeping all tablets out of reach that all my nurses and therapists say you can see how scared he is of losing me. It has not made him more sympathetic or kind when I need him to be but at times he has said that I can get through this as I have before and that him and my son need me.
I still lose sight of their love and need when my head gets too bad and i act in my bad thoughts, but when I am not taken over by my head their love and need does stop me.

[HealingTime]

I'm so glad your husband is supportive! I'm not the right person to tell you not to do it because I'm on the same boat. I research the pills in my house and how many would it take to OD or what else could I do.

When I'm not taken over by my head, I can see the future. Today I was prepared to divorce my husband. Now that I'm home and visited with my son and saw my husband, I don't want that. I want my family. It's so hard.

That's when I want to just off myself. It would take all the pain away from husband and from me.

[Lin]

I know what you mean it is easy to think that if you were gone you would take away their pain because we feel useless to them at the moment.
However, the other day for the first time ever I phoned my 22 year old son to stop me doing something. I actually pleaded with him that he did not need me so it was OK to go. He became very distressed and begged me to think about being part ofhis future. I have never distressed my son before and have never felt the need to, but I was shocked how upset I made him and how definite he was that he needed me. He made me promise to go back home and to get help to stop me. I realised then that I had talked myself into not being wanted or loved so I could go without regret, but the truth was quite different.
I regret upsetting my son and it now makes it harder to act but it did make me realise that our heads can make us believe whatever it wants when it takes over.

[cheesecake]

Healing time no offense but your husband sounds like a scumbag. When I was going through my anxiety I was living with my ex fiance. I was so sick I became compliant. I didn't want to loose him so I let him be an asshole to me. Nowadays I wish I would have kicked him out. I wish I wasn't so afraid. I would've had better closure had I stepped up for myself and not been such a bitch about things. This is your chance now. If you're anxiety is really bad right now its your body telling you the relationship is unhealthy to you. Tell him it's fine you want to leave, but I'm leaving too. Give me 10 days to find a new place and I'll be out. Fax me the divorce papers. You're not good for my health. If you were more caring and understanding I wouldn't be here anymore. I would've been cured. Enjoy your new slut, lying bastard. I'm going through a rough time and all you can do is think about getting laid. Next time you marry some other bitch take your vows seriously, through thick and thin!! Maybe you should be leaving him.

He'll probably lash out and say some mean things, but let it all roll off your back. You need some love and tender care, for the time being. Not someone expecting so much from you. To become a pillar for others you need to first mend your wounds. When I was anxious I was obsessing over the way I felt(bad all the time) I had no time to pay attention to anyone else, much less, give love and care to someone. Heal yourself! Then find loving. Or find someone willing to help you get better, someone kind and understanding, someone who isn't judgemental. Make sure they CUDDLE!! they have to be lovey dovey!! cuddling releases oxytocin! which helps with anxiety, it causes you to feel safe and protected. Cuddle tons with this new person. Fuck your asshole husband! Heal for some months, you'll see improvements, and you can surprise them with the new you!

[cheesecake]

I don't think you should talk to your husband Like I mentioned above. But you can strategies something more mature and understanding. But I think you need someone new. Let this new person see you at your worse and let them see you bloom into a beautiful flower. :)

[HealingTime]

Lin, I've only talked to a friend about it and she begs me not to so it. She insists it would devastate my son and my mother. But you're right, I've talked myself into believing they'd get over it. My son got over the death of his bio mom, he'll get over me. I'd leave him a very loving note explaining the depression and anxiety so it wouldn't be his fault.

Cheesecake, you might be right about my husband being a scumbag. I always thought I didn't trust him because of my insecurity, but I'm not so sure now. He never leaves his phone for two seconds and hides his screen all the time.

Part of me wants to agree with you and part if me does agree with you. But part of me isn't ready to throw on the towel. We had a beautiful honeymoon phase a few months ago which was amazing. Cuddling, texting, loving and trust. He was home right after work and we hung together and went on dates. That was just a few months ago so it is very fresh in my mind how good it can be. I am holding onto that as a possibility and that's why I'm not ready to call it quits.

I flip back and forth throughout the day. Yesterday I was ready to find a friend to live with and move out. The logistics if splitting scares me too. Two houses, so much debt, and he informed me we split our 401 plans and mind is huge compared to his. Then I get scared and flip back and remember the honeymoon phase and want to make it work. I know myself. I won't call it quits until I'm ready. I'm not ready but I'm more ready than I was a week ago.

[DodgingRain]

Lin, I've only talked to a friend about it and she begs me not to so it. She insists it would devastate my son and my mother. But you're right, I've talked myself into believing they'd get over it. My son got over the death of his bio mom, he'll get over me. I'd leave him a very loving note explaining the depression and anxiety so it wouldn't be his fault.

I think your underestimating the damage it could do. He also may not really be over his bio mom. Symptoms from these things can reappear years or decades later and nearly destroy someone's life at that point when they have seemed to be fine for a long time. Been there, it sucks, for them and those around them. What you do can and does affect the family for generations.

Ultimately keep solace in the fact that your not at your braking point yet and you are getting through this.

[HealingTime]

I'm close to my breaking point, but you are right... I'm not there yet. I want to prove to my husband that my issues can be solved ... anxiety.... lying from low self esteem....being overly sensitive for the same reason.

I wonder if there is something stronger my therapist can provide to make the sick feeling go away. The Xanax... well I need 2 of those to survive and that's not enough. I need something to up me for a while. To help me make it to the gym and keep my chin up and feel better. Something euphoric. It's the only way I feel I'll survive.

[cheesecake]

Valium. any kind of opiate. I haven't personally tried them. But an up on medication would be good.

[mindtides]

sorry need 10 posts

[Lin]

Healing Time - last few days managed to get sleep tablets right so getting some sleep now and it has made a real difference to how low and desperate I feel. It might be good for you to get some sleep sorted if not done so already.
Also therapist and pyschologist been seeing last month have really helped by looking at my personality and working out what my triggers are and where I go round in viscious circles and then think suicide or self harm.
They have started to teach me where my character can put the stops into the circle so go onto an OK state rather than suicidal. Long way from managing it, but do now notice when spiralling or ruminating out of control so can stop that sometimes more quickly, but only if head not so bad no control at all and just act.

[HealingTime]

Healing Time - last few days managed to get sleep tablets right so getting some sleep now and it has made a real difference to how low and desperate I feel. It might be good for you to get some sleep sorted if not done so already.
Also therapist and pyschologist been seeing last month have really helped by looking at my personality and working out what my triggers are and where I go round in viscious circles and then think suicide or self harm.
They have started to teach me where my character can put the stops into the circle so go onto an OK state rather than suicidal. Long way from managing it, but do now notice when spiralling or ruminating out of control so can stop that sometimes more quickly, but only if head not so bad no control at all and just act.

I've been taking sleeping pills and I'm still up a lot during the night. Last night was better though.

As far as being suicidal, I still think about it a lot but I think I'm past the scary I might actually do it stage. For now maybe. It was last week Monday I cleared out my desk at work.

I'm preparing mentally for divorce and life after.

[DodgingRain]

My desk has been cleared out of anything personal for over 5 years. I can grab my backpack and walk out within seconds. When I leave at night there is absolutely nothing of mine at work.

[HealingTime]

My desk has been cleared out of anything personal for over 5 years. I can grab my backpack and walk out within seconds. When I leave at night there is absolutely nothing of mine at work.

Do you do that for the same reason I cleaned out my desk?

[Ahlstrom]

I am sorry to hear of this.

After my mother and father got divorced when I was 10 my mom would have crazy panic attacks and depression every night, I only learned that 9 years after.

If you are feeling suicidal check yourself into a self help facility, they take any possible way of self harm out. I went there when I felt like ... Euthanizing myself from tons of pain caused by a bad reaction to medicine.

[HealingTime]

I am sorry to hear of this.

After my mother and father got divorced when I was 10 my mom would have crazy panic attacks and depression every night, I only learned that 9 years after.

If you are feeling suicidal check yourself into a self help facility, they take any possible way of self harm out. I went there when I felt like ... Euthanizing myself from tons of pain caused by a bad reaction to medicine.

I will either end it or I won't. I won't seek help I don't want to get out away. For me or would be too much on top of what I'm already dealing with.

[DodgingRain]

Partly, and partly so I can just say fuck the world and disappear easier either via suicide or some other way.

[jessy]

I am sorry to hear about your troubles .

I have been where you are & I did try to end my life , I failed miserably & ended up crashing my car (writing it off) and then in hospital then got a drink & drug driving conviction .

That was 18 months + ago . The shame & guilt & pain I caused my family was terrible .

Please please don't make the same mistake I did
God bless you & I hope by now you are feeling at least a little better
Xx

[HealingTime]

I am sorry to hear about your troubles .

I have been where you are & I did try to end my life , I failed miserably & ended up crashing my car (writing it off) and then in hospital then got a drink & drug driving conviction .

That was 18 months + ago . The shame & guilt & pain I caused my family was terrible .

Please please don't make the same mistake I did
God bless you & I hope by now you are feeling at least a little better
Xx

Jessy I'm sorry you went through that. I am scared of failing which is one reason I'm still here. I am feeling a bit better ... Today.

[DodgingRain]

Jessy I'm sorry you went through that. I am scared of failing which is one reason I'm still here. I am feeling a bit better ... Today.

Same here, don't want to fail and don't like physical pain. That and there is some fear of the other side which is probably dumb since I'm going to end up there eventually one way or another. I have thoughts almost every day about calling into work and then waiting until everyone leaves and going and sitting on the train tracks or running into a tree at 120mph on the cycle with no gear.

I think what I've learned in the last 5 years is that when it comes down to it no one really cares about anyone else's happiness unless it affects them directly. If I faked being ok I doubt anyone around me would give a shit that I'm really miserable, of course they say they do but based on my experience that is BS. At this point I really don't trust anything anyone says.

[MegC]

Well... I might not say what you wanna hear! But im gonna out it out there anyways! Suicide is the most selfish way out! So you asshole husband is doing some stupid shit all men do at one point in there lives! Think about all the people who love you! Think about how you sons life would be without you! Think about how he is gonna have to deal with not just one mom passing, but now 2 if you decide this is the right thing!? Not many people get 2 moms..... Put yourself in your kids shoes!!!! I have always done that with mine, so suicide is NEVER an option.... Getting better was! And can I just throw God into this equation!?!? Do you believe??? Do you think of you pretend it was some sort of accident God doesn't know what is really going on??? Killing is killing! You kill yourself, you kill! I can't put into words how much getting in with God has helped me heal! Also... I had a POS husband!!!! Still kinda do!!! Guaranteed... He is the reason for 90% of your anxiety! So maybe getting rid of him won't be so bad! Maybe this is god healing you!!!!!! Live this situation...... Grow from it.... And do whatever it takes to get yourself better! Try church?!? It helps to believe there is something after this craziness!!!! Peace!!!

[mistiblue]

There is NOTHING worth taking your life over!! Nothing! You are not in control of your fate. Wanting to be with you husband is fine, but there comes a time when we have to let go. I think if you would just realize your husband is causing most of your anxiety, you can start the healing process. People who suffer with anxiety think to much, we want to think ahead and try to control everything. When we can't resolve everything it becomes a problem.
I agree with a PP. Understanding that there is a God who is there and cares will put things in a new perspective. Hope your feeling better by the time you read this.

[HealingTime]

You all mean so much to me and your words are amazingly strong.


I know it is selfish and I know my husband would hate me forever and maybe even my son if I killed myself. That's part if the reason I wish it was my time and I would just go. And why I want to make it look like an accident.

God... I don't know. I have a hard time believing what I can't see. And if there is a God why is he punishing me like this? Sure He only go we us what we can handle but why do I have to handle this. Why can't my husband just wake up and realize marriage is hard at times and move on? Why am I living this hell?

Sure, cause I'm not ready to leave him. I get that. But I'm not ready til I've felt I've put MY all into it. I am preparing myself mentally for life after divorce and I do see happiness there but I also can still see happiness with my husband. If I change my anxiety which has caused is many many marital problems then our dynamic might change for the better. I have power here.

Yes he is he cause for 100% of my anxiety. I know that. But I also know I'm strong and if I learn to recognize it and learn to tell myself the things that freak me out aren't THAT huge a deal, I can diminish the anxiety.

I have to try til I feel I've done everything. Otherwise I may never forgive myself. I think I see divorce as inevitable because of his immaturity and I think a mid life crisis but I'm just not ready. I will forever blame myself until I feel I gave it my all. I feel stronger in that my all no longer means I end up dead

I still have moments during an attack I wish to die but I'm coping better. And I have a text friend who talks me down more or less

If God is out there's why won't he hear me that this is too much? Take me or help my husband come around or make my husband admit HE wants out so I can survive.

[jessy]

People who have got to the point of suicide are very unwell & usually have been for a very long time . The delicate balance of their mind is unstable & they need help . Usually it is to late & they don't get the help they need .

I have a family member that took his own life & I certainly never see it as a selfish act .

People who take their life's still go to heaven in my opinion . God does not judge & these people are seriously seriously Ill.

I hope you are feeling a bit better by now & that these thoughts are lessening

Jessy xx

[mistiblue]

It is never too late for anyone. The act of suicide is taking ones own life in their hands. God has a plan for all of us and when it is our time He will decide. We go through pain and suffering for many different reasons, sometimes it's for us to lean MORE on God. Sometimes it's to make us stronger and sometimes it's our own fault. God gives each of us free will...sometimes our decisions get us into trouble. I am a devout Christian and believe whole heartedly that God loves me and is guiding me through this season of my life. It is possible to get better..one step at a time. Suicide is not the will of God, when a person takes their own life they are basically saying God is not strong enough. Sorry not trying to preach...I just really believe you can and WILL get through this and it IS NOT too late!

[DodgingRain]

I don't think its a selfish act at all. To me calling it selfish is minimizing the pain someone is dealing with and is disrespectful. Its more that the pain level outweighs someone's ability to cope and essentially puts a person in mental overload so to speak. Since each of us is different and the everyone situation is different the breaking point is different. We are not in their feet so I don't think its right to judge the act.

Personally it sounds like HealingTime has a stubborn streak as well. That stubborn streak will get her through this kicking and screaming, its just a question of if she can control her triggers and if hubby is up for salvaging the situation.

[MegC]

Let me just say this... It is the quote that got me thru a lot!!!! "You were given this life, because you are strong enough to handle it." Don't end it on your terms, let God do that! I wish you the best and all the happiness in the world!

[HealingTime]

I don't think its a selfish act at all. To me calling it selfish is minimizing the pain someone is dealing with and is disrespectful. Its more that the pain level outweighs someone's ability to cope and essentially puts a person in mental overload so to speak. Since each of us is different and the everyone situation is different the breaking point is different. We are not in their feet so I don't think its right to judge the act.

Personally it sounds like HealingTime has a stubborn streak as well. That stubborn streak will get her through this kicking and screaming, its just a question of if she can control her triggers and if hubby is up for salvaging the situation.

Ha you hit the nail on the head. I do have a stubborn streak. I suspect hubby is not up for salvaging us, but at that point I know I tried.

Ultimately his actions are my triggers. So I'm not sure how I can control them. I did not control my attack the other night BUT I did not do my usual actions. I took my excess energy and arm around the block. That was a success, no?

[HealingTime]

Let me just say this... It is the quote that got me thru a lot!!!! "You were given this life, because you are strong enough to handle it." Don't end it on your terms, let God do that! I wish you the best and all the happiness in the world!

Is it wrong I wish God would hurry up and do it already? That's how I feel.

[HealingTime]

You know I find dodgingrain's point if view refreshing. To say it's selfish is minimizing the pain someone is in to lead to that point. If I did find a way to kill myself, I would write my loved ones letters so they would know my pain was overbearing and it's not their fault and please know I'm at peace.

Is that really so wrong?

[Lin]

I keep saying my husband and son would be OK if I do it. But the nurses etc keep telling me that however you say goodbye etc or whatever your reason, your family never get over it and it ruins their lives.
I find it hard to believe at moments when i really want to do it, and didn't give anyone a thought when took an overdose, but if u start to think before I act then what they say about ruining their lives does make me stop.
I even begged my son the other day that he no longer needed me but just got him worried and upset but his response did stop me at the time from walking across a busy road not looking. But i have never done that to him before and i would only ever do it again if really desperate because i did upset him badly.

[DodgingRain]

Ha you hit the nail on the head. I do have a stubborn streak. I suspect hubby is not up for salvaging us, but at that point I know I tried.

Ultimately his actions are my triggers. So I'm not sure how I can control them. I did not control my attack the other night BUT I did not do my usual actions. I took my excess energy and arm around the block. That was a success, no?

That's a success!!

The reality is our brains work on patterns. The more our brain does something the stronger the pattern is and the more likely something is to become automatic and happen through a subconscious thought vs. a conscious one.

If we have reacted a certain way to a trigger over an extended time period its going to take quite a bit of work to undo that pattern and create a stronger new one. So if your trigger is your husbands actions and this has been going on for a long time you probably have very strong patterns in your brain that it follows automatically (subconsciously) when the trigger takes place. These can be all kinds of things like hormone releases, memories, bla, bla, bla.
BUT!!!!!
You now know what is going on at a conscious level and can short circuit those patterns and work on creating a new one. When you get the trigger now your sometimes realizing it and able to stop what your brain would normally just do automatically and make it do something different instead. But you have to create those new patterns that happen based on those triggers and you have to make them strong enough to override the old patterns. So when a trigger happens you have to do your best to realize it, stop how your reacting, and try and force yourself to react how you want to. The more you do that the stronger you make the new pattern and the more likely it is that your subconscious can take over and use the new pattern(GOOD). The sooner you notice the bad pattern after a trigger the sooner you can short circuit those behaviors and try and use the new ones. Patterns we don't use get old, stale and weak, like all the math you could do at one point but can't remember how to anymore because you never use it. The pattern got weak and those parts of the brain were probably reused for something else.

It is what it is and it's going to take time and reacting correctly to the trigger, not much you can do other than wait and try and react the way you want. I believe this is more or less the core of CBT and sort of exposure therapy, which is to realize what your doing and restructure your brain intentionally to react differently.

Of course there is the other alternative which is to eliminate the trigger.


Hehehe, that stubborn streak? Got that here too. Normally that's considered a bad thing but there are some big advantages to being stubborn to, so turn that weakness into a strength. Use that stubborn streak to decide you ARE going to change how you think and rely on that stubborn streak to FORCE you to get there even when the rest of you is kicking and screaming and has to be dragged along. There is no such thing as bad/good, those are only value judgments we apply to things so decide being stubborn is good instead of bad and take advantage of what it offers. My stubborn streak has forced me to make some of the biggest most important changes in my life, most of which has been for the better.

You'll get there.

[DodgingRain]

I keep saying my husband and son would be OK if I do it. But the nurses etc keep telling me that however you say goodbye etc or whatever your reason, your family never get over it and it ruins their lives.
I find it hard to believe at moments when i really want to do it, and didn't give anyone a thought when took an overdose, but if u start to think before I act then what they say about ruining their lives does make me stop.
I even begged my son the other day that he no longer needed me but just got him worried and upset but his response did stop me at the time from walking across a busy road not looking. But i have never done that to him before and i would only ever do it again if really desperate because i did upset him badly.

The thing is though, that was gets drilled into everyone's head in therapy is that how you react is your responsibility, with maybe kids being an exception. So if you extrapolate that to other people it becomes their fault if your suicide ruins their life because they reacted poorly. Interesting eh?

Yah, that little paradox kind of sours me on the therapy thing, in addition to when I was in crisis and needed my therapist she went on medical leave for 6 months without referring her patients to anyone leaving me out to dry only a few weeks after a total nervous breakdown/suicide attempt.

I dunno. I don't think it's right to judge someone for doing it, I do think it's basically more pain than someone has the coping mechanisms to deal with. I also do think it causes a lot of pain to those around you regardless of who's fault that pain actually is.

If suicide is right or wrong doesn't really matter. Right and wrong are only value judgments we apply to things and everyone's value system is different.

All I know for sure is that depression is a bitch and her sister anxiety is psychopath. It's a shitty family to be in.

[Lin]

I agree real shit to be in!!!!!

[Strawberry]

Is it wrong I wish God would hurry up and do it already? That's how I feel.

I believe in God and there were many times when I wanted something but I didn't get it but when I waited I ended up getting something much better that actually increased my faith in Him more. I am a Muslim so maybe my views may be a little different but we believe in being patient because this life is a test for us. You love your husband and you want to be with him but God sees what this man is doing (if he is doing something wrong) and He knows you deserve better so maybe this is a way for you to become stronger, and find someone better who will love you the way you want to be loved and the way you should be loved. You need someone who will help you with your anxiety not be a trigger for you. This may be the worst thing in the world for you now but if you look at your life as a whole this may be a blessing in disguise. I loved many people in my life who I am not with now, each time I thought they were "the one" but the next one was also better than the last. You just have to open your heart and you have to think about those who truly care about you. You also have us who you have never even seen before telling you that we want you to live, you basically have captured the hearts of strangers.

Please, allow God to take your life when He decides it is best for you. You have the potential to change your life completely instead of throwing it away. If this does not convince you, look at all the people in these anxiety threads who have worries about death. They think they have cancer, they think they have AIDS and all these horrible diseases but they want to live. Think about those people who have passed away from cancer, AIDS and even my biggest fear...Rabies...and how they wish they had a chance to live another day. Please do not forget these people and if you don't want to live for your son at least live for those children who would do anything to have the life you have, the chance to have a beating heart and to be able to breathe.

[HealingTime]

That's a very powerful post. Thank you. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just struggle remembering all this through all my pain. I can finally see life after my marriage as a happy thing so I think I'm past the worst pain which was causing my suicidal thoughts.

I'm still struggling daily with my pain and I fear the unknown future as I feel I'm in limbo but I'm still here. Maybe someone does have a plan for me and maybe you are right this struggle is means to show me how bad it really is and how I need and deserve better.

I struggle with self love. I talked to my therapist about it last night and she gave me some things to try daily to start to love myself. I didn't do it last night because I didn't feel like loving myself. :(