CraftyMomma
07-11-2013, 04:51 AM
Hi,
I am in my late 20's and have had anxiety issues for as long as I can remember but over the past few months I have started having panic attacks to the point where I thought i was going to die multiple times a day. Horrible feeling.
I am a momma to a preschooler and do not currently have insurance for myself, so speaking to a psychologist isn't an option right now. I don't have any friends, just my fiancé who tries his best to understand and some family who only know half the story.
I really just want to get all of this off my chest to you all and am hoping you guys can either relate to parts of my story or give me tips on where to start to battle this by myself. I will do my best to keep it as short as possible. Here goes...
My whole life my mom was my go to person a we had a great relationship. Still do kind of. My dad was (still is) an angry type personality, wears his emotion on his sleeve type and would yell at my older (9 years older) brother and me all the time for various reasons. Sometimes warranted, most times not... just because he was in a bad mood. He was still a good father and i was spoiled with things, but I walked on pins & needles all the time until I finally moved out. I think that is where it all kind of started.
Okay *deep breath* when I was little (like 7-8 or so) I was touched inappropriately by an uncle on a regular basis. I never told my parents about it and the only one I have told is my fiancé and even he doesn't know the existent of it. This went on weekly for months. It definitely screwed me up because I am still having intimacy issues from it.
Fast forward to middle school... I was bullied (even by my so called friends at times) for every year of my middle school life and into 9th grade when I finally told my parents about it and was on the verge of hurting myself over it. The bullying was for no real reason either, just because i wasn't popular. But it was relentless. My parents finally put me in a private homeschool from 10th grade on, which helped tremendously and things got a little better for a couple of years but ever since then I really just flat out hate being around other people, especially if I don't know them. I prefer being around my son & fiancé and sometimes my family but that is it.
When I was 16 my parents noticed my issues mounting and took me to see a psychologist and other doctors and they tried medicating me for depression, bi polar & anxiety. I stuck to the suggested scheduling and it didn't help me much. Basically just made me numb so I was eventually weened off of them all. I eventually stopped seeing the therapists too around 18.
My late teens to middle 20s were rough and I had so many different bouts with anxiety, manic depression, depression, etc. I coped by smoking weed and drinking, some pills here and there but nothing major. I moved out with my now fiancé when I was 19 and I really don't know how that poor man has stuck with me after everything I have put him through!
When I was 23 I found out i was pregnant and stopped smoking & drinking cold turkey. I had an amazing pregnancy and that was honestly the happiest year of my life! I had my son 3 years ago. I starting noticing the anxiety getting worse when I started taking him to his scheduled activities or to the grocery store & shopping more often. Even taking him to the park would trigger it, I would dread having to be around the other people. But the socializing is good for my son so I tried to push past it. Once I am around people I feel like I do fine, and act fairly sociable.
About 3 months ago I started having these horrible shaky episodes and my heart would race and I would think I was going to die! I know now that they were panic attacks. Scary stuff!! I'm at a point now where I have them everyday, they are mild and aren't debilitating like before but they are still scary and I feel like they are messing up my body and heart if that's possible. I just wait a few mins for them to pass and basically wait for the next one, I know it's coming. So now I'm afraid I am creating them since I will get them randomly with nothing seeming to trigger them.
I will be forcing myself to take my son to his activities when they start back next month and would like to add new things since he loves being around people so much! I want to encourage it, i don't want him to end up like me :( I'm just scared they will get worse.
I'm just so frustrated with myself and a lot of times I get mad at myself for allowing me to have this pity party! I wish I could just get over it and move on!! I am going to be starting a new, natural food diet soon and working out regularly. I'm praying that it will help! I don't have insurance for myself right now so I can't go see someone. I don't want to be put on meds again anyway, but it would be nice to talk to someone regularly.
So there you have it, I'm SO sorry it is so long! If you read the whole thing and have any input or advice, it would be appreciated so much. Thank you!
I am in my late 20's and have had anxiety issues for as long as I can remember but over the past few months I have started having panic attacks to the point where I thought i was going to die multiple times a day. Horrible feeling.
I am a momma to a preschooler and do not currently have insurance for myself, so speaking to a psychologist isn't an option right now. I don't have any friends, just my fiancé who tries his best to understand and some family who only know half the story.
I really just want to get all of this off my chest to you all and am hoping you guys can either relate to parts of my story or give me tips on where to start to battle this by myself. I will do my best to keep it as short as possible. Here goes...
My whole life my mom was my go to person a we had a great relationship. Still do kind of. My dad was (still is) an angry type personality, wears his emotion on his sleeve type and would yell at my older (9 years older) brother and me all the time for various reasons. Sometimes warranted, most times not... just because he was in a bad mood. He was still a good father and i was spoiled with things, but I walked on pins & needles all the time until I finally moved out. I think that is where it all kind of started.
Okay *deep breath* when I was little (like 7-8 or so) I was touched inappropriately by an uncle on a regular basis. I never told my parents about it and the only one I have told is my fiancé and even he doesn't know the existent of it. This went on weekly for months. It definitely screwed me up because I am still having intimacy issues from it.
Fast forward to middle school... I was bullied (even by my so called friends at times) for every year of my middle school life and into 9th grade when I finally told my parents about it and was on the verge of hurting myself over it. The bullying was for no real reason either, just because i wasn't popular. But it was relentless. My parents finally put me in a private homeschool from 10th grade on, which helped tremendously and things got a little better for a couple of years but ever since then I really just flat out hate being around other people, especially if I don't know them. I prefer being around my son & fiancé and sometimes my family but that is it.
When I was 16 my parents noticed my issues mounting and took me to see a psychologist and other doctors and they tried medicating me for depression, bi polar & anxiety. I stuck to the suggested scheduling and it didn't help me much. Basically just made me numb so I was eventually weened off of them all. I eventually stopped seeing the therapists too around 18.
My late teens to middle 20s were rough and I had so many different bouts with anxiety, manic depression, depression, etc. I coped by smoking weed and drinking, some pills here and there but nothing major. I moved out with my now fiancé when I was 19 and I really don't know how that poor man has stuck with me after everything I have put him through!
When I was 23 I found out i was pregnant and stopped smoking & drinking cold turkey. I had an amazing pregnancy and that was honestly the happiest year of my life! I had my son 3 years ago. I starting noticing the anxiety getting worse when I started taking him to his scheduled activities or to the grocery store & shopping more often. Even taking him to the park would trigger it, I would dread having to be around the other people. But the socializing is good for my son so I tried to push past it. Once I am around people I feel like I do fine, and act fairly sociable.
About 3 months ago I started having these horrible shaky episodes and my heart would race and I would think I was going to die! I know now that they were panic attacks. Scary stuff!! I'm at a point now where I have them everyday, they are mild and aren't debilitating like before but they are still scary and I feel like they are messing up my body and heart if that's possible. I just wait a few mins for them to pass and basically wait for the next one, I know it's coming. So now I'm afraid I am creating them since I will get them randomly with nothing seeming to trigger them.
I will be forcing myself to take my son to his activities when they start back next month and would like to add new things since he loves being around people so much! I want to encourage it, i don't want him to end up like me :( I'm just scared they will get worse.
I'm just so frustrated with myself and a lot of times I get mad at myself for allowing me to have this pity party! I wish I could just get over it and move on!! I am going to be starting a new, natural food diet soon and working out regularly. I'm praying that it will help! I don't have insurance for myself right now so I can't go see someone. I don't want to be put on meds again anyway, but it would be nice to talk to someone regularly.
So there you have it, I'm SO sorry it is so long! If you read the whole thing and have any input or advice, it would be appreciated so much. Thank you!