Beyond hopeless

[HealingTime]

My husband told me last night when out company leaves he's moving into the spare room. He says if there is any hope for our marriage that we have to start over. Dating and the like. I am beyond depressed. I am going through the routine of the day just to keep showing him I'm ok. But in reality all I want to do is curl up and sleep the days away. I

started celexa two weeks ago with a small script for Xanax to help me with anxiety. Husband thinks I might be bipolar. I don't think I fit the description but who knows. When I have an anxiety attack I do want to go be reckless but fear keeps me grounded. I do go from happy to sad to happy with a simple snap of my fingers.

I think about dying daily. I wish divine intervention would come and take me away from here and end all this pain.

[hunn3yy]

I'm not married but I do understand the quick change in mood. My advice would be to sit down with your husband and express how you feel. Telling him everything but also state how you don't think you're bipolar. I believe support is something that can definitely help you out in regards to these hard times.:)

[DodgingRain]

From your posts it sounds like you have quite a lot of serious talks with your husband. Maybe he just needs a break from that for a while, that sort of stuff can be really draining emotionally especially for a guy dealing with this. Since you seem to be getting some control over the panic attacks have you tried the opposite approach and instead of the heavy talks just keep things light? It almost sounds like the serious talks are a way of trying to get approval from him.

Maybe watch a good movie together or a favorite show and leave the night at that? Avoid any serious talk and just talk about what your doing. Part of what guys really appreciate is just having someone there to share things with. Having more serious talks about stuff you've already talked about is something guys generally want to avoid.

Dunno, just a suggestion from a male perspective.

[Sourcon33]

Send me a message I have written something that is getting me through the darkness.

[HealingTime]

Thanks dodgingrain. You're right about the serious talks. Today was his idea and last night too. I'm going to a kid it for a while though. Meds seem to be leveling my moods and I feel optimistic right now even though he's basically asked for a divorce. We can make it through this. I really don't think it's fair for him to want to bail once we figure out this is a medical condition not me being a b$$$h.

[HealingTime]

I must add I left work early today. Took a Xanax and drove away from town and slept in my car. I had to just sleep some time away.

He's out tonight again. Being immature saying he just can't stand to be at home right now. Yes I want to avoid talks for a while and just work on healing. Nothing new is being said anymore any way.

[DodgingRain]

I completely understand the urge to just be out cold and not exist for a few hours and escape. There is the drain of the relationship and just forcing yourself to change how you think is draining.

He might really just need to get away from the problem for a while. I guess the key here is that he hasn't asked for a divorce explicitly right? Until you end up there you still have some control over the situation and keeping your head and staying calm will help move things in the direction you want. Do try to think of it as "I will get through this" instead of "we will get through this". You need to make yourself more important until your better.

Lol, I tend to think "we" too much myself. My wife knows this and has to occasionally push me to do things for myself that I otherwise wouldn't do because they don't directly benefit "we". Doing "I" stuff to me feels selfish but I also end up getting really angry and resenting the people around me when it's always "we" and no "I" if that makes any sense. To much "we" and I ended up in the psyche ward for a while after a complete meltdown.

Also there is this weird thing that tends to happen in relationships sometimes. When one person creates space the other person tends to want to fill that space to maintain the balance of the relationship. I'm guessing your feeling this when he goes out or stays in the spare bedroom? You may want to do something to fill that space and bring things back closer together. You can always do a little bit of the same thing to him and create a little more space in the relationship to put some subconscious pressure on him to fill the void, sneaky huh, lol. Hehe, if your bored at work you can play this game there too. Once your in a conversation with someone take a step or two back without them noticing. In a lot of cases they will end up taking a step forward in the next minute or so without realizing it to maintain the space.

I do have to say that personally I love benzo's. If I'm having a rough day and feeling overly stressed/panic'y I can take one(or 2 or 3 or 4...) and it calms me down. If things are really bad I let it knock me out so I can sleep for a while and hopefully wake up in a better state.

I hate to ask because I know how I would react to even the suggestion but is there a third person involved at all?

[Lin]

I know exactly what you mean. I have suicidal thoughts every time I get depression. This time is the worse ever and I have actually acted on the thoughts for the first time. This week different therapists and psychiatrists have all given me different diagnosis which has not helped, but I just know that my depression is led by a hormone imbalance in the menopause because I have only had depression because of hormones in the past. So I think you should stick with what your head tells you is wrong and not listen to others, and get help for what you think is wrong.

[HealingTime]

Dodgingpain, thanks again for a great post. It's so helpful reading insights from others.


There is no third person that I'm aware of. Yes he needs space and I'm trying to give it to him. It's very hard and yes very draining. We ha e company until tomorrow so he has been sharing our bed. I suspect he'll move to the spare room tomorrow.

What I'm. It understanding is this is going on for weeks now. Life is short and precious. It has been suggested to me that he is testing me with all the late nights and all the secrets just to see how I'll react. If this is true it gives me a goal. He has said a separation of him staying in the spare room might be a good idea. He has said divorce might be a good idea but has not asked for one. He knows I'm against it and not willing to throw in the towel.

The Xanax is great. The problem is that my doc was extremely hesitant to give it to me. So I only got a months worth of .5 and it seems to take a full one to mellow me out. So I'm kinda taking sleeping pills to chill me out.

Tomorrow is too to be hard on me. You're right I need to create some space of my own but I'm also afraid he's going to like this freedom he's created and never come back to me. Guess I should stop giving him "just sex" with no strings huh. Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free?

[HealingTime]

Lin, you're probably right. I know myself the best. Right now I know I'm very depressed but I have to put on a good front. Hard to do. I also know I have these anxiety attacks over the lack of control I feel in my life.

[Lin]

Healing Time putting on a front is really hard and exhausting. It takes all your energy up and then it is even harder to deal with the depression and anxiety. I know we sometimes have no choice - I am having to put on a mask at work and home - but I know how much of a toll it takes out of you doing so. It is as shame that mental illness is still no it treated like a broken arm and that more people understood or tried to understand and then it would be so much easier to handle
.

[HealingTime]

All I want to do is curl up and be dead. I'm not in a good place right now and certainly not dealing with things in a health manner. I don't know what to do.

[Lin]

Healing time I know exactly what you mean. I am in the worse place at moment I have ever been. I curled up and did nothing 3 years ago and ended up in hospital for 7 weeks. But now I am worse than 3 years ago and because hospitals closed down and new policy of helping you at home, have been told to try continue working and living at home. Both places give me incredible pressure and the help I have been given at hone is good one minute and rubbish next. Really don't know what answer is - best to go comatose or best to try continue. Just know that continuing is not helping my head at moment and instead of just bad thoughts i am actually acting on them.

[HealingTime]

If I could go comatose I would. I few years ago I took medical leave for 3 weeks and basically did just that. Now is not a good time for that at work though. I can't do it now. I would go to bed now but I have to enjoy my son while I still have him, you know?

[Lin]

It is not a good time at work either for me to take sick leave. When I did it 3 years ago I had a very understanding boss who visited me every week in hospital and assured me when I first went sick that he would hold my job open for me. Now I have a new boss who has already proved unsympathetic when I was off sick 10 weeks for knee operations and a gynae operation. She has already said if I cannot stay calm in the office at all times she will have me redeployed. I think if I take sick leave now I will be deciding if I keep my job of 13 years or not - which makes it a very difficult decision and is one of the reasons I have continued working. However, t is at a great price to my health and has meant me doing things this time which were only thoughts 3 years ago because of the pressure I feel in my head from wearing a mask at work and home so no release anywhere.

[HealingTime]

What are the things you are doing this time which were only thoughts 3 years ago?

I've never thought so long and hard and so much about suicide before. I've been searching ways to do it to look accidental. I'm a mess.

[Lin]

I used to always want it to be an accident so I used to always think of walking in front of a car or falling down the stairs.
Now my thoughts are much different. I have taken an overdose for first time ever, I have gone out walking late at night not caring where I end up, I have definitely got closer to walking in front of traffic.
I have thought of falling asleep in bath but decided I would need to have clothes on.
The reason not to walk in front of cars is because I have been told to think of the person who hits you, but when your head isn't even considering your family it definitely does not think about someone you don't know.
My husband has now got so worried I have no chance of getting to my tablets or walking out of the house, and he takes me everywhere if he thinks i will not look crossing the road, so instead for the first time ever I have started cutting my thumb because it is a secret from him, he has not noticed or hurt him or betrayed his trust, but it gives my head some control and release.
So definitely different from ever before - I never used to act on any thoughts.

[cheesecake]

Lin,

I can help. I'd like to talk in chat whenever you are free. (I'm not allowed to email people yet, since I haven't posted enough, forum rules.) Nonetheless, I'm here to help. I recovered from severe anxiety and I'm here to help others. I used to think about suicide all the time too. I also would like to know what you mean by not acting on intrusive thoughts?

[Lin]

Cheesecake at help would be appreciated. Afraid not good at chat bit. I will try pm you and see if works.

[cheesecake]

Hopefully you get this soon!! I sent you a pm back! It works! :D.

[HealingTime]

Lin I'm there with you. I've thought about driving fast and running into a wall. Taking pills and falling asleep in the hot car. Walking around the ghetto. Paying someone to shoot me. Anything. I work in a bit of a dangerous part of town, it's not too far fetched especially in winter months when it's dark when I go to work.

It's like we talk ourselves into thinking no one needs us. We also get so obsessed with suicide we make it more of a reality.

[DodgingRain]

Been there, still there sometimes, more than I'd like. I have enough easy ways to do it. My big concern has always been to make sure it actually works and to not end up in a worse place then I was before, either disabled, new long term problems, etc. I'm also not a big fan of pain so it has to be more or less instantaneous. I try and keep my head out of that place as much as I can, it doesn't help me feel better.

[HealingTime]

That is a concern... not failing. Failing and getting put away or failing and having my husband hate me more for trying would make it all worse.

What if I were to fail... and have a bad accident. Would he realize his love for me?

[Lin]

I failed recently in overdose - really don't know what doing - my husband had thought before I was playing a game but this time he was desperately worried and upset and although won't talk about it he has really shown how he does not want to lose me. Also when I contacted my 22 year old son for first time I pleaded with him not to need me anymore and he became really worried and begged me that he did need me now and would in the future,
Although this has not stopped my head taking over since when really bad and till losing sight of them both, when my head is more rational it has realised that they both need me far more than I had been thinking for the past bad few months.
My nurses tell me that if you try and fail living with the illnesses caused can be far worse for you and others and use this as one reason not to try.

[ADD]

I'm sorry to hear about the position your in. My suggestion would be to give Celexa about a month to six weeks to fully take effect and after that you can sort things out with your husband.
Also in the meanwhile take it easy on the Xanax sweetheart :), good luck and God bless.

[HealingTime]

That's a good point. If I wait until the celexa has kicked in a bit maybe that'll help me be more positive.

[ADD]

Not only will you be more positive but you will start to feel great ( normal ) again :)

[HealingTime]

I feel horrible. I was actually cleaning out my desk today so work wouldn't have to do it after I died.