Sherry Ivanna Prichodko
07-09-2013, 02:29 PM
Ever since I can remember being able to think reflectively (age 8 or 9 or so), I've had anxiety and depression. Usually it was caused by boredom.
My anxiety has had all sorts of sources throughout my young life (19 years), including boredom, loneliness, depression, school, exams, relationships, break-ups, what-if scenarios, and even anxiety about my anxiety itself. I find it increasingly difficult to just live in the moment, especially when I'm in a relationship, getting into a relationship, or leaving a relationship. After all of the nervous break downs to the point of losing several pounds, I tend to reach a calmness. It doesn't matter what happens. But then, why is life worth living if I'm always going to go through all of this pain? It's either I go through pain or nothing matters. And once I reach the ladder conclusion, I sink into depression.
Before he killed himself, my uncle told me that he felt he lacked the "gene" that makes you have the instinct to live. I don't want to be like him. I just want to be like everyone else. I want to have a good life. I don't want to worry. I don't want to have no purpose in life. I don't want to feel like nothing matters. I have enough sense to seek out help whenever I'm feeling this way, such as right now, but then I wonder why even do it? Why just try to distract myself from the pain? Isn't distracting myself just avoiding the problem? Why get help if I will always have this pain in some sense? Is there anything that can ever stop it? I keep thinking that there's just gotta be something different about my brain from other people. There's just gotta be. And I have no idea what it is that makes me go from these incredible highs to these incredible lows with fairly lackluster down-time in between, usually occupied by obligations and such.
I've seen two therapists and tried a few anti-depressants so far. When I see my anxiety or depression coming I try to do anything to avoid it. (For example, I tried exercising and calling my mother before writing here.) And when those sorts of things don't work, I reach a point of despair and scramble to do whatever I have to in order to get out of this hell hole.
I want answers so badly. I want to know why I'm like this and how to help myself! No matter how many coping techniques I learn (drawing, writing down my feelings, writing down options as to what I need to do when I feel this way, music, playing piano, working out, distracting myself.. etc.) it seems that these tools don't last for long.
My trigger this time was reaching that point of despair. I've had a huge crush on this girl recently (I'm a lesbian.) Things got intense pretty quickly, and I was so nervous about my feelings for her that I lost weight and had many bouts of crying and instability. Today, in order to rid of my obsessive infatuation, I started thinking about a case scenario in which we were together and things weren't all they were cracked up to be. I didn't end up liking her as much as I thought I did. This worked to dampen my infatuation, but it also made me feel immensely sad, as these feelings of great romance have been making me feel alive like none other. I tried thinking that I had plenty to live for, but for some reason, my thoughts reached the pits. Realizing my placement in my cycle of anxiety and depression, I felt despair and hopelessness for happiness in my life. I wondered if I would ever come out of this.
Honestly, the only things keeping me here when I'm like this are my friends, family, pride, and a tinge of hope that I'll find a solution someday. When I'm in a good mindset, I'm a totally different person. I'm bright, funny, creative, outgoing, have a sunny outlook on things.... I feel like a "normal" person. And I try to grab that normality whenever I can and run away with it as if I'll never see my anxiety and depression again... but they seem to always come creeping back. I know there's gotta be something I can do. I just don't know what that might be. If anyone can help me, I would be truly grateful. I'd try anything to be a happy and healthy person.
My anxiety has had all sorts of sources throughout my young life (19 years), including boredom, loneliness, depression, school, exams, relationships, break-ups, what-if scenarios, and even anxiety about my anxiety itself. I find it increasingly difficult to just live in the moment, especially when I'm in a relationship, getting into a relationship, or leaving a relationship. After all of the nervous break downs to the point of losing several pounds, I tend to reach a calmness. It doesn't matter what happens. But then, why is life worth living if I'm always going to go through all of this pain? It's either I go through pain or nothing matters. And once I reach the ladder conclusion, I sink into depression.
Before he killed himself, my uncle told me that he felt he lacked the "gene" that makes you have the instinct to live. I don't want to be like him. I just want to be like everyone else. I want to have a good life. I don't want to worry. I don't want to have no purpose in life. I don't want to feel like nothing matters. I have enough sense to seek out help whenever I'm feeling this way, such as right now, but then I wonder why even do it? Why just try to distract myself from the pain? Isn't distracting myself just avoiding the problem? Why get help if I will always have this pain in some sense? Is there anything that can ever stop it? I keep thinking that there's just gotta be something different about my brain from other people. There's just gotta be. And I have no idea what it is that makes me go from these incredible highs to these incredible lows with fairly lackluster down-time in between, usually occupied by obligations and such.
I've seen two therapists and tried a few anti-depressants so far. When I see my anxiety or depression coming I try to do anything to avoid it. (For example, I tried exercising and calling my mother before writing here.) And when those sorts of things don't work, I reach a point of despair and scramble to do whatever I have to in order to get out of this hell hole.
I want answers so badly. I want to know why I'm like this and how to help myself! No matter how many coping techniques I learn (drawing, writing down my feelings, writing down options as to what I need to do when I feel this way, music, playing piano, working out, distracting myself.. etc.) it seems that these tools don't last for long.
My trigger this time was reaching that point of despair. I've had a huge crush on this girl recently (I'm a lesbian.) Things got intense pretty quickly, and I was so nervous about my feelings for her that I lost weight and had many bouts of crying and instability. Today, in order to rid of my obsessive infatuation, I started thinking about a case scenario in which we were together and things weren't all they were cracked up to be. I didn't end up liking her as much as I thought I did. This worked to dampen my infatuation, but it also made me feel immensely sad, as these feelings of great romance have been making me feel alive like none other. I tried thinking that I had plenty to live for, but for some reason, my thoughts reached the pits. Realizing my placement in my cycle of anxiety and depression, I felt despair and hopelessness for happiness in my life. I wondered if I would ever come out of this.
Honestly, the only things keeping me here when I'm like this are my friends, family, pride, and a tinge of hope that I'll find a solution someday. When I'm in a good mindset, I'm a totally different person. I'm bright, funny, creative, outgoing, have a sunny outlook on things.... I feel like a "normal" person. And I try to grab that normality whenever I can and run away with it as if I'll never see my anxiety and depression again... but they seem to always come creeping back. I know there's gotta be something I can do. I just don't know what that might be. If anyone can help me, I would be truly grateful. I'd try anything to be a happy and healthy person.