MetalMan
07-08-2013, 08:52 AM
I woke up yesterday, and the first thought in my mind was, "suicide might be our only option". Now, I'm not trying to alarm anyone, because I don't think I would ever even try to off myself, but right now, that's just how I feel. I totally blew it with this fine ass colombian chick that I met, and it was totally my fault. But all of this stress and pressure just made everything worse. Even if things had went well with this girl, how would we ever hang out? There's only so many times a babe can come to your house before she begins to question why you never go over there to her place, or why the both of you can't even go out to the movies or a party. I'm 19 and this shit is ruining my life. I went out last night for a ride, but most of the lights were green so idk if that's cheating? Cause I didn't feel any of my usual panic symptoms. I plan on going out again today, but idk what I should be looking for. Like a sign. I'm confused, and depressed as fuck. I have an appointment next week on monday to see if I am low on vitamin D3 and all of the B vitamins that are supposed to aid in naturally keeping anxiety at bay. I've been working out, and i plan to keep it up at least 5 days a week. I even plan on abstaining from masturbation for at least 3 days at a time, to increase testosterone and sexual drive so that I can get angry easier. I'd rather feel angry and vicious then scared and anxious.
My two friends that I havent seen in a long time came over yesterday to go swimming in my pool. I had a blast catching up with them, but there was this feeling of sadness when they left. i feel it right now as I'm typing this. That sinking feeling in my heart that we all have come to known. I can't tell them whats wrong with me, and even if I did, I doubt it would make things better. Sometimes, hours go by with me just lying down, lost in my own thoughts, wondering if this is the way I'll always be.
It's my fault that I have agoraphobia. I have proof of that. And for that, not only am I ashamed, but I also feel like the worst person in the world, for doing this to myself, that day in the woods.
I just had to get this all off of my chest. I feel empty, and I don't know what to do.
My two friends that I havent seen in a long time came over yesterday to go swimming in my pool. I had a blast catching up with them, but there was this feeling of sadness when they left. i feel it right now as I'm typing this. That sinking feeling in my heart that we all have come to known. I can't tell them whats wrong with me, and even if I did, I doubt it would make things better. Sometimes, hours go by with me just lying down, lost in my own thoughts, wondering if this is the way I'll always be.
It's my fault that I have agoraphobia. I have proof of that. And for that, not only am I ashamed, but I also feel like the worst person in the world, for doing this to myself, that day in the woods.
I just had to get this all off of my chest. I feel empty, and I don't know what to do.