LostGirl1
07-07-2013, 09:57 PM
I feel like my life will never be mine. That it'll always be ruled and dominated by my anxiety and ocd. When I do have good times, it lasts maybe a month or so, and then my anxiety comes back full force. It will usually be a new issue, that i worry about constantly. I always believe if i solve this problem, that i will be able to be happy again but no, then something new will come along that i worry about.
This has led me to depression many times. The people around me think I'm too difficult to be around due to my way of thinking. I dont have many understanding people around me. I feel very alone. I wish i could turn it off, like a light switch, but i cant.
I don't know how to not worry. My mind feels like its not wired to work that way. I don't remember the last time i've lived without a specific worry that plagued my mind. I don't even know if its possible. I start therapy again on the 15th of this month. I was with a different therapist from 2006-2008. It helped some but still suffer this roller coaster of good and bad times. Mostly bad times.
My first bad episode was the fear of catching a disease (my mind focused on aids). I felt that i needed to wash my hands constantly. Even things in my home were in my mind, contaminated. I think I was up to 200 handwashings a day. I couldn't stop. I felt that if i did, something terrible would happen and I would catch something. My hands cracked and bled. They got so bad I couldn't even make a fist because the skin was so tight and tender.
It took about 6 months for that to go away. And now i no longer do this. But of course, now i have new fears. I fear chemicals, and im deathly scared of parasites. Why does my mind focus on so many negative aspects? I wish I could be like others, who don't worry unless something actually happens, unlike me, who worries before it happens. I feel like my mind will make me feel the pain and worry as if it actually did happen to me... so that i could cope with it in case it does. If that makes sense.
But above all, Im tired of feeling alone with this.
This has led me to depression many times. The people around me think I'm too difficult to be around due to my way of thinking. I dont have many understanding people around me. I feel very alone. I wish i could turn it off, like a light switch, but i cant.
I don't know how to not worry. My mind feels like its not wired to work that way. I don't remember the last time i've lived without a specific worry that plagued my mind. I don't even know if its possible. I start therapy again on the 15th of this month. I was with a different therapist from 2006-2008. It helped some but still suffer this roller coaster of good and bad times. Mostly bad times.
My first bad episode was the fear of catching a disease (my mind focused on aids). I felt that i needed to wash my hands constantly. Even things in my home were in my mind, contaminated. I think I was up to 200 handwashings a day. I couldn't stop. I felt that if i did, something terrible would happen and I would catch something. My hands cracked and bled. They got so bad I couldn't even make a fist because the skin was so tight and tender.
It took about 6 months for that to go away. And now i no longer do this. But of course, now i have new fears. I fear chemicals, and im deathly scared of parasites. Why does my mind focus on so many negative aspects? I wish I could be like others, who don't worry unless something actually happens, unlike me, who worries before it happens. I feel like my mind will make me feel the pain and worry as if it actually did happen to me... so that i could cope with it in case it does. If that makes sense.
But above all, Im tired of feeling alone with this.