RecurringThoughts
07-03-2013, 01:34 PM
Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and joined because, well, I need someone to talk to. I am seeing a counselor on Friday about my anxiety, but I have already worked myself up so much that I need to vent now. If anyone reads all of this, thank you.
From early July 2011 to early October 2011 I engaged in unsafe sexual activities with seven different men that I had known for at least three years as friends. At the time, I was trying to escape from feeling lost and uncertain about myself and this was my way of doing it. I never got pregnant because I always used the pull-out method (not that this is a safe method, but it miraculously worked for me over those months), and for some inane reason I wasn't concerned about contracting STI's. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for YEARS and these activities gave me some sense of reprieve! I should have sought help rather than committing this act of self-rape. Now, two years later, I am struggling with the consequences of my actions and how my choices have affected the way that I think of myself and my sexual health.
I have been tested for STI's on four separate occasions since October 2011. In December, 2011 (two months later) I tested for everything: HIV, syphilis, herpes 1+2, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. The results were negative. In late February or early March of 2012 (approximately 5-6 months later), I tested for HIV again because this is my biggest fear. I came back negative. In late June 2012 (8-9 months later), I tested for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV. Again, negative. Finally, in December 2012, I tested for HIV again because I was worried that I had previously tested within the "window" of time and was confident that one year and two months was enough time to provide me with a definitive answer as to whether I had HIV. The test came back negative. I am sitting here now worried again that I should have taken another herpes test at least three months after October 2011 and that maybe I have the disease. I'm getting tested on Monday, but can't stop thinking about how I am going to tell my previous encounters if I turn out positive. I am also worried that (and this is going to sound crazy) maybe my syphilis and HIV results affected one another (because I read somewhere that being HIV positive can affect the accuracy of syphilis tests) and that I actually have both, despite the negative results!
Part of me is aware that my health anxiety is rooted in guilt that I was so unsafe and could have put a lot of people in danger of contracting and spreading STI's. I feel irresponsible, ashamed, and pathetic, but that eventually I will get over this fear because my results were negative(!). Another part of me is convinced that I am riddled with disease and putting my current partner at risk. I have difficulty having sex with him, even after all of those tests, because I feel disgusting. I have been honest with him, so he is aware of everything that I am worried about, and he has told me that he isn't concerned, but I think he's wrong not to be. Obviously, I am going to share all these thoughts with my psychologist on Friday, but I wanted to voice my thoughts to someone. I really need to get out of my head because I haven't been able to enjoy my life for nearly two years and I am terrified of suffering like this any longer.
From early July 2011 to early October 2011 I engaged in unsafe sexual activities with seven different men that I had known for at least three years as friends. At the time, I was trying to escape from feeling lost and uncertain about myself and this was my way of doing it. I never got pregnant because I always used the pull-out method (not that this is a safe method, but it miraculously worked for me over those months), and for some inane reason I wasn't concerned about contracting STI's. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for YEARS and these activities gave me some sense of reprieve! I should have sought help rather than committing this act of self-rape. Now, two years later, I am struggling with the consequences of my actions and how my choices have affected the way that I think of myself and my sexual health.
I have been tested for STI's on four separate occasions since October 2011. In December, 2011 (two months later) I tested for everything: HIV, syphilis, herpes 1+2, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. The results were negative. In late February or early March of 2012 (approximately 5-6 months later), I tested for HIV again because this is my biggest fear. I came back negative. In late June 2012 (8-9 months later), I tested for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV. Again, negative. Finally, in December 2012, I tested for HIV again because I was worried that I had previously tested within the "window" of time and was confident that one year and two months was enough time to provide me with a definitive answer as to whether I had HIV. The test came back negative. I am sitting here now worried again that I should have taken another herpes test at least three months after October 2011 and that maybe I have the disease. I'm getting tested on Monday, but can't stop thinking about how I am going to tell my previous encounters if I turn out positive. I am also worried that (and this is going to sound crazy) maybe my syphilis and HIV results affected one another (because I read somewhere that being HIV positive can affect the accuracy of syphilis tests) and that I actually have both, despite the negative results!
Part of me is aware that my health anxiety is rooted in guilt that I was so unsafe and could have put a lot of people in danger of contracting and spreading STI's. I feel irresponsible, ashamed, and pathetic, but that eventually I will get over this fear because my results were negative(!). Another part of me is convinced that I am riddled with disease and putting my current partner at risk. I have difficulty having sex with him, even after all of those tests, because I feel disgusting. I have been honest with him, so he is aware of everything that I am worried about, and he has told me that he isn't concerned, but I think he's wrong not to be. Obviously, I am going to share all these thoughts with my psychologist on Friday, but I wanted to voice my thoughts to someone. I really need to get out of my head because I haven't been able to enjoy my life for nearly two years and I am terrified of suffering like this any longer.