Im sitting in my car...

[HealingTime]

At the gym and no intention of going in. I know my husband needs to see me getting out doing regular stuff, so here I am. Last week I did the same thing only I actually went I side and sat in a stall for the time then left. I can't bring myself to work out though. I'll have to get back to it next week, don't want to undo my toning hard work. But for now, I just can't do it.

He came home at 9:30 last night meaning he was gone 12 hours yesterday. Was cold to me. Was cold again this morning. The knot in my stomach is growing but I have to function today. I admit I was a bit chilly to him last night. I mean come on.

He needs this he says. He's taking advantage of me not getting upset with anything he does. It's making it so hard on me to function. But I have to go to work today. No more moping on the couch. But that's all I want to do.

[rhar]

I've been there. I used to go to my gym on my lunch breaks and sit in a stall and cry for 45 mins then go back to work :(

[HealingTime]

Pretty depressing, huh? Why do I feel like I'm being punished in life? I'm really sick of this.

[rhar]

Pretty depressing, huh? Why do I feel like I'm being punished in life? I'm really sick of this.

Yep I totally hear you. It sucks.
I hate that awful dreading feeling I carry around all - hard to describe but it's awful

[HealingTime]

I have spent so much time alone in the past week it's eating away at my soul. Do you ever feel like that? The little time I spent with my son yesterday I couldn't even think of what to talk about.

[yurmom]

I hope you don't mind my saying this....but from this and your other posts, it sounds like your success/happiness/anxiety rests entirely on what your husband thinks and does. I don't say that to be critical; I did the same thing. My husband was and is cold, rejecting, disloyal - I could go on for hours. He always tells me he's leaving, used to freak me out something awful. Marital strife definitely triggered my panic disorder. As I've come to understand that I am married to an emotional abuser, I've understood my panic more and it's become more manageable. Standing up to him and learning that I will survive and thrive with or without him was critical. I know the loneliness and anguish are so painful, wishing you the best......

[str8trippin]

I hope you don't mind my saying this....but from this and your other posts, it sounds like your success/happiness/anxiety rests entirely on what your husband thinks and does. I don't say that to be critical; I did the same thing. My husband was and is cold, rejecting, disloyal - I could go on for hours. He always tells me he's leaving, used to freak me out something awful. Marital strife definitely triggered my panic disorder. As I've come to understand that I am married to an emotional abuser, I've understood my panic more and it's become more manageable. Standing up to him and learning that I will survive and thrive with or without him was critical. I know the loneliness and anguish are so painful, wishing you the best......

I have to agree here...not at all to be critical because I have been in a similar situation. I think the reason the loneliness feels SO painful is because it is coming from a source that it doesn't seem like it is supposed to come from. You marry someone and they're supposed to love you above all else and be there as a support for you through thick and thin, so when they are absent, and push you away in a time where you may need them most it is very confusing and scary...a marriage is not supposed to be that way...and it can definitely get warped enough to cross a line into emotional/psychological abuse because it becomes manipulative. The fact of the matter is, you CAN survive and thrive with or without someone else. Don't let him control your happiness, as hard as that is to do. Do you have someone else that you can get out and do things with? Maybe the gym or whatever else might not be quite so dreadful if you had a friend to go with.

[trinidiva]

At the gym and no intention of going in. I know my husband needs to see me getting out doing regular stuff, so here I am. Last week I did the same thing only I actually went I side and sat in a stall for the time then left. I can't bring myself to work out though. I'll have to get back to it next week, don't want to undo my toning hard work. But for now, I just can't do it.

He came home at 9:30 last night meaning he was gone 12 hours yesterday. Was cold to me. Was cold again this morning. The knot in my stomach is growing but I have to function today. I admit I was a bit chilly to him last night. I mean come on.

He needs this he says. He's taking advantage of me not getting upset with anything he does. It's making it so hard on me to function. But I have to go to work today. No more moping on the couch. But that's all I want to do.

Go into the gym! I know you may not feel like working out but it is a proven anxiety buster. If they have a punching bag there, go in and take everything out on the punching bag. There have been so many times I haven't wanted to go, but I've felt so much better afterwards, and anxiety free.
Also, I've been following your posts, and I'm sorry, but I agree with the others. Your husband is being a bit emotionally abusive. You are suppose to support your spouse through good and bad times....that is why I am TELLING you, you must start to work on yourself. Not to be rude....but you must take care of yourself first before you can start fretting over what is going on in your husbands mind.
So I want to ask you....what are you going to do today to work on alleviating your anxiety?

[HealingTime]

To all three of you, thank you. You're not rude and feel free to be blunt. I know my happiness rests on his mood, but I'm not sure how to change that. Right now he's upset with me and skeptical of this new news I've given him about these attacks. I'm trying to be there for HIM to give him the space he needs to work through this in his head. I believe he'll come back around and be there for me. But he's been dealing with me being a freak out for 12 years now and who can blame him for being tired. I'm not making excuses, he's being an a$$ right now and selfish and he knows it. But I know him well enough to know he needs this and when he works through it, then we can talk about my issues more and how we can work through it together.

At least that's what I'm hoping right now. It was totally wrong of him to disappear all weekend, I get that. I was chilly toward him last night and this morning cause darnit, I'm hurting and could use some support. But I'm hurting because he and I are not in a good place so he can't be there to support me until he works through his issues.

What am I doing today to work on alleviiating my anxiety? Well, other than making it to work and actually being productive, I didn't have any specific plans. Maybe I could go home, grab my computer and go to the library and get some work done that I have been putting off through this depression thing. Suggestions?

[yurmom]

Feeling productive by getting work done can be helpful, but focusing on work is sometimes a way of avoiding. In another thread, we've been discussing ways to confront anxiety head on by inviting symptoms and staring down the anxiety. Have you ever tried anything like that?

[HealingTime]

No I have not. What thread is it? It sounds scary to basically confront it on purpose and makes my heart flutter just thinking about it but I'm game. I want to try meditation too but not sure I have the patience.

[str8trippin]

I can say that work does NOT help alleviate my anxiety. Maybe it's because my job can be pretty stressful, but in general I feel worse at work than I do anywhere else. Outside of work, I've definitely tried putting myself in situations that I feel anxious or uncomfortable in and it definitely helps me to realize that I am in control, not the anxiety. You know in the movies, at the climax, people always yell at the unseen perpetrator (the ghost or demon or whatever) and tell it to come on because they aren't afraid of it...it's like that.

[str8trippin]

No I have not. What thread is it? It sounds scary to basically confront it on purpose and makes my heart flutter just thinking about it but I'm game. I want to try meditation too but not sure I have the patience.

But when you do confront it, it helps you realize that YOU are in control of it and not the other way around. Anxiety is so much about feeling like you don't have control, but you do! Have you ever heard of Reiki? It's a Japanese relaxation and stress relief technique that is a lot about meditation and moving energy...it helped me a lot!

[HealingTime]

Well my anxiety is husband related. We had three talks over the weekend and I was in control even when he said things that normally would trigger me. With him ignoring me for the most part I'm not sure what I can do.

[HealingTime]

Looking up Reiki now.

[yurmom]

It's scary, but so far, it's been the only thing that has given me some hope back. The anxiety is "meanie" and there's nothing mean people hate more than when they can't "getcha", so laugh in it's face :)
The thread I was referring to is "Progress....then new symptoms".

[HealingTime]

I'm not sure how to deal with it head on. Right now it's about hearing where he is even if it's painful and not getting defensive and escalating and letting panic take over. I've done that successfully actually EVERY time since discovering what was happening to me (I never knew these were a form of panic attacks until last week). Right now my anxiety is based around the way he is treating me which is at arms length and coldly. There is nothing I can do about that but be here when he does want to talk. I have done that so far.

Will go find that thread thanks!

[trinidiva]

To all three of you, thank you. You're not rude and feel free to be blunt. I know my happiness rests on his mood, but I'm not sure how to change that. Right now he's upset with me and skeptical of this new news I've given him about these attacks. I'm trying to be there for HIM to give him the space he needs to work through this in his head. I believe he'll come back around and be there for me. But he's been dealing with me being a freak out for 12 years now and who can blame him for being tired. I'm not making excuses, he's being an a$$ right now and selfish and he knows it. But I know him well enough to know he needs this and when he works through it, then we can talk about my issues more and how we can work through it together.

At least that's what I'm hoping right now. It was totally wrong of him to disappear all weekend, I get that. I was chilly toward him last night and this morning cause darnit, I'm hurting and could use some support. But I'm hurting because he and I are not in a good place so he can't be there to support me until he works through his issues.

What am I doing today to work on alleviiating my anxiety? Well, other than making it to work and actually being productive, I didn't have any specific plans. Maybe I could go home, grab my computer and go to the library and get some work done that I have been putting off through this depression thing. Suggestions?

Suggestions:
Here's what worked for me. I am not a huge fan of exercise, but honestly, it truly helped me.zumba is a lot of fun and a good way to make friends. Have you considered something like that? You need to start putting positive things into your life. I never watched comedy programs much before, but I started to watch and read more lighthearted things. I started to put on upbeat music when cooking and cleaning and sing my heart out. It sounds silly, but I really started to feel better. I changed my eating habits.....when I eat better, I feel better. I'm telling you, when you start to work on yourself and change, people are drawn to that positive energy. They want to be around you more. Its summertime......find festivals or free shows on the weekend to go to. Invite your husband to go but if he doesn't, you still go and have a good time.
Trust me, its not easy, and in the beginning, you may just want to say screw it....but please believe me, it does work. I even bought a book full of positive affirmations and read a little bit a day. Since starting my positivity quest...lol... I now no longer take my zoloft meds...and I haven't taken my xanax in quite some time. I'm not going to lie to you, I have days that are harder than others but I am in a much, much better place now.
So, why don't you keep us posted on what you are doing to start to fight the anxious feelings. Tell us as you do them or once a day. I really want you to break out of this...and I don't even know you. I have truly been there and I know how much it can suck.

[HealingTime]

Wow, thank you for such an inspiring post. About 1 1/2 years ago I hit rock bottom and I did a lot of what you talk about. I joined a knitting group, I got in shape (even started weight lifting) and I started eating healthier. But all the while I was still having communication issues with my husband resulting in these anxiety attacks. Now that I recognize what happens to me, I want to move onto recovery. Hence my user name. But my husband isn't ready ... yet (I hope it's yet). So I'm stuck in limbo waiting for him to be ready. He's hurt by my actions and mad too. He's looking out for himself and I don't blame him.

So yes, while I'm in this limbo, I AM indeed saying screw it to everything. I haven't weight lifted in a week, I haven't done cardio in longer. I've lost weight but it's just from not eating so that's no good. I am in a pouty phase I guess.... much like my husband is. I know I'm not acting healthy for myself, but in a way, I'm punishing myself. I'm mad at myself too for all the harm I've caused. I'm mad at myself for being the way I am. I'm mad at myself for taking so long to recognize what was happening. I'm just mad at myself. I don't like myself. So I don't want to do good things for myself right now. I don't feel I deserve happiness given how much unhappiness I have caused my husband.

Does that make sense? I don't plan on staying in this rut forever. As I've said, my husband and son leave on a trip tomorrow. The day after that my parents are actually coming to visit and they will be a great distraction. I will pray daily that my husband comes back rejuvenated and ready to accept my changes. But I will enjoy my time with my parents and they will be great to have around.

I tried to make it to the gym today... I just never got out of the car. I just couldn't do it. I can't focus on anything but the hurt I've caused and the pain I am now receiving in return.

I'm adding to this post: I guess I don't know why I deserve to do stuff for myself and what my motivation should be.

[trinidiva]

Wow, thank you for such an inspiring post. About 1 1/2 years ago I hit rock bottom and I did a lot of what you talk about. I joined a knitting group, I got in shape (even started weight lifting) and I started eating healthier. But all the while I was still having communication issues with my husband resulting in these anxiety attacks. Now that I recognize what happens to me, I want to move onto recovery. Hence my user name. But my husband isn't ready ... yet (I hope it's yet). So I'm stuck in limbo waiting for him to be ready. He's hurt by my actions and mad too. He's looking out for himself and I don't blame him.

So yes, while I'm in this limbo, I AM indeed saying screw it to everything. I haven't weight lifted in a week, I haven't done cardio in longer. I've lost weight but it's just from not eating so that's no good. I am in a pouty phase I guess.... much like my husband is. I know I'm not acting healthy for myself, but in a way, I'm punishing myself. I'm mad at myself too for all the harm I've caused. I'm mad at myself for being the way I am. I'm mad at myself for taking so long to recognize what was happening. I'm just mad at myself. I don't like myself. So I don't want to do good things for myself right now. I don't feel I deserve happiness given how much unhappiness I have caused my husband.

Does that make sense? I don't plan on staying in this rut forever. As I've said, my husband and son leave on a trip tomorrow. The day after that my parents are actually coming to visit and they will be a great distraction. I will pray daily that my husband comes back rejuvenated and ready to accept my changes. But I will enjoy my time with my parents and they will be great to have around.

I tried to make it to the gym today... I just never got out of the car. I just couldn't do it. I can't focus on anything but the hurt I've caused and the pain I am now receiving in return.

I'm adding to this post: I guess I don't know why I deserve to do stuff for myself and what my motivation should be.

No one deserves to feel down, depressed or anxious all the time. We only have one life to live, and you have to truly live each one to the fullest. Each day you sit at home, down and depressed, you are wasting precious time. I understand how you are feeling about your relationship and probably feeling a bit helpless because there isn't a tangible solution you can grasp right now. I understand a spouse feeling tired and frustrated, but I also don't think its right that he seems to just be emotionally checking out of your relationship. Perhaps after their vacation...when things are calm.....really have a serious talk. See where you both stand and if he is still willing to work on the relationship. If he is willing, ask him what he thinks might work in terms of the two of you getting on better footing. Tell him what you are doing on your end to make things better. If he truly is willing to try....hopefully he will talk to you because I really feel for you, kind of being stuck in limbo.....not knowing where you stand with him.
However, whatever happens with your relationship, good or bad.....don't let it hinder you from getting better. You do deserve to feel good about yourself.

Oh, and enjoy your visit with your parents! Mine are coming this week also....I can't wait to see them.

[mykids12]

I hope you don't mind my saying this....but from this and your other posts, it sounds like your success/happiness/anxiety rests entirely on what your husband thinks and does. I don't say that to be critical; I did the same thing. My husband was and is cold, rejecting, disloyal - I could go on for hours. He always tells me he's leaving, used to freak me out something awful. Marital strife definitely triggered my panic disorder. As I've come to understand that I am married to an emotional abuser, I've understood my panic more and it's become more manageable. Standing up to him and learning that I will survive and thrive with or without him was critical. I know the loneliness and anguish are so painful, wishing you the best......

Exactly what I was thinking myself. You have this disorder and him not being supportive and just kind of having the ball in his court, leaving you in limbo on what he's going to do is totally not fair. I honestly would rather be alone then deal with that everyday. To have to be in the same house and not communicate or if you do it's all cold? I'm not being mean towards you at all but that's just harsh to put you through that. Like that helps your anxiety and depression. How awful to have to feel that everyday.

[HealingTime]

I agree. It's a normal phase for him but it usually doesn't last this long not get to this level. Maybe it's over. :(

[mykids12]

I agree. It's a normal phase for him but it usually doesn't last this long not get to this level. Maybe it's over. :(

And after I read what is wrote it sounds harsh and I don't mean to come across that way just looking from a wife's perspective at not communicating with her husband. Don't get me wrong I don't have a perfect marriage at all but it hurts me to read when 2 people can't talk. I know he may be confused as to how he feels because people who don't go through this don't get it and how it can affect your whole life. I always hear that I shouldn't wore or try not to stress. Yeah tell that to me again because I hadn't thought of that right?? I hope you guys can work through this ok and have a happy ending :).

[HealingTime]

Eh, it wasn't too harsh at all. We talked a bit last night and I think the healing might be beginning. Time will tell but I have to keep working on showing not telling what I'm doing to improve.

[ally]

Hi does anyone have any tips on what foods are good to try as I'm simply not eating well at all as I'm so nauseaous most of the time and food has become a real phobia now:( I've lost 3 stones in weight, my mood is so low again, I'm struggling so much with these constant symptoms its hell as I'm not having any free time from it all:(

[em1]

Hi does anyone have any tips on what foods are good to try as I'm simply not eating well at all as I'm so nauseaous most of the time and food has become a real phobia now:( I've lost 3 stones in weight, my mood is so low again, I'm struggling so much with these constant symptoms its hell as I'm not having any free time from it all:(

I had two weeks of not eating anything make sure your sip water all the time I also had bananas and nurishment drinks as they have quite a few cals,if you get the ready made milkshakes you can sip them and at least your getting some vitamins and that will build your energy back up