Hello! (Long post)

[KB123]

Hey all, long time reader, first time poster!

I should start by saying my anxiety revolves around my heart. I'm a student, 22 years old, 175cm and around 70kg (have lost a bit due to anxiety and loss of appetite), no family history of heart disease, non-smoker, workout nearly everyday (before anxiety anyway) and drink alcohol once a week maximum. I study health science so I know the signs and symptoms of heart attacks inside out and back the front which fuels my anxiety but I'll get into that a bit more after!

My anxiety started a couple of months ago after a night out in town where I took a small amount (and I mean a small amount) of MDMA. The next morning after I hadn't slept I got really worried that my heart rate wasn't going down and I was convinced I was having a heart attack which meant a trip to the emergency room. They checked me out (ECG's etc, the usual) and put it all down to the drugs still being in my system which had caused this episode. They sent me home and told me to sleep it off which I did. Around 3 weeks later (during this time I didn't have any problems at all) I was sitting at home when I suddenly started feeling really anxious just sitting on the couch, my heart rate was up, palpitations, sweating etc and I was once again convinced I was having a heart attack. After another trip to the ER which meant more ECG's and even X-rays and blood testing this time they gave me the all clear and put it down to anxiety and sent me to a GP.

I went to the GP the next day and he was pretty much useless (judged me straight away after I told him this all started from the drug reaction a month or so earlier) and just gave me some atenelol (beta blockers) to take when my heart rate was up or I was worried about it going up. I got no reassurance from him at all so I headed off to a counsellor who was really helpful and gave me some exercises on what to do when feeling panicky and told me to embrace my anxiety. After a couple of trips to her I felt like I was getting a hold of it, I had good and bad days but the bad days were becoming few and far between and were being managed with the odd half a valium here and there. I had exams coming up and this wasn't bothering me in the slightest, I was a bit anxious (mainly about the anxiety) occurring during the exams but got through it all ok. It was as soon as exams finished that my anxiety regressed massively. I fell into constant thoughts of heart attacks, that at any moment I was just going to drop dead. Everything I had learnt about anxiety had gone out the window and I was back to being convinced that every little ache and pain in my body meant certain death. I have constant pressure/pain around my chest, sore jaw, dull aches nearly everywhere which is only making things worse. Every day since has been a constant battle with my mind, I feel as though I'm on the edge of a panic attack every second of every day and there are no such thing as good days anymore, more like good 'moments'. I started seeing another counsellor recently and he has given me more breathing-relaxation techniques in order to try and calm me down and even though I utilize them a lot I feel as though they aren't doing much. I recently tried to start running again but the feeling afterwards of elevated heart rate, sweating etc has lead to panic attacks and is making me reluctant to exercise. I've also been having repeated false awakenings and have difficultly getting a good nights sleep even with the use of valium. I've started taken Deptran which is apparently meant to help but I haven't noticed any changes yet.

As I mentioned in these good 'moments' I know in my logical mind what I have is anxiety but these constant battles with my mind are starting to make me question again if it is anxiety or if I seriously do have something wrong with my heart. At the moment my mind is winning and I'm at the stage where I just want to feel better but I know it doesn't work like that and I've got to keep trying with these techniques but no matter how hard I try these catastrophic thoughts are always lingering.

My support network is great and I have been reassured many times over that I can and will beat this but at the moment it feels as though I'll never come out of this constant fear of having a heart attack, it's really starting to worry me. Even as I write this I'm sitting here having a battle with my mind just because I've got this dull ache in my arm (which has been there constantly since I've had anxiety and hasn't hurt me yet) and my mind is starting to win

[earthchild]

You know I used to have the exact same fear. School can be pretty stressful and it's pretty common for people studying health sciences to have some degree of hypochondria. A lot of symptoms of horrible diseases(and heart attacks) can be pretty benign. Sore and achey muscles can all be a part of anxiety. Muscle tension can cause referred pain elsewhere in the body. For instance, if you have a tension headache, rubbing your temples may feel good at the time, but the real tension is likely located in your trapezius muscle. I occasionally will have chest pains and massaging different places on your back and around your rib cage will often help. Don't forget, you've had 2 ecg's and they've been negative. I've had 2 of them as well.
Rationalizing can be helpful at times. I know anxiety can make it difficult. Just remember you're not alone. Anxiety is a very subjective and personal experience. I know it's awful to feel like you're about to die and that your mind is getting the better of you. You're anxiety cannot hurt you physically. Ever. Next time you feel like you are having a heart attack, just try and remember you have been having anxiety issues and that it's far more likely you are experiencing muscle tension than a myocardial infarction :)