RyanJ
06-27-2013, 11:59 AM
I apologize if this post may seem rushed but i just want to get it out.
My early years involved very little anxiety, i was often moronic and overreactive everywhere i went but that was due to immaturity at the time. I still had a handful of friends in Primary school despite this. But once i went to Secondary school my anxiety began.
Towards the end of my time at Primary, i was diagnosed with autism, i don't remember the exact reasons why but it was because i acted like a moron during certain situations. In response to this, i was sent to a special needs school because they were worried i would get bullied somewhere else...but in the end that didn't mean shit for this special needs school was a hellhole for me. I was often treated like shit for minor faults (as perceived by the pupils anyway) such as having a lisp when saying certain words ("swimming" for example), or disagreeing with people on their opinions on movies (often they would like any movie pretty much). I was also picked on and yelled at by various pupils, including this one very vicious boy who i honestly don't know much about, he would often yell and assault anyone he didn't like, including me, often times trying to get other pupils to hate me by spreading rumors, which the gullible pupils will believe. And the worst part about this, the staff didn't do shit as the boy had "special needs", i am not joking here. I often lost my temper with random people and sometimes attacked them (by trying to wrestle them, i never actually hurt anyone badly), mainly with this boy i just mentioned, he would always get away with doing the same shit, but i was always kept away in a single room while he was allowed to continue causing misery for others, in the end this created anxiety as i was worried anything i would do to defend myself (verbally or whatever) would get me in trouble with the staff, even though the attacking i did was wrong (i havn't done anything like this in a year, and hopefully won't ever again).
I had a few friends, but they were only fair-weather friends, lost one due to swearing a couple of times online...yes no joke.
Later on my mother took me out of the school since they were treating me so poorly, and i was sent to a new one after a year of being homeschooled. During that time i was put on prozac, which ended up taking the life out of me and causing depression, i was also put into a very different mindset from how i usually am, often being unable to feel anger the same way as i could and i met some people online using the Steam client (its for most PC games you get these days, since i am a PC gamer), which were very shitty people and were also sexual deviants obsessed with ponies, i luckily no longer know them but they often treated me unfairly and excluded me from conversations with them for no reason, sometimes lying to get me to shut up. I also lost some other real life friends due to these people, and they (the pony fuckers) also encouraged me to be open about shit i shouldn't be open about (sexual stuff you see), which didn't help matters (i still regret some of the stuff i said, and probably always will).
But onto my time in my current school.
I met a few people there, some metalheads and some others who seemed nice...at FIRST. Later on they turned on me due to having disagreements with a friend of theirs (who blocked me online as he was very sensetive to everything) and with them (over video games and movies...yes...). They also encouraged me to be violent towards people they disliked, which they congratulated me every time i did (one actually said what i did to this one boy they hated...wrestling him to the ground, was "amazing/cool/awesome"), one also gifted me a game on Steam...but then asked me for two games in return, and later on he turned on me shortly after i gifted him these games, which made me think he was possibly only using me for these reasons.
It was all down hill from there pretty much, luckily the people i attacked forgave me and i treat them with respect , but i am not friends with them. And right at this moment i have no friends who are my age (16) at that school due to the fact they refuse to let me engage in conversations or just flat out act like i don't even exist, i get anxious if i ever think about talking to them due to the fact they always seem to treat me poorly or only say one thing to be before talking to their other friend instead. Its like my very presence turns people off.
I later did get back at these people in a non violent manner, after i caught them talking about how they would burn down my house and sexually assault my mother, but this won't fix the problems with my anxiety.
Currently i do have some new online friends who are not like the ones i previously mentioned, infact they are against those kinds of people and enjoy trolling them...but i want real life friends, people who are in my presence to talk to rather than over text or microphone.
That is all.
My early years involved very little anxiety, i was often moronic and overreactive everywhere i went but that was due to immaturity at the time. I still had a handful of friends in Primary school despite this. But once i went to Secondary school my anxiety began.
Towards the end of my time at Primary, i was diagnosed with autism, i don't remember the exact reasons why but it was because i acted like a moron during certain situations. In response to this, i was sent to a special needs school because they were worried i would get bullied somewhere else...but in the end that didn't mean shit for this special needs school was a hellhole for me. I was often treated like shit for minor faults (as perceived by the pupils anyway) such as having a lisp when saying certain words ("swimming" for example), or disagreeing with people on their opinions on movies (often they would like any movie pretty much). I was also picked on and yelled at by various pupils, including this one very vicious boy who i honestly don't know much about, he would often yell and assault anyone he didn't like, including me, often times trying to get other pupils to hate me by spreading rumors, which the gullible pupils will believe. And the worst part about this, the staff didn't do shit as the boy had "special needs", i am not joking here. I often lost my temper with random people and sometimes attacked them (by trying to wrestle them, i never actually hurt anyone badly), mainly with this boy i just mentioned, he would always get away with doing the same shit, but i was always kept away in a single room while he was allowed to continue causing misery for others, in the end this created anxiety as i was worried anything i would do to defend myself (verbally or whatever) would get me in trouble with the staff, even though the attacking i did was wrong (i havn't done anything like this in a year, and hopefully won't ever again).
I had a few friends, but they were only fair-weather friends, lost one due to swearing a couple of times online...yes no joke.
Later on my mother took me out of the school since they were treating me so poorly, and i was sent to a new one after a year of being homeschooled. During that time i was put on prozac, which ended up taking the life out of me and causing depression, i was also put into a very different mindset from how i usually am, often being unable to feel anger the same way as i could and i met some people online using the Steam client (its for most PC games you get these days, since i am a PC gamer), which were very shitty people and were also sexual deviants obsessed with ponies, i luckily no longer know them but they often treated me unfairly and excluded me from conversations with them for no reason, sometimes lying to get me to shut up. I also lost some other real life friends due to these people, and they (the pony fuckers) also encouraged me to be open about shit i shouldn't be open about (sexual stuff you see), which didn't help matters (i still regret some of the stuff i said, and probably always will).
But onto my time in my current school.
I met a few people there, some metalheads and some others who seemed nice...at FIRST. Later on they turned on me due to having disagreements with a friend of theirs (who blocked me online as he was very sensetive to everything) and with them (over video games and movies...yes...). They also encouraged me to be violent towards people they disliked, which they congratulated me every time i did (one actually said what i did to this one boy they hated...wrestling him to the ground, was "amazing/cool/awesome"), one also gifted me a game on Steam...but then asked me for two games in return, and later on he turned on me shortly after i gifted him these games, which made me think he was possibly only using me for these reasons.
It was all down hill from there pretty much, luckily the people i attacked forgave me and i treat them with respect , but i am not friends with them. And right at this moment i have no friends who are my age (16) at that school due to the fact they refuse to let me engage in conversations or just flat out act like i don't even exist, i get anxious if i ever think about talking to them due to the fact they always seem to treat me poorly or only say one thing to be before talking to their other friend instead. Its like my very presence turns people off.
I later did get back at these people in a non violent manner, after i caught them talking about how they would burn down my house and sexually assault my mother, but this won't fix the problems with my anxiety.
Currently i do have some new online friends who are not like the ones i previously mentioned, infact they are against those kinds of people and enjoy trolling them...but i want real life friends, people who are in my presence to talk to rather than over text or microphone.
That is all.