kipica
06-23-2013, 01:30 PM
Hi,to introduce mysfelf,i am 18 and half years old and have broken up with my first love,which was perfect in every way, after year and 3 months.
So it al started like this:
I met her 3 years ago when we were first grade of middle school.We met while we were going to regional biology competition.We talked a little but that's it.I didn't find her attractive the then.In second grade,i started to go out with her and friends from her class,and she liked me,i knew that but i didn't like her.So during summer she kinda lost her feelings for me.In third grade,i started getting attracted to her,physically.So one night on our friends birthday party we made out,and ,day after that , i suggested that we could be friends with benefits because i didn't want to hurt her as i wasn't sure whether it would work out if we started a relationship.Then,we met each other more often because we live close to each other and this friends with benefits thing kinda just progressed into relationship without us knowing.One night i told her that i love her when i was at her place at night.But this year things got out of control.
So,while we were at the same friends party again but this year,he invited some sorry to say 'slutty' girl.I kinda felt like i would do something if i werent with my girlfriend and felt bad about it.Day later i told her about that and she said that doesnt mean anything so i got over it and felt happy.At the same month couples we knew started breaking up and i felt uneasy.I started thinking a didn't love her and,the biggest problem i think,a started to like one girl from school.I would say it is anxiety from all the things i am yet going to describe so just read along.Firstly,that girl was into me while i was in 7th grade of first school but i wanted nothing with her.In 8th grade,i started to like her but it passed away.She enrolled the same middle school as me and my girlfriend and she went in the same class with her.I liked her once again when i was in first or second middle schoold grade.Now,to get back to the problem,i always masturbated on my girlfriend or other girls before,it didn't matter to me so much although i found it kinda unfair to my girlfriend to masturbate to other girls and had a little guilt about it before.So i started to masturbate on that girl for some time(few days,a week or more ,dont know exactly),and i started to like her again and my mind went crazy because of that i felt really guilty and like a monster,i felt despair.Although i like her,a wouldnt care if she was with someone else or,sorry to say again,died,because she meant nothing to me.Me and my girlfriend talked about this things a lot,i can tell her everything and she will understand and be her with me,she really is perfect.
So,i started to think would i be better off with this other girl than with my girlfriend,although now i dont want to do anything with her nor ,as i said,did care about her before,i just compared her to my girlfriend and guessed ,calculated ,drove myself crazy about whether i would get better with het although i know my girlfriend is perfect in every way.Only thing i can say is that before we started dating she already had sex with unknown guy,but a got over that and didn't matter to me before,and now i can use this as a plus for the other girl.I hate myself for doing that.
Other things i am also obsessed is whether she is the right one.I am not kind of a men who likes one night stand.From the beginning i was afraid whether i am doing everything bad for both of us,whether this can last and i forced myself to last, didnt want it to end,was afraid that i would start to like some other girl,part of it because she loved me so much and i started to love her so much that and all was perfect and i didnt want it to end.When my anxiety caught me, i started to think that it is doomed,that it couldnt work from the beginning beacuse i started to like her(phsyically firstly) year and half after she started to like me.I also ,at the beginning of the anxiety,didnt know whethet i love her but later found out i did and i do still and she still is everything for me.I cried around 30 times in this period of relationship anxiety (it lasted 2 and half months,up to now), i cried hour ago because i dont wanna lose her,i am afraid she is the best for me and always will be but while we are in relationship i just cant stop thinking that the other girl is better and calculating but she cant be.I think that my fright which i had from the beginning that this relationship would end destroyed all this,but i dont know what to think.I just need something to tell me that she is the one i can live my life with( although you maybe think it is early,a really want this,because if i have a relationship i want it to last,this is my first relationship and i dont want to go into relationships if i think they dont mean future for me and my partner),that this things happen or pass,something i could use to get back with my girlfriend who is so patient and waited all this time,i really want to have back the happiest days of my life,the ones i had with her.Nothing mattered,just me and her.It was really perfect.
She is also the girl i had my first sex with.She has bigconnected family and i find that really nice.Everyone from the wider family(uncles,aunts ,grandma,grandpa etc.) meet about once in 2 months 8(30-40 of them) and that seems amazing,i would like to be part of thah
So things i thought,maybe we spent to much time together(although i dont think so,maybe but i doubt it).We see each other every day for about 5 hours and talk via Whatsapp often when we arent together.
Maybe i am just not ready for this,i dont know.
In a month,she is going on vacation.Whole family comes to big house on Pag(Croatia island,btw i am from Croatia) and i cant stand her going out and enjoying herself without me being there.It urges me to cry.I really miss her.
Please,if you can help in any way.I just want us to be happy,i dont want this other girl although i cant get over it that she could be better.I sleep really bed this whole 2 and half months,cant learn for my middle school graduation well ,but i only care about us.I would give up on everything,really everything if we could be happy like before.I dont want to let her go,but if i must i dont see choice.Now that we have broken up,we said we will be best friends,but i already miss her and she misses me.Hope is my only chance.I know thah time heals all wounds but i dont want this to be a healed wound.I want her to be my life.
Thank you all very much,i appreaciate all advices.And i hope i will get through this hardest days of my life.I cant think straight because my mind is always on her,but if we started realtionship again,a know i would me forced to end it like i had today because my anxiety.
Oh yes,i also have problems with lack of confidence and i think that might have caused anxiety.
P.S. i already whole bunch of stories in ''Working through Relationship Anxiety - Stories and Advice'' topic,but non dealed with someone else getting into your mind.
Now,no more digressions,thank you very much
So it al started like this:
I met her 3 years ago when we were first grade of middle school.We met while we were going to regional biology competition.We talked a little but that's it.I didn't find her attractive the then.In second grade,i started to go out with her and friends from her class,and she liked me,i knew that but i didn't like her.So during summer she kinda lost her feelings for me.In third grade,i started getting attracted to her,physically.So one night on our friends birthday party we made out,and ,day after that , i suggested that we could be friends with benefits because i didn't want to hurt her as i wasn't sure whether it would work out if we started a relationship.Then,we met each other more often because we live close to each other and this friends with benefits thing kinda just progressed into relationship without us knowing.One night i told her that i love her when i was at her place at night.But this year things got out of control.
So,while we were at the same friends party again but this year,he invited some sorry to say 'slutty' girl.I kinda felt like i would do something if i werent with my girlfriend and felt bad about it.Day later i told her about that and she said that doesnt mean anything so i got over it and felt happy.At the same month couples we knew started breaking up and i felt uneasy.I started thinking a didn't love her and,the biggest problem i think,a started to like one girl from school.I would say it is anxiety from all the things i am yet going to describe so just read along.Firstly,that girl was into me while i was in 7th grade of first school but i wanted nothing with her.In 8th grade,i started to like her but it passed away.She enrolled the same middle school as me and my girlfriend and she went in the same class with her.I liked her once again when i was in first or second middle schoold grade.Now,to get back to the problem,i always masturbated on my girlfriend or other girls before,it didn't matter to me so much although i found it kinda unfair to my girlfriend to masturbate to other girls and had a little guilt about it before.So i started to masturbate on that girl for some time(few days,a week or more ,dont know exactly),and i started to like her again and my mind went crazy because of that i felt really guilty and like a monster,i felt despair.Although i like her,a wouldnt care if she was with someone else or,sorry to say again,died,because she meant nothing to me.Me and my girlfriend talked about this things a lot,i can tell her everything and she will understand and be her with me,she really is perfect.
So,i started to think would i be better off with this other girl than with my girlfriend,although now i dont want to do anything with her nor ,as i said,did care about her before,i just compared her to my girlfriend and guessed ,calculated ,drove myself crazy about whether i would get better with het although i know my girlfriend is perfect in every way.Only thing i can say is that before we started dating she already had sex with unknown guy,but a got over that and didn't matter to me before,and now i can use this as a plus for the other girl.I hate myself for doing that.
Other things i am also obsessed is whether she is the right one.I am not kind of a men who likes one night stand.From the beginning i was afraid whether i am doing everything bad for both of us,whether this can last and i forced myself to last, didnt want it to end,was afraid that i would start to like some other girl,part of it because she loved me so much and i started to love her so much that and all was perfect and i didnt want it to end.When my anxiety caught me, i started to think that it is doomed,that it couldnt work from the beginning beacuse i started to like her(phsyically firstly) year and half after she started to like me.I also ,at the beginning of the anxiety,didnt know whethet i love her but later found out i did and i do still and she still is everything for me.I cried around 30 times in this period of relationship anxiety (it lasted 2 and half months,up to now), i cried hour ago because i dont wanna lose her,i am afraid she is the best for me and always will be but while we are in relationship i just cant stop thinking that the other girl is better and calculating but she cant be.I think that my fright which i had from the beginning that this relationship would end destroyed all this,but i dont know what to think.I just need something to tell me that she is the one i can live my life with( although you maybe think it is early,a really want this,because if i have a relationship i want it to last,this is my first relationship and i dont want to go into relationships if i think they dont mean future for me and my partner),that this things happen or pass,something i could use to get back with my girlfriend who is so patient and waited all this time,i really want to have back the happiest days of my life,the ones i had with her.Nothing mattered,just me and her.It was really perfect.
She is also the girl i had my first sex with.She has bigconnected family and i find that really nice.Everyone from the wider family(uncles,aunts ,grandma,grandpa etc.) meet about once in 2 months 8(30-40 of them) and that seems amazing,i would like to be part of thah
So things i thought,maybe we spent to much time together(although i dont think so,maybe but i doubt it).We see each other every day for about 5 hours and talk via Whatsapp often when we arent together.
Maybe i am just not ready for this,i dont know.
In a month,she is going on vacation.Whole family comes to big house on Pag(Croatia island,btw i am from Croatia) and i cant stand her going out and enjoying herself without me being there.It urges me to cry.I really miss her.
Please,if you can help in any way.I just want us to be happy,i dont want this other girl although i cant get over it that she could be better.I sleep really bed this whole 2 and half months,cant learn for my middle school graduation well ,but i only care about us.I would give up on everything,really everything if we could be happy like before.I dont want to let her go,but if i must i dont see choice.Now that we have broken up,we said we will be best friends,but i already miss her and she misses me.Hope is my only chance.I know thah time heals all wounds but i dont want this to be a healed wound.I want her to be my life.
Thank you all very much,i appreaciate all advices.And i hope i will get through this hardest days of my life.I cant think straight because my mind is always on her,but if we started realtionship again,a know i would me forced to end it like i had today because my anxiety.
Oh yes,i also have problems with lack of confidence and i think that might have caused anxiety.
P.S. i already whole bunch of stories in ''Working through Relationship Anxiety - Stories and Advice'' topic,but non dealed with someone else getting into your mind.
Now,no more digressions,thank you very much