Too much at once...

[valigail]

I am new to this group, and need some support. I am a 29 year old, unemployed, married, and stressed woman who is dealing with an idiot husband. We have been trying for a baby for over two years. When we first met, I thought I didn't want kids. He was the same way. Well, being a woman, I changed my mind. He was ok with trying. Although, I knew he still didn't want kids deep down. He denies it, but it's true. My marriage is far from perfect. I'm very unhappy and want out. He's very controlling and is in major denial that he is. I'm losing the will to deal with everything. Normally, I'm a strong independent woman, but with all the mind games he plays, I've weakened considerably. Am I the only one that deals with this? Please tell me I'm not crazy. I was diagnosed with depression/bipolar disorder about ten years ago. I thought I had a handle on it but its deteriorating.

[DodgingRain]

My suggestion is to be very careful about making changes to your relationship if/when you're suffering from any symptoms. They can cloud your judgment a lot. My symptoms can make me a little paranoid and I see motivations in other people that may or may not be there.

[valigail]

I did go to the doctor and they altered my medication. There are days that I feel like the medicine is helping but then I have days like I did today. I'm getting very little sleep and its affecting everything. The tears are near the surface every minute of every day. I'm in so much pain mentally and physically. I just wish my husband could spend a day in my shoes to see what it's like. I really wish I could get past all the anger and sadness. It'll be a long time until I do.

[DodgingRain]

Yah, my spouse doesn't really understand either. She tries but really has no clue what its like but we are still together so that's something. I know when my symptoms are in full force my paranoia can make me turn on just about anyone regardless of what they have done for me in the past. I even turn on inanimate objects like my favorite things and start to want to sell everything I have unless I'm in direct contact or eye site of them.

There are times when I turn on her and it's really hard for me to tell if its the symptoms of the illness or if the marriage isn't what it should be. Sucks, it gets really hard to tell if it's me or if there really issues with a relationship I have with someone. Knowing about the illness is almost worse and becomes paralyzing since I don't know what to do or if there is a problem outside of my head.

If there is anything I can do or if you want to talk sometime drop me a PM.

[valigail]

I know what you mean about being paranoid at times. I've gone thru that, too. But there's a difference between that and what I'm going thru now. Not saying that ur wrong, bc ur not. I know that my marriage is on its last leg. If my husband is even a little smart, he would know it, too, but I don't have that much faith in his smarts (or lack thereof). He's actually the reason I've been going thru this episode and had my meds adjusted. When I told him that, it's like it didn't register with him. I just wish I was in a good place to be able to leave him. I did start therapy this past week, so that'll help my extreme anger and hate. I'm just so tired of it all.

[DodgingRain]

Hang in there kiddo. What kind of problems are you having in your marriage? If it were me I'd hold off on the kids thing until everything is better than it is now. Adding kids to the mix just makes things worse and gives you less options.

[Sedigive]

I agree not a good time to add kids. My situation is actually similiar to yours.

[jessy]

My situ is also similar to yours

You are not alone x

[valigail]

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one. I do have some exciting news: I enrolled in the medical assisting program at the local community college. I'm so excited!! It'll get me out of the house and it'll give me the motivation I need to become a useful member of society. I still feel out of it and down in the dumps, tho. Maybe things will start looking up.

[DodgingRain]

Hopefully that helps you more than short term. What I find is that when I have a new distraction I feel better, the stronger the distraction the better I feel. When the distraction isn't as new and isn't as distracting I tend to fall back into the illness. At this point it takes a major distraction to help, something so intense I almost can't think about anything else because it requires so much of my attention. It's getting hard to find intense enough distractions at this point.

[Lin]

Sounds like you need some help with your depression and you need to get out of this relationship which is not helping you at all. It is a very big step having a child and you should never do it unless you are certain you both want a child and that you will be able to stay together and give your child a loving home. If you can't, don't even consider having a baby, it is not the right time for you. Much better to wait for the right time and right relationship to have a baby.

[HealingTime]

You're definitely not alone. I'm in a rough marriage but in my case I'm not ready to give in. I want my family intact. But it's majorly depressing when he won't talk to me and wants to sleep in the spare room or go out all hours if the night. Marriage is hard, you're not alone.

[valigail]

Lin, you've hit the nail on the head. I'm doing therapy on a weekly basis, so that's helping. I'm also hoping that my therapist can help me formulate a plan on what I need to do before I try to get out of this marriage. Just a couple days ago, I was talking to my sister about it all. When I first started in, she was defensive on behalf of my husband, but then she started to understand why I felt so angry with him. I feel like I'm doing all the right things and am on a better path.

It's very refreshing to know I'm not the only one with depression and exhausted from trying to work on a marriage. This just isn't working. My mom said something that stuck with me and rings true: he just doesn't bring out the best in me and I don't bring out the best in him anymore.

[laurentellez]

Anxiety can be better or worse after a divorce.. for me it got worse.. why?? Idk.. I felt like I was being punished ... everyday.. my anxiety didn't start until 5months after separation.. some people r different.. that was 2 years ago and still haven't been able to shake the anxiety yet. Now a lot of other things have manifested from it.. better to get help quick.. don't let it get one step ahead of you.

[Lin]

Valigail I hope it all works out the best for you.