j2013
06-22-2013, 04:37 PM
Hi, I'm extremely new here, and I'm nervous to even post about this, but figured I've come to the right place. I've been struggling with anxiety ever since I can remember, and I've recently started seeing a therapist to help with coping with it. Throughout the day, I'm constantly on edge. I fear talking to new people, and if I'm not worrying about social interaction, I'm worrying about maintaining the relationships I've already formed -- specifically, my relationship with my (pseudo) boyfriend (we're really on and off) and best friend, (let's call him) Greg. Last night I went to a party and on the way back, I wanted to see him. I was hoping maybe I could sleep over, since I often sleep over his house on the weekends. Even though he agreed to meet up with me and talk and spend time, he was too tired to have me sleep over. I got really upset. I understand this wasn't a fair reaction to him. He has every right to say "no" to me sleeping over, especially considering everything he's done for me (helping me get through attacks, reassuring me when I'm doubtful and at my most anxious, etc.) but I couldn't hear that answer for some reason last night. I might have still been feeling some of the effects of alcohol from the party, even though I'm pretty sure I was sober at that point.
Anyway, I was anxious the whole night because even though he eventually let me stay over, I knew he didn't really want to, but rather he felt obligated. Today, he called me saying how he didn't like the way I made him feel obligated to have me over. This made me feel extremely guilty and anxious. I was nervous that because of this, he wouldn't want to talk to me. See, every time he lets on that I've annoyed him, no matter how slight, I get scared that this will cause him to think of other times I've annoyed him and that one day, something will happen that will trigger him to just leave. I feel like my constant worrying and needing reassurance from him will eventually drive him away. It's so hard for me to stay reassured, though.
Now he's on his way to a friend's house, of whom I don't really approve, because this friend does heavy drugs recreationally. So, it might have been a combination of my tension and anxiety from this conversation and the fact he was now going to spend time with this friend. He said he'd call me later, but I wasn't satisfied with the way the convo ended so after we hung up I called him again... Four times. I'm so ashamed at how I reacted. I also sent him a long text saying sorry for my actions, and that I wish I didn't react this way all the time, and how anxiety is so exhausting to the point where I ask myself, what is the point of living. I am not suicidal but sometimes these thoughts come into my mind when my anxiety is so crippling and overwhelming, stopping me from doing things as simple as asking someone a question at work. I told him that I'm scared that my anxiety will drive everyone in my life away from me, including him, because they will eventually get fed up. I'm so so so scared of this happening. He hasn't responded or returned the calls... I hate myself for doing so, too. Now I'm in a depression rut, and I probably won't get out until I've sorted this out with him. I feel so inept.
Anyway, if anyone can say they've been or are experiencing similar fears, or a similar situation, or any advice at all, please feel free. I feel so down right now.
Anyway, I was anxious the whole night because even though he eventually let me stay over, I knew he didn't really want to, but rather he felt obligated. Today, he called me saying how he didn't like the way I made him feel obligated to have me over. This made me feel extremely guilty and anxious. I was nervous that because of this, he wouldn't want to talk to me. See, every time he lets on that I've annoyed him, no matter how slight, I get scared that this will cause him to think of other times I've annoyed him and that one day, something will happen that will trigger him to just leave. I feel like my constant worrying and needing reassurance from him will eventually drive him away. It's so hard for me to stay reassured, though.
Now he's on his way to a friend's house, of whom I don't really approve, because this friend does heavy drugs recreationally. So, it might have been a combination of my tension and anxiety from this conversation and the fact he was now going to spend time with this friend. He said he'd call me later, but I wasn't satisfied with the way the convo ended so after we hung up I called him again... Four times. I'm so ashamed at how I reacted. I also sent him a long text saying sorry for my actions, and that I wish I didn't react this way all the time, and how anxiety is so exhausting to the point where I ask myself, what is the point of living. I am not suicidal but sometimes these thoughts come into my mind when my anxiety is so crippling and overwhelming, stopping me from doing things as simple as asking someone a question at work. I told him that I'm scared that my anxiety will drive everyone in my life away from me, including him, because they will eventually get fed up. I'm so so so scared of this happening. He hasn't responded or returned the calls... I hate myself for doing so, too. Now I'm in a depression rut, and I probably won't get out until I've sorted this out with him. I feel so inept.
Anyway, if anyone can say they've been or are experiencing similar fears, or a similar situation, or any advice at all, please feel free. I feel so down right now.