Living with an alcoholic spouse

[Anna321]

Hello! I'm new to this, so please be patient with me. I don't have much support in my life, and to approach people is difficult for me.

Long story short, I have had chronic depression and anxiety for many years. There have been times where I have sought out professional help as well as medication, and times where I have worked to change my lifestyle and diet, to exercise more, etc.... All of those things have helped in the past. Unfortunately, as I start to feel better, I grow careless in keeping up with the things that are working, and I end up back to the beginning, feeling like I have to start over again. I find myself at that point again. I know it is time to get busy and get on track.

The most difficult part of making those changes is living with an alcoholic spouse. Lately his drinking has gotten worse than I have ever seen it. At times he resents me when I make positive changes for myself, and he says and does things to hurt my confidence; at times it feels like sabotage.

As I start this journey again to pull myself up out of the funk, it is overwhelming to think of doing it alone, especially when it seems to make my relationship more stressful and adversarial. The idea of divorce and bankruptcy is so overwhelming on top of everything else that I feel paralyzed. I work hard to keep the issues we have from impacting my kids, although I know they are insightful and can easily figure out that Mom is sad and worried a lot, and Dad is unreliable and very angry too often. I work two jobs, and there isn't much extra time to work on myself, but I know it has to be done soon before I'm so low that the irrational thoughts of suicide start seeming rational.

I'm hoping this forum can give me some support or some ideas where I could turn for help. I have no other family, except for a father who recently lost his leg and has needed me to care for him. We had been estranged for years, and this past year it has been difficult to be around him again. He is not someone I can rely on for any kind of help.

Thank you again for your patience with me!

[brittany32888]

Hello Anna! First of all, the fact that you are seeking help is a huge step, now the next one would be to find what's right for you. I have suffered with anxiety the majority of my life so I understand the feelings aspect of it. You need to know that you are okay and you can get through this, these overwhelming feelings are circumstantial and you will one day be able to face struggles head on. I'm sorry for what you are going through and hope you can find what you need here.
My partner of 5 years is a recovering alcoholic, so I understand what it is like to live with one. Although I consider alcoholism a disease within itself, it is not easy when the choice was theirs to make. I definitely would view his disease no differently than the state of mind you have found yourself in, and understand the words he speaks are not his own. My partner was very angry, aggressive, and verbally abusive, and with having anxiety it only accelerated the trauma. I today still have to deal with the emotional damage that took place during that time in our relationship.
With that being said, you do not deserve to be abused, no matter the situation. If you can find it in yourself to step away to give the needed time for recovery and healing on both ends, do so. I understand you have children and my heart goes out to them, but some damage is harder to reverse than others and they need at least one whole parent. It seems like you've taken on so much responsibility concerning people who cannot return the favor. Why do you feel the need to only help but not be helped? It also seems like you are at a point for decision making, you spoke of divorce and bankruptcy. These are all triggers for anxiety, making a right decision is not an easy task. But maybe if you could look at it from a slightly different angle, neither one of those things have to have a negative impact on your life.
For instance, as a child, when my parents divorced, I was admittedly sad because it changed my everyday life, but I felt so much better, like a weight had been lifted, because the tension was unbearable. No child wants to have parents that don't get along, or bring the worst out in one another, whether they can communicate that or not. And if you financially are at a point where bankruptcy is an option, maybe it can be a positive thing in your life, freeing yourself from the added stress of debt.
And as far as your father is concerned, how does being around him, in this condition make you feel? Do you feel obligated because he is your father?
I actually had a similar situation with my father who is also estranged. When I was about 19 or so, he contacted me needing help because he had injured his back and he couldn't drive. So I became his mother for what seemed like forever, I took him to dr. appointments, went shopping for him, cleaned his apartment, then had to stay over listening to whatever he wanted to talk about, because I felt guilty. He had no one, but sometimes there's a reason they no longer have support in their lives, and that is beyond anyone else's control. He took advantage of me, he wasn't a dad to me, but pulled that card when he needed something. I don't know the background story on your relationship with your father, or lack there of, but if being around him contributes to your anxiety, then no one is gaining from this. You need to be healthy first and foremost. You can't leave yourself out, you are the only you, and apparently you play an important role in a lot of people's lives. You should be proud of yourself, you are needed and you can be strong. And because you are faced with these obstacles and WILL survive, you will teach your children so much more of life.

[Judie]

Hello! I'm new to this, so please be patient with me. I don't have much support in my life, and to approach people is difficult for me.

Long story short, I have had chronic depression and anxiety for many years. There have been times where I have sought out professional help as well as medication, and times where I have worked to change my lifestyle and diet, to exercise more, etc.... All of those things have helped in the past. Unfortunately, as I start to feel better, I grow careless in keeping up with the things that are working, and I end up back to the beginning, feeling like I have to start over again. I find myself at that point again. I know it is time to get busy and get on track.

The most difficult part of making those changes is living with an alcoholic spouse. Lately his drinking has gotten worse than I have ever seen it. At times he resents me when I make positive changes for myself, and he says and does things to hurt my confidence; at times it feels like sabotage.

As I start this journey again to pull myself up out of the funk, it is overwhelming to think of doing it alone, especially when it seems to make my relationship more stressful and adversarial. The idea of divorce and bankruptcy is so overwhelming on top of everything else that I feel paralyzed. I work hard to keep the issues we have from impacting my kids, although I know they are insightful and can easily figure out that Mom is sad and worried a lot, and Dad is unreliable and very angry too often. I work two jobs, and there isn't much extra time to work on myself, but I know it has to be done soon before I'm so low that the irrational thoughts of suicide start seeming rational.

I'm hoping this forum can give me some support or some ideas where I could turn for help. I have no other family, except for a father who recently lost his leg and has needed me to care for him. We had been estranged for years, and this past year it has been difficult to be around him again. He is not someone I can rely on for any kind of help.

Thank you again for your patience with me!
Hi Anna321, I am quite confident that you and I will relate very well. I have had a Panic Disorder/ Depression ( ebbs and flows, sometimes very good, other times not so much ) I do have an understanding of anxiety,depression, alcoholism. And co-dependency. My panic surfaced within months of my mom's death ( Liver Cancer due to the fact that she was alcoholic, whom I loved dearly) my bother (alcoholic/addict) became much worse after my mom's death and that "verbal abuse" ( the hallmark of the true alcoholic)was targeted directly at me ,hurt the one's you are closest to ? Words like " If I am in the same shape as you at 30 I hope someone kills me" leave permanent scars whether they come out of a drunk's mouth or not. I went on to marry an alcoholic, who is now in recovery and has been sober for 20 years. When my daughter was 3, after I suffered a miscarriage I looked at my husband and said " there are things in life i can do nothing about, miscarriages, cancer, death but there are things like not having my child grow up in an alcoholic home that I can control we will leave. My. Husband had fortunately already come to the realization on his own ( given that he had two older children). You can't get a drunk sober, only he or she can do that. The truth is you as a co-dependent are comfortable with the alcoholic spouse ( you hate it but you know it and people are comfortable with what they know so they resist change. The oddest thing is many people divorce after the spouse gets sober because the non alcoholic no longer has her role defined) Long story short my husband is a wonderful guy, whom I love dearly. He is responsible and focused. He knows the disease well, he knows one drink, he's down. When he quit drinking for years I wouldn't have even a glass of wine in front of him ( I thought and do believe that's abusive in a recovery situation) Anyway we both both worked his sobriety and focused on bringing up Amanda in a sober home. I had stopped work and was a stay at home mom ( I too took are of my elderly dad)...I loved/ love being a mom, it was/is my saving grace in this world. My husband and I made two grave errors in judgement in parenting, we took in my brother (after he was thrown out by his girlfriend and we took in my stepson also and addict/ alcoholic) we did this because they were supposedly recovery (sober) this was at two different times, they were not here together and this spanned 5 years. Both were active and both we told to leave, my brother ( my daughter's godfather ) and her brother ( she had been very close to) never spoke to her again.My brother who I supported and paid 12,000 dollars for his rehab and covered his expenses, owed me 21,000 dollars. He told. People I. Was a thief ?????? Did my daughter, my husband , myself suffer from those five years...tremendously. My daughter suffers from. Depression and anxiety. Two people she thought cared about her proved like all alcoholics/ addicts that all they cared about was their drug of choice. I beat myself up all the time because I extended that helping hand and put my Daughter's happiness in jeopardy. So at the end of the day I did what I believed was right, because I was an adult child of an alcoholic...but I was so very wrong ..If I could turn back time ? Are those two people we helped thankful, appreciative, loving ? None of the above. Please take care of yourself and your kids. Your husband is responsible for himself, this is a disease but it's a treatable disease...his choice, his life, no excuses. Be Well, PM me anytime. There is a really good book by Louise Hay called "You Can Heal Your Life". It isn't about alcoholism , it's about our own self esteem and how we can change things in our life. PM me if you want!Good Luck, I'll be thinking of you.

[Anna321]

Thank you both so much for your responses! I found your thoughtfulness and understanding of my experiences very inspiring. You've given me some very good ideas to explore, and best of all I don't feel as alone knowing there are other compassionate and intelligent people dealing with similar issues! Many blessings to you both!

[brittany32888]

Thank you both so much for your responses! I found your thoughtfulness and understanding of my experiences very inspiring. You've given me some very good ideas to explore, and best of all I don't feel as alone knowing there are other compassionate and intelligent people dealing with similar issues! Many blessings to you both!

Thinking about you. How have you been?

[Anna321]

I have done some very positive things in the last couple of days. I have been clearing out the clutter in my house to prepare for a yard sale and to take back some control over my home. I have been able to get myself to exercise each day too. Tonight I came home to a very drunk husband, and I was able to handle the situation in a way that didn't shake my confidence or my motivation. I am taking it one day at a time (sometimes one hour at a time), and I'm trying to use a lot of positive affirmations. I've ordered the book you suggested, and I look forward to reading it! Thank you!

How are you?

[brittany32888]

I have done some very positive things in the last couple of days. I have been clearing out the clutter in my house to prepare for a yard sale and to take back some control over my home. I have been able to get myself to exercise each day too. Tonight I came home to a very drunk husband, and I was able to handle the situation in a way that didn't shake my confidence or my motivation. I am taking it one day at a time (sometimes one hour at a time), and I'm trying to use a lot of positive affirmations. I've ordered the book you suggested, and I look forward to reading it! Thank you!

How are you?

Good to hear!!!! Sometimes it is only a matter of taking things a day at a time, until you realize it becomes a way of life. I'm so happy you have taken positive steps, even if small, do they not make you feel better and that there is now hope?