i deserve pain.

[sazco]

in any way shape or form. i cut. i hit scratch punch burn my body. idk why i feel like i deserve this but i really believe it. i wish i would dissappear or worse. my mind tunes into pain. why?

[scared44]

in any way shape or form. i cut. i hit scratch punch burn my body. idk why i feel like i deserve this but i really believe it. i wish i would dissappear or worse. my mind tunes into pain. why?

Hey Sazco, Please get yourself some help! Do you have family support, a doctor, councellor ect! Or in your frame of mind I think it may help if you present to the emergency department at your nearest hospital. If you dont want to go down that path, talk to people on here as you will get the support you need! Im very worried about you :( Please PM me if you want to talk. xxxx

[scared44]

in any way shape or form. i cut. i hit scratch punch burn my body. idk why i feel like i deserve this but i really believe it. i wish i would dissappear or worse. my mind tunes into pain. why?

P.S You do NOT deserve pain! Nobody does xx

[Anxious Abi]

Hey sazco, I am sorry to hear how you're feeling at the moment and I believe I understand what it is like to feel you deserve pain, for a long time I would harm myself on a regular basis, still do sometimes.
For me, it was only when my mum found out what I was doing that I got help, the Doctors were mainly worried about things like infection, and introduced me to two methods of feeling pain without seriously harming myself. Using an elastic band to repeatedly snap on my wrist, and holding ice cubes in the palm of my hand.
I think scared44 is right, even though you feel you deserve this, you don't. I have spent a long time thinking I was worthless, and that I didn't deserve anything good in my life, this forum has really helped me, and also the support of my mum and best friend.
Just know you're not alone.
Abi

[sazco]

i wont seek help. in my mind i want help. but in another part i dont deserve help. everyone tells me i dont deserve this. but who are we to even say that? i might talk to a priest today. i wont look for help. ill just talk on here.

[Anxious Abi]

Sazco, sorry i'm a little hesitant, not sure what to say as I find it very difficult to relate with people on a religious level, as I myself haven't been brought up in a religious household. I hope you don't mind I would like to ask a few questions; (by all means tell me to P'off if it is too interfering). Do you believe God thinks you deserve this? I may be completely wrong, but I thought God is our only judge, and he will punish us as he see's fit when the time comes. Is punishing yourself carrying out God's will?
You seem a little conflicted, you keep saying you wont seek help, yet you already have by communicating on here and also making plans to talk to a priest. I think it could really help you, but you have to be open to it and really listen, accept the possibility that maybe you don't actually deserve to punish yourself in this way. Enough said, we are only as deserving as we let ourselves be.
Hope you feel better soon.
Abi

[sazco]

they say the only person or thing that can judge us is god. i grew up religious and i enjoy mass im catholic so i find it calming to talk to a priest. at the same time i feel that seeking help is something i shouldn't do. because i dont deserve to be saved or to save myself. i think two things at once a lot of the time and its a constant battle to make up my mind on things. nothing anyone says would get me mad or angry or whatever. even if im doing gods job by hurting myself i do think its alright to do. idc if im being hypocritical. god wasnt there when things happened and i had no one. god didnt help me or give me strength. i have me strength. i helped me. but i dont want to help me anymore. sometimes i believe in him sometimes i believe in karma and sometimes i believe there is no god. im confused. but this is my life not anyone else's. im not choosing to feel this way i just do.

p. s. my family doesn't care about me.

[acetone]

What does God do for us anyway? He is not saving the person who is being killed, he is not saving the victim of rape, he is not saving the victim of bullying, he is not saving the victims of incurable diseases. What does he do then anyway? If you can abandon your religion and open your eyes to reality, you will see things in a new light.

[alankay]

It's a compulsion and should be treated by a pdoc. You deserve no pain. Alankay

[HealingTime]

I too feel I deserve nothing good and when I'm having a panic attack I hate myself. I will chant over and over about what a horrible person I am and how can I screw up again and again and not learn from my mistakes. I tend to hit myself in the head because I deserve to feel at least some pain for the pain I seem to cause others (namely my husband). Days later when I can still feel the soreness on my head it acts as a reminder that I don't deserve anything good.

[sazco]

I too feel I deserve nothing good and when I'm having a panic attack I hate myself. I will chant over and over about what a horrible person I am and how can I screw up again and again and not learn from my mistakes. I tend to hit myself in the head because I deserve to feel at least some pain for the pain I seem to cause others (namely my husband). Days later when I can still feel the soreness on my head it acts as a reminder that I don't deserve anything good.

we do too deserve good. when i started this thread i kind of enjoyed the pain and was very lost. this wasnt too long ago but its scary to read because today i am so much better. i wish you luck and dont hit your head thats where your brain is... im here to talk to if you need it.

i only harmed my legs. the scars remind me of how strong i am and that i can survive anything. if i can do it you can too, once you believe in yourself you will make it through. good luck.

[HealingTime]

I have a cut on my hand right now from digging my fingernail into my hand last week. Anyone could look close enough and see that it matches the shape of my nail. Ugh.

I don't believe in myself. But I'm working on my therapist to see how I can change how I look at myself. How I can learn to like myself.

[sazco]

I have a cut on my hand right now from digging my fingernail into my hand last week. Anyone could look close enough and see that it matches the shape of my nail. Ugh.

I don't believe in myself. But I'm working on my therapist to see how I can change how I look at myself. How I can learn to like myself.

ive been repeating phrases to myself. i listed my good qualities and what not. i lookup how to's on google. been helping so far!

[HealingTime]

ive been repeating phrases to myself. i listed my good qualities and what not. i lookup how to's on google. been helping so far!

That's great news! Keep at it. I'm still working on things.....

[Stephj526]

I'm not a professional, but I've taken a few classes on things like this. They say that cutting is a form of control. People who feel like they are losing control in other aspects of their lives, often find hurting themselves gives them that control. But it's so dangerous. And you definitely do not deserve pain, there are so many good qualities about everyone, yourself included. Anxiety makes us all feel out of control, I can only imagine this must play into these feelings.

I know you say you don't want to seek help, but do you have a friend you could talk to?

[sazco]

I'm not a professional, but I've taken a few classes on things like this. They say that cutting is a form of control. People who feel like they are losing control in other aspects of their lives, often find hurting themselves gives them that control. But it's so dangerous. And you definitely do not deserve pain, there are so many good qualities about everyone, yourself included. Anxiety makes us all feel out of control, I can only imagine this must play into these feelings.

I know you say you don't want to seek help, but do you have a friend you could talk to?

No I write in a journal. A form of control.. hmm. So you have a class in all self-harming behavior?

HealingTime: dont give up ever

[futurebound]

Hey sazco hope today is a good day.

Ideally self-harming is one that should be avoided, but if it's a daily occurrence and u can't stop it, maybe there's a constructive way of self harming.

I have worked with people who self harm and we have used various techniques before. Have u ever tried having an elastic band around your wrist, and pinging it when getting the urge to self harm. Have u tried using an ice cube to numb a part of your body giving that sensation of short term pain and relief.

Ideally I wouldn't want u to substitute it with something else, but maybe if u struggle with it on a daily basis these kinda techniques will help with that urge and reduce the risk of serious harm.

:)

[Stephj526]

No I write in a journal. A form of control.. hmm. So you have a class in all self-harming behavior?

HealingTime: dont give up ever

I was going to school to be a therapist for a while, there were classes about this during that. That's good you write in a journal. Hope you are doing well today!

[sazco]

the hairtie things my sister gave me doesnt due the trick. not hard enough. doesnt hurt or give me the satisfaction. only if im out and about. only to a certain extent.

interesting.

today i just kept telling myself the thoughts of harming will pass and they did. then comes night when i get angry easily. tmmrw im going back on 40mgs of my peroxetine, tried 30 today and im doing okay... just hope i sleep tonight...

[leighlee]

You diffently do not deserve pain. Is it possible that the emotions you are feeling are so strong you know no other way then through physical pain you inflict?

[sazco]

You diffently do not deserve pain. Is it possible that the emotions you are feeling are so strong you know no other way then through physical pain you inflict?

its true. im on a new med to control my depression and manic episodes. i just get SO angry, idk. it bottles up, then idk what to do after i have it.