Kind of lost. Need advice.

[nikkabean326]

I had a major anxiety attack last week at work. I was running late because I locked my keys in my condo. My boyfriend had to leave work (we work at the same place) and pick me up. I made it but was 15 minutes late. Then my tools on my computer didn't hold my password so I couldn't log on to important things needed to perform my job. I switched desks and a lead comes over and says "Who gave you permission to move your seat?" - I pretty much lost it. I started sobbing hysterically. She brought me to the bathroom and gave me some water. Fast forward two hours later, I'm still crying and not able to perform my job. I ended up leaving that day without pay.

Today I woke up with anxiety. Boyfriends birthday is tomorrow and I don't have a gift or a card. Blood work needs to be done because there could be something wrong with my thyroid. Missed my gynecologist appointment last week. Accommodation paperwork has not been sent to work for the week I called out. I worked out, ate something, got my stuff together for work and left early. I sat in the parking lot at work for a half hour. My boyfriend came out and said "Nikki, I love you. If you can't do this, then don't. It's not worth you being like this."

My thoughts have become depressing. I think that people are maybe better off without me. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and soul. This is causing him so much stress. I hate putting him through this. I know he wants me to talk to him about what's going on but there's only so many times I can explain that nothing is specifically triggering this.

My anxiety is primarily based around work. I. Hate. My. Job. I'm good at it. But, I hate it. I hate the way customers treat me. I hate sitting at desk with a headset to my ear for eight hours a day. I hate working until midnight. I just hate it. I'm in such a tough position because the job is so good money wise... what good does it do me when I can't even get myself to get out of my car and sign in?

I need to know what to do. I need some type of direction. The primary doctor I went to was useless. It's the first time I've experienced this and after ten minutes of talking to me she prescribed me xanax. Not a good move, Doc. I'm abusing this medication and I know it. I take it to relax even when I don't need to. I'm mixing it with alcohol. Last Friday was the worst. I was down right depressed. A bottle of wine, two beers and six xanax later I passed out. She was apparently going to refer me to the psychiatry department at the local hospital but it's been a week and I haven't heard anything. I don't know if it's a mental leave of absence that I want to take from work or what even qualifies as one. What makes me think a week off will change the way I view this job. I need to do something and I need to do something fast. I obviously can't be trusted with any type of medication but I don't know how to deal with whatever this is.

Now I'm at home.. I'm just depressed. I'm exhausted. Mentally exhausted. I want to nap but I'll feel even more useless if I nap. I need to start taking care of this instead of laying around being so inactive about it. I've been talking about seeing someone for a long time but I haven't acted on it.

I rescheduled my gynecologist appointment for tomorrow at 9:45AM. I'm going to take care of that. I'll come home, work out, shower and call my primary doctor. I'm going to find out about the paperwork and about the referral to the hospital. I'll head to work and speak to HR about what my options are. I need to figure out a way to be okay with this job. I need to not feel this anxiety whenever I leave my house to go to work. Mondays are the worst. They're once of the most stressful days. Sometimes up to five hundred customers in queue and it's just awful.

I started working out again in hopes that it'll help me. It's only been two days so.. I just need to keep it up. I know I can get better. I see myself being healthy, active, in love, smiling, going to work everyday, making money and paying my bills. I see a bright future but I *need* to get over this hump that I've found myself barely creeping over. I guess life would be boring if we didn't have this moments, huh?

Here's the thing.. I always have this grand moment of clarity when I don't go to work. I'm sitting here going .."Yeah! I can do this. I can be positive and productive! I can get shit done!" - Then tomorrow is going to come along and I'm going to struggle with getting out of bed. I'm going to want to cancel my appointments all together. Skip out on work again and stay home. But, for now. Things feel okay. Because tomorrow hasn't happened yet. I've got a plan. I've got a damn good plan. But am I going to follow through with it?

I'm sorry to spend so much time just rambling about this. I don't know where else to go. I've spoken to my friends but sometimes it's nice to just hear a different perspective. So, I have a plan. Here's hoping I actually follow through with it tomorrow. In the mean time, I'm going to purchase concert tickets for my boyfriend for his birthday and present them to him at midnight.

Hope you all are doing well.

- Nikki

[malty]

Nikki

You're not alone. Frequently I have a plan. A really good one that I feel will work. But then at other times I feel incapable of making any decisions by myself. I need help just to do that. Plus the great plan goes out the window!

Great present. Hope its a good concert.

[ssh7819]

You might be better off burning your anxiety in exercise or just a fast walk. They put me on diazepam and it's rubbish, i have to take 4 of them to feel myself slowing down. I have a huge problem with loud music either from a car parked out front or from next door and when i know i can't do anything about it i put in my earphones, play my dance tunes and do cardio for an hour or however long til i feel wiped out. It's not a cure but it's so much more effective than tranquillisers. The world would be a perfect place if we each had our own impenetrable bubbles to chill out and recharge.

[DodgingRain]

I understand the work anxiety thing. I've had days in the past (and still some days now but less) where I'd just end up calling into work sick even though I was fine. Every time I do that I just feel worse so I pretty much force myself to go to work now no matter what. I have 5 weeks of vacation a year and I generally don't take it as I have a harder time going back to work after any time off.

Sunday nights are my worst. Sometimes I end up with panic attacks or I can't sleep or I end up in the bathroom during dinner because I feel like food is trapped in my throat and I can't swallow. I've had years of chest pain and they can find nothing wrong.

I know what its like to abuse the benzo drugs and take enough just to knock myself out so I don't have to deal with it. I've tried using distraction activities, which does work, but it takes some pretty extreme activities for it to work and my wife can't deal with those and I don't like doing things on my own all the time. I've gone as far as things like swing parties, street racing, etc. which help me feel ok for a few days but its a temporary fix. It seems if the activity is extreme enough I forget about whatever is causing the anxiety, unfortunately the next time I do the activity I have to push it farther to get the same effect.

I've tried the exercise thing and it does help but only if I'm completely exhausted afterwards. As it goes on it gets harder and harder to achieve that. I was running more than 10 miles at a time to get myself tired enough to calm down.

Wish I had a good solution but I don't. When I've gotten to the end of what I could handle I've had to switch jobs which helps for a few years before things get bad again.

[lucy91]

Hey Nikki,

I can relate. Is this your first dealing with panic attacks? If so, I know how terrifying it can be. Know that everything related to anxiety takes time to pass but it comes for a reason and the repetition of panic/anxiety-triggering events always teaches you something about yourself and gives you hints of what might be wrong.

It seems like your job is the primary source of your anxiety. It's normal. Especially if you're a perfectionist and/or care about doing things right. If this is your first job in the field, it might also be the case.

I can't tell you 100% sure what the prognosis for this is, since I'm also still dealing with anxiety and don't think I'm cured yet. But know that you're not alone and that all evidence points that symptoms subside over time.

In the meanwhile, look for a therapist. Meds provide relief but don't treat the issue. I like to deal with my problems rationally, even if sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. And stay away from the combination meds+alcohol. It can seriously harm you. I drink a beer or a glass of wine from time to time since sometimes it's the only thing that really provides relief but I never mix two substances nor go past my pre-established limits.

Hope this helps a bit. If you need, send me a message. I'll be here for you. :)