Andwot
06-17-2013, 04:27 AM
Hi,
So, felt like sharing what I've been living with the past few years. I have been diagnosed with exactly what is in the title. I am completely housebound because of this and have been for a frustrating amount of time. My usual day, as far as anxiety goes, is as follows:
Wake up feeling good most of the time, comfortable in my apartment and happy to sit on the computer listening to music/reading/etc.
Have physical symptom of some kind at some point during the day. These can vary hugely as can how I react to them. A pain in my leg could be a pain in my leg or a burst artery, for example.
Dwell on this physical symptom, become very upset and uncomfortable.
Sometimes have more symptoms reveal themselves, sometimes won't.
99 if not 100% of the time associate pain/sensation/feeling to a heart problem.
Sit in extremely anxious state for hours shaking, battling my breathing, convincing myself that I'm perfectly healthy, the cleaning product i just used hasn't realised poisonous gas or the apple i ate didn't contain some form of flesh eating disease (Yes i honestly believe these things when i'm in this state)
Possibly having a full blown panic attack, although usually i just remain in a VERY high anxiety state, not quite panic attack though (although i only say that because it lasts for hours and hours, it's still nearly as intense as one).
Take diazepam if i need to/really don't care for sitting through a period of extreme anxiety on that day. (This translated to taking diazepam roughly 3-4 times per month)
Eventually go to bed.
Wake up feeling good.
And thus the cycle repeats. Chuck in some extreme depression occasionally (including but not limited to thoughts about my absolute lack of social and sex life, money, people to just talk to, motivation to even clean my place or cook food, my physical appearance, my worth to society, my future etc etc etc) for good measure. That's my day to day. I leave my apartment maybe once a week for, at best, 2 hours and that is to see my nan (in her house). I'm 21 years old, she doesn't do much for me in terms of social satisfaction.
This all started at the age of 14 or so, i was at school on the top floor a 6 story building we had which contained the library on the first floor and the rest were classrooms for all of the science lessons in the school. I always had a fear of heights but being up this high was nothing new for me and i felt absolutely fine unless i looked out the window and directly down. In most buildings it was fine, it was only really in certain places such as roller coasters or ladders. It was approaching the end of the lesson and i was looking forward to being able to go for a cigarette (yes i was one of those kids). My back was to the window due to the desk placement and i remember feeling a sort of pulling sensation and sort of associated / imagined it as me being sucked out of the window, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable. A few seconds after this feeling i got hit by an extremely strong sense of what can best be described as a sensation of weightlessness, although i imagine it's just how i perceive vertigo. I slammed my entire body forward so i was flat on my desk and held on for dear life. Having no idea what was going on, after a few seconds of this i simply walked out of my lesson and went straight home.
These sensations of weightlessness stuck with me. I got them on the bus every single time. I would imagine (and yes i am aware how ridiculous this sounds) the planet "losing" it's gravity, and the bus just floating off into the sky. How i knew or, at the time thought i knew, i was going to suffer a very delayed death as myself and everybody else on the planet floated out of the atmosphere into space where we would die of asphyxiation. I've since read that if it were possible for the planet to lose it's gravitational pull, the atmosphere would also disperse meaning death would come much quicker, but i'm unsure of how comforting that really is!
Anyway, these sensations became more and more frequent, in big open areas, if i was embarrassed with my friends, if i was put under the spotlight at any time (even when i started to tell a joke, if i realised everybody was listening i would panic, hah) etc. I quickly dropped out of school but continued to go out around my town with friends for a while after. However i slowly became less and less outgoing, being completely unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings put massive strains on my home life with my parent too. I eventually became completely housebound but i still didn't know why. I just knew i felt unwell when i went out.
A couple years forward i had my first serious panic attack, i went to A&E and they gave me a dose of diazepam which sorted me right out. I had another A&E visit a few weeks later and got into contact with a psychologist who diagnosed me with my anxiety disorders. Put me on sertraline at the smallest dose of 50mg of which i insisted because at that time i was in such a state i was absolutely convinced i would die from taking the pills. Skip forward a few years again, i'm here in supported housing after having an emotional breakdown and getting kicked out of my parent' house with my daily severe anxiety. I'm trying to self-teach a programming language which is what i wanted to go to college/uni to do before all this happened, working on improving my diet and exercise although cardio is an absolute no-go, anything that get's my heart rate up is going to kill me. At least according to my brain. Also upping my medication. On 150mg of Sertraline a day and if (when) that proves to have no significant effect will look into other medications.
Thanks for reading.
So, felt like sharing what I've been living with the past few years. I have been diagnosed with exactly what is in the title. I am completely housebound because of this and have been for a frustrating amount of time. My usual day, as far as anxiety goes, is as follows:
Wake up feeling good most of the time, comfortable in my apartment and happy to sit on the computer listening to music/reading/etc.
Have physical symptom of some kind at some point during the day. These can vary hugely as can how I react to them. A pain in my leg could be a pain in my leg or a burst artery, for example.
Dwell on this physical symptom, become very upset and uncomfortable.
Sometimes have more symptoms reveal themselves, sometimes won't.
99 if not 100% of the time associate pain/sensation/feeling to a heart problem.
Sit in extremely anxious state for hours shaking, battling my breathing, convincing myself that I'm perfectly healthy, the cleaning product i just used hasn't realised poisonous gas or the apple i ate didn't contain some form of flesh eating disease (Yes i honestly believe these things when i'm in this state)
Possibly having a full blown panic attack, although usually i just remain in a VERY high anxiety state, not quite panic attack though (although i only say that because it lasts for hours and hours, it's still nearly as intense as one).
Take diazepam if i need to/really don't care for sitting through a period of extreme anxiety on that day. (This translated to taking diazepam roughly 3-4 times per month)
Eventually go to bed.
Wake up feeling good.
And thus the cycle repeats. Chuck in some extreme depression occasionally (including but not limited to thoughts about my absolute lack of social and sex life, money, people to just talk to, motivation to even clean my place or cook food, my physical appearance, my worth to society, my future etc etc etc) for good measure. That's my day to day. I leave my apartment maybe once a week for, at best, 2 hours and that is to see my nan (in her house). I'm 21 years old, she doesn't do much for me in terms of social satisfaction.
This all started at the age of 14 or so, i was at school on the top floor a 6 story building we had which contained the library on the first floor and the rest were classrooms for all of the science lessons in the school. I always had a fear of heights but being up this high was nothing new for me and i felt absolutely fine unless i looked out the window and directly down. In most buildings it was fine, it was only really in certain places such as roller coasters or ladders. It was approaching the end of the lesson and i was looking forward to being able to go for a cigarette (yes i was one of those kids). My back was to the window due to the desk placement and i remember feeling a sort of pulling sensation and sort of associated / imagined it as me being sucked out of the window, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable. A few seconds after this feeling i got hit by an extremely strong sense of what can best be described as a sensation of weightlessness, although i imagine it's just how i perceive vertigo. I slammed my entire body forward so i was flat on my desk and held on for dear life. Having no idea what was going on, after a few seconds of this i simply walked out of my lesson and went straight home.
These sensations of weightlessness stuck with me. I got them on the bus every single time. I would imagine (and yes i am aware how ridiculous this sounds) the planet "losing" it's gravity, and the bus just floating off into the sky. How i knew or, at the time thought i knew, i was going to suffer a very delayed death as myself and everybody else on the planet floated out of the atmosphere into space where we would die of asphyxiation. I've since read that if it were possible for the planet to lose it's gravitational pull, the atmosphere would also disperse meaning death would come much quicker, but i'm unsure of how comforting that really is!
Anyway, these sensations became more and more frequent, in big open areas, if i was embarrassed with my friends, if i was put under the spotlight at any time (even when i started to tell a joke, if i realised everybody was listening i would panic, hah) etc. I quickly dropped out of school but continued to go out around my town with friends for a while after. However i slowly became less and less outgoing, being completely unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings put massive strains on my home life with my parent too. I eventually became completely housebound but i still didn't know why. I just knew i felt unwell when i went out.
A couple years forward i had my first serious panic attack, i went to A&E and they gave me a dose of diazepam which sorted me right out. I had another A&E visit a few weeks later and got into contact with a psychologist who diagnosed me with my anxiety disorders. Put me on sertraline at the smallest dose of 50mg of which i insisted because at that time i was in such a state i was absolutely convinced i would die from taking the pills. Skip forward a few years again, i'm here in supported housing after having an emotional breakdown and getting kicked out of my parent' house with my daily severe anxiety. I'm trying to self-teach a programming language which is what i wanted to go to college/uni to do before all this happened, working on improving my diet and exercise although cardio is an absolute no-go, anything that get's my heart rate up is going to kill me. At least according to my brain. Also upping my medication. On 150mg of Sertraline a day and if (when) that proves to have no significant effect will look into other medications.
Thanks for reading.