Anxious Abi
06-15-2013, 05:35 PM
I probably shouldn't write about every obsessive and anxiety provoking thought I have on a forum, yet for some reason I feel comfortable enough to do so. I suppose part of me feels other people's perspectives stops my thoughts from twisting into something beyond mental, and somehow validates what I am going through.
I was a little anxious this morning, but managed to bring myself out of it with a little calming advice. I spent some time concentrating on some sketches I've been working on, singing along to some of my favorite songs, and basking in the sun with my cats, things seemed to be picking up.
Then this afternoon I got the strange dancing stars that I get around my vision and ever since I have felt, off, really sensitive and over thinking, couldn't seem to gain control of my thoughts for a while.
Over the past few weeks I've started getting a little obsessive about one thing in particular, the notion that I am manipulating myself and other people without even considering that I am doing it.
I'm not sure why I think I'm manipulating people, not enough to clearly articulate it anyway. I feel like everything I say may only be slightly true, I question myself all the time; "Is that actually true or am I just saying it because I think it will get the reaction I want? Am I convincing myself it is true?"
I read posts about peoples experiences with Anxiety and my reaction is, wow that is exactly what I am going through, for a fleeting moment I am relieved to have some kind of understanding, then the doubt, am I just adopting what this person is going through and molding it to my self in some way? Trying to connect with anyone I can.
It's like my mind tries to undermine everything I think, feel or experience, i'm constantly questioning my own motives. I'm so tired of myself, not sure how to tell what is real and what is the effect of anxiety sometimes. I am constantly analyzing everything I think, say or do. Looking for mistakes, improvements that need to be made, and end up getting lost in all the negative. I feel like I might never be able to function properly in the long term, there's just so much bullshit exploding out of my mind. I feel like I've trapped myself, like i'm in a constant state of defense. I have this relentless need to understand why I am the way I am, perhaps it's all down to my crippling low self esteem, I just don't believe in my own perception any more. I get frustrated with myself when I can't seem to solve my problems neatly with a swift conclusion and a clear outcome. Why can't it be like a Math problem? Simple, focused, straight forward. I'm sure the human mind hasn't always been this messy.
The task of unraveling all of it is my own, only I can do it, tomorrow is another day, all I can do is keep trying, maybe stop striving to understand why I am the way I am, and try to find the person I want to be.
I should probably buy a Journal to pour my thoughts into.
Abigail.
I was a little anxious this morning, but managed to bring myself out of it with a little calming advice. I spent some time concentrating on some sketches I've been working on, singing along to some of my favorite songs, and basking in the sun with my cats, things seemed to be picking up.
Then this afternoon I got the strange dancing stars that I get around my vision and ever since I have felt, off, really sensitive and over thinking, couldn't seem to gain control of my thoughts for a while.
Over the past few weeks I've started getting a little obsessive about one thing in particular, the notion that I am manipulating myself and other people without even considering that I am doing it.
I'm not sure why I think I'm manipulating people, not enough to clearly articulate it anyway. I feel like everything I say may only be slightly true, I question myself all the time; "Is that actually true or am I just saying it because I think it will get the reaction I want? Am I convincing myself it is true?"
I read posts about peoples experiences with Anxiety and my reaction is, wow that is exactly what I am going through, for a fleeting moment I am relieved to have some kind of understanding, then the doubt, am I just adopting what this person is going through and molding it to my self in some way? Trying to connect with anyone I can.
It's like my mind tries to undermine everything I think, feel or experience, i'm constantly questioning my own motives. I'm so tired of myself, not sure how to tell what is real and what is the effect of anxiety sometimes. I am constantly analyzing everything I think, say or do. Looking for mistakes, improvements that need to be made, and end up getting lost in all the negative. I feel like I might never be able to function properly in the long term, there's just so much bullshit exploding out of my mind. I feel like I've trapped myself, like i'm in a constant state of defense. I have this relentless need to understand why I am the way I am, perhaps it's all down to my crippling low self esteem, I just don't believe in my own perception any more. I get frustrated with myself when I can't seem to solve my problems neatly with a swift conclusion and a clear outcome. Why can't it be like a Math problem? Simple, focused, straight forward. I'm sure the human mind hasn't always been this messy.
The task of unraveling all of it is my own, only I can do it, tomorrow is another day, all I can do is keep trying, maybe stop striving to understand why I am the way I am, and try to find the person I want to be.
I should probably buy a Journal to pour my thoughts into.
Abigail.