MetalMan
06-15-2013, 01:41 PM
I've slowly started my path to my recovery of my agoraphobia and am feeling pretty good about that. I have even started doing this thing where I won't let myself experience any sexual pleasure if I don't go out at least once every day. As a young male overflowing with testosterone, it seems to be one hell of a motivator. I went out today, and had almost no anxiety. It felt amazing. Like I got to see a glimmer of light. My concern is this though: Will getting better ultimately change who I am? I don't mean for the better. I think that's obvious enough on it's own. I was concerned about something else. Let me give you an example of what I meant. Ya see, I'm a really friendly and outgoing guy, but I'm also a musician, and as such, I write lyrics as well as music. Metal is favorite kind of music. All time favorite. I have a very dark mind. Not evil, just dark. I like to write about good feelings too, but sometimes negative emotions are the ones that just feel more intense and more visceral. I write about injustice, uncertainty, damage to the ecosystem, mistrust in leadership, sometimes the paranormal and mythical. Idk, I just don't wanna lose my metal edge. That's all I'm worried about I guess. On top of that, father's day is coming up tomorrow, and I don't even plan on calling my dad. When I was little, he tricked me into watching this horror film, and I remember being tricked and exposed to this horrible thing more than once. I think that this childhood phobia that I still possess has a lot to do with why I have agoraphobia right now... I mean, I plan on exposing myself to this film, as I already have slowly and gently started to do, but of course I'm still hurt. I feel angry and betrayed. I don't want to hate my father, because resentment just leads to more anxiety in the long run, but at the same time, even after this is over, I'm not so sure I want us to be friends. Maybe just acquaintances. I don't think that there's anything wrong with that, right? I want to get better and be rid of this, but I also want to retain my free will. Do you guys understand what I mean? What are your thoughts?