Egglish
06-14-2013, 03:36 AM
So, I don't have a social phobia diagnosis but I have a seriously hard time with anxiety and social situations/getting to know people. I'm really beginning to settle into the "knowledge" that I'll be spending the rest of my life as a single person because I can't get close to anyone, thanks to a predictable cycle of anxiety/attachment issues that crop up every single time I try. If I can manage to speak to someone often enough, it isn't relaxed or natural enough to feel that I'm making a "real" connection. It's frustrating when I seriously like someone (friend or otherwise) and would like to be close, but can't manage to "be myself." In such cases, I feel as if they like hanging out but they don't ever really know the "real me." If I try to divulge or open up about things that "normal" people would talk about after knowing someone for a little while (for example, they ask me something directly that I don't feel comfortable talking about/ they have talked about personal things already themselves and it now feels like the expected time for me to do the same) it is extremely forced, awkward, and I spend a long long long time shaming myself for "ruining" everything or otherwise making a fool of myself. This can go on for a period of months, at which point I most likely feel like I can "open up" just enough to tell them that I'm freaking out for no reason- which I then start to obsess about because I now realize I've made myself sound crazy, and begin to be convinced that the whole relationship is officially on a decline because of my actions. At which point I begin to notice that they're weirded out, and I begin to wonder if they ever really even liked me that much in the first place.
This big, disgusting mess doesn't always end here. I still have a couple of friends who weathered my absolutely ridiculous pattern of relationship anxiety until it was over. Then I feel the need to spend almost the remaining entirely of our friendship years proving that what they just witnessed wasn't the "real me" and I'm so over it now. "Trust me, I'm actually a lot cooler than you probably thought for the past couple of years," is what I feel like saying at that point.
It is just a. big. disaster. I try so many different methods to avoid it, and nothing works. If I can stick it out with someone, I often have a long-term "friend" with whom I am always ashamed or otherwise officially and forever emotionally distant (but at least these distant varieties are more fun friendships). I daydream about the idea of a committed, open and caring relationship with somebody, but who am I really kidding? It is obvious at this point that I'll be single for the rest of my life (or should at least stop trying and putting myself and others through all of this), unless something unforeseen can change this issue for me.
So, anybody else out there expect to live life as Eleanor Rigby? Any thoughts or explanations for your situation with probably being alone forever?
I'm actually not even upset about it anymore. It does make me sad because a happy family is a dream of mine that I probably need to give up. But I know people can live happy lives and be spinsters/bachelors.
As a side note, I don't like how limiting this is when it comes to kids. I go back and forth about whether I should ever reproduce anyway, but if I do I almost certainly know it would have to involve a dead beat one night stand father, or ideally I'll be so rich one day that some adoption agency won't mind that I'm single.
This big, disgusting mess doesn't always end here. I still have a couple of friends who weathered my absolutely ridiculous pattern of relationship anxiety until it was over. Then I feel the need to spend almost the remaining entirely of our friendship years proving that what they just witnessed wasn't the "real me" and I'm so over it now. "Trust me, I'm actually a lot cooler than you probably thought for the past couple of years," is what I feel like saying at that point.
It is just a. big. disaster. I try so many different methods to avoid it, and nothing works. If I can stick it out with someone, I often have a long-term "friend" with whom I am always ashamed or otherwise officially and forever emotionally distant (but at least these distant varieties are more fun friendships). I daydream about the idea of a committed, open and caring relationship with somebody, but who am I really kidding? It is obvious at this point that I'll be single for the rest of my life (or should at least stop trying and putting myself and others through all of this), unless something unforeseen can change this issue for me.
So, anybody else out there expect to live life as Eleanor Rigby? Any thoughts or explanations for your situation with probably being alone forever?
I'm actually not even upset about it anymore. It does make me sad because a happy family is a dream of mine that I probably need to give up. But I know people can live happy lives and be spinsters/bachelors.
As a side note, I don't like how limiting this is when it comes to kids. I go back and forth about whether I should ever reproduce anyway, but if I do I almost certainly know it would have to involve a dead beat one night stand father, or ideally I'll be so rich one day that some adoption agency won't mind that I'm single.