Obsessive self-diagnosing, would like someone to talk to

[Egglish]

Hi, I'm brand new here. I don't know if anybody is online. I never really get a chance to get online except at night while my roommate is asleep and I can borrow his computer. So I might only ever be around when everyone else is asleep.

A friend of mine posted on facebook that she has breast cancer. She's someone who I relate to, look up to, and is just a little older than I am. I immediately got obsessed with looking up lung cancer because I have had a really difficult time recently with excessive yawning. What I've found out about excessive yawning is that it's most commonly an anxiety symptom, even though it can be physiological. I've had this trouble since a relatively early age, and combined with my PTSD and other anxiety symptoms, it just seems obvious. I have a hard time letting health concerns like cancer go. I start thinking about all of my little moles (my whole family is pretty mole-y), or the weight gain of the past month or so (a friend of a friend once found a basketball-sized tumor in her stomach) and how I can't really afford to get a lot of medical tests. I've actually gone into a bit of medical debt in the recent past, trying to determine whether I had lupus. The symptoms were valid (although some, such as fatigue, could have easily been imagined). Turned out to be nothing but a harmless skin disease with no treatment needs, and cost a lot of money. Definitely don't want to go into debt checking for heart disease, cancer and who knows what else because I have "shortness of breath" symptoms that are probably anxiety.

My guess as to what has caused the anxiety tonight? Not totally sure but possibly the presence of beer. I drink often with my roommate, but it has almost always been as a coping technique to deal with anxiety that pops up when he is going to be drinking anyway. I almost can't stand it, unless I am drunk also and therefore can't notice the change in his behavior. He used to say very rude things when drunk. Could have something to do with my anxiety about it. Now he's moderately less rude, and it definitely doesn't bother me if I get drunk along with him. I also had an abusive and awful parent who had lifelong substance problems. (I'm basically just typing a lot at this point to give me something better to do than look up diseases.)

So, I convinced myself to let the cancer idea go for now, but wasn't satisfied and started looking up free online anxiety screening test sites. Back of my mind- I knew it wouldn't do any good whatsoever. Now, instead of cancer (let's not rule that out until we know for sure... right...sigh) I have OCD, PTSD, GAD, agoraphobia, and "possible" bipolar symptoms. The PTSD one has been a given for a while (as strongly affirmed by a few therapists although I'm afraid of getting a "real" diagnosis on file... god I realize how nuts that probably sounds), and I've been making pretty good progress recently actually. The high number of OCD questions which apply to me (I'm pretty sure these were legitimate questions because I recognized ALL of the PTSD ones as legitimate hah) came as a surprise though. I guess that's bothering/stressing me out now.

And finally, I ended up here. Hoping someone might talk to me. Not an emergency, but one of those nights eh?

[Enduronman]

Hey Newbie,

You're definately interesting. What have you done to try to get these things under some sort of control besides therapy? What kind of medications have you tried so far and how long has this been evolving?

I would like to know what your personality type is too. No, it isn't hogwash. It has a very useful purpose to you and to some others that can understand all the words together as presented. I'll post a link. Take the test, read the information and see if that sounds like (you)..

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

E-Man..

[Egglish]

Okay! I'm glad to have someone to interact with right now. :) Before I start that linked test, thanks for saying that I'm interesting. And I have tried no prescriptions at all, just some mindfulness techniques and mostly self-help that seems pretty made-up-on-the-fly. My overlying approach is just to keep looking for little ways to improve my day-to-day feelings. I have been getting through my days with better and better emotional success all the time, as long as I keep searching. For me, the most absolutely upsetting thing has always been the overwhelming "knowledge" of hopelessness in my situation. That one leads me to a place that's really hard to crawl up out of, as you might really well know yourself. As long as I try to keep myself out of that place, I seem to have success. Always looking for a solution seems to bolster my "hope" that things will get better, which in itself is a partial cure for me. None of this probably makes clear sense... I honestly should have just stopped at "I have no honest idea what my strategy is, but something has been working decently well for at least several months now."

I've had OCD-style anxiety problems since early childhood (I remember the intense effort it took to get a throat-clearing compulsive "tic" under control in first grade), among several other anxiety issues for most of my life. The most prominent PTSD began almost ten years ago now. I sought no treatment and recognized no serious problem (although I did have a serious problem-several) until 2009-2010, when the issue forced me to drop out of college, lose most of my long-term friendships, and basically lose my mind. I've been working my way back up that "hill" ever since, but basically done it on my own while feeling around in the dark.

[Egglish]

INTP
Introvert(33%) iNtuitive(62%) Thinking(1%) Perceiving(33)%
You have moderate preference of Introversion over Extraversion (33%)
You have distinctive preference of Intuition over Sensing (62%)
You have marginal or no preference of Thinking over Feeling (1%)
You have moderate preference of Perceiving over Judging (33%)

The Thinking/Feeling questions were tough because when my PTSD symptoms were mainly about dissociation, I had no emotions. It's only been in the past four or five years that I've dealt with emotions, and very intense ones at that. It must be part of my "new" personality, but I still don't consider myself to be essentially "emotional." I was pretty logical while growing up. Honest answers to those questions- do I make decisions based on emotions?- for right now have to show high impact of emotions on my thinking and living.

[Enduronman]

You're exactly what my GF is...grrr...She worries, frets, stresses, about the fear of failure. Although, she's never really failed at anything. Drives me up the wall!!

I'm going to have to get some more coffee to figure this one out.

Basically, Intuition, Thinking, Perceiving means that you are into "facts" to base your decisions..hence=searching for information on line (self-diagnosing)...

It tells us why you're doing, what you're doing. Get it?

E-Man.

[Egglish]

I get it, but I might disagree about that a little bit. Does it explain the reason why I do what I do, or just lay out the details of what I do?
You must have recognized me, if I'm like your girlfriend :) I definitely catch hints of people I know in strangers sometimes and get excited, thinking, "I bet I know exactly how you work!" Haha.

[kelliesean]

I get it, but I might disagree about that a little bit. Does it explain the reason why I do what I do, or just lay out the details of what I do?
You must have recognized me, if I'm like your girlfriend :) I definitely catch hints of people I know in strangers sometimes and get excited, thinking, "I bet I know exactly how you work!" Haha.

Egglish :-).. I understand the desire and need to understand why it is we are overcome and many times crippled by these obsessions and compulsions... It is just recently that mental disorders are more socially acceptable and recognized. I know when I was a kid no one "had" anxiety disorders ;) (I'm 35).. And especially since mental disorders are "invisible".. You can't SEE a cut, or a wound.. So, being who are here.. Why not obsess with a why? Lol
The "why" is listed everywhere here.. And if you go to therapy/psychiatrist.. It is AMAZING how much help a really good dr can provide.. They will explain allllll the "proteins.. Enzymes.. Neuro transmitters.." Etc and as to why you are suffering the way you are. Then maybe you can put that to rest and get on with healing :)))))

[MindPieces]

I've had the obsessive self-diagnosing issue in the past, and when I finally saw a therapist about it she diagnosed me with OCD.

When I hear OCD, I always think of people washing their hands 100 times or touching doorknobs. That's not the only way it manifests. If you find yourself obsessively worrying about things (like health issues), and then you have to do something to relieve that worry (like Google them) that's OCD.

That could very well be what you're dealing with. Now I just wish I knew how to fix it!

[Egglish]

Thanks MindPieces. After I took that quiz that I mentioned (with the OCD traits spelled out) I've tried to accept the possibility that it might be something I'm dealing with. What is yours like, if you don't mind me asking?

[MindPieces]

My OCD manifests as obsessive worrying. The topic I'm worrying about changes depending on my situation, but the obsession is the same. Lately it's a worry that my partner is cheating on me. A couple years ago it was worry that I had a health issue, followed by a ton of self-diagnosing and doctor's visits.

I'd recommend looking back at your life and asking yourself if this obsessive worrying has always plagued you. I even remember it in my childhood.