Familiar Ruts

[Duckwagon]

Hey all,

I thought It'd be nice to expand my support group a little.

Before I start complaining, I do want to make it clear. I love my life, and there are some amazing aspects of my life I can only thank God for. (I'm active in my church.) I have a wonderful group of support involving family, friends, and my bishop (congregational leader) as well as the occasional professional. I have many talents and gifts and opportunities which, if hard for me to acknowledge or accept as part of my emotional 'identity', have given me much joy in sharing. I have a few places in my life that are, if inexplicably, functional and fulfilling. I have a great job which I enjoy and excel at, and I love to sing and have many opportunities to do so.

While I love my life, the people in it, and many aspects of it, I am struggling beyond what I have ever experienced. I have some severe depression, anxiety, and similar issues. This has led to a vicious cycle of helplessness and functional paralysis, addiction, and hopelessness. The support I have at times is nothing more than the kind where they leave you alone because it's too taxing to confront you about your problems and misbehavior.

Anyway... enough rambling.

I'm just tired, and frustrated, and angry. I want things to change, but I feel like I'm doing all I can to change my life but I'm getting nothing in return. Vague. Um... I live at home, moving out or getting another job so I can move out completely overwhelms me with hopelessness and anxiety. Single, lonely, and lots of opportunities, but no confidence to try. Well, I have the confidence. I know I can do it. I just don't like myself, and the same walls that keep me from getting better keep me from trying. I want to go to college but I've bombed twice, I can't, I need to be sure I can succeed in the first place before I screw up my future trying.

I want to improve my work situation, but same ol' on getting a job in the first place (I was forced, thankfully, for this one). Moving forward where I am requires I face directly these stupid social anxieties, and actually talk to people (le gasp!).

So in short, I'm overwhelmed, I feel like I have too many options, and none of them helpful ones. I feel like the issues I deal with are too big to define, let alone face head on, let alone by myself. I've tried everything, I feel like. I feel like I've lost any try. I mean, I have long term try - I'm not about to give up - but I'm just not capable of trying anything new. So I'll argue with people, and I just look belligerent and like I'm not even trying. Well, I guess I'm not trying to get better, but it doesn't mean I'm not struggling to get better.

Obviously, living at home and contributing little to nothing causes some relational issues, and it's hard to get support from some people if I can get someone to acknowledge that I'm struggling in the first place. That I'm not stupid, lazy, of 'low moral fiber' or just plain dishonest and despicable and disgusting that I live the way I do.

Does any of that make sense? I have enough emotional sensitivity to understand that there's a difference between what I think and what I feel. I'm not stupid. That gap is a big part of my problem.

I just want a way to find that elusive hope, or try, or whatever that ridiculous switch is that suddenly makes me capable and functional and clear-headed and driven. I've got the 'grit', I just don't have the 'hustle'. The hard part isn't knowing I can't do it; it's knowing I can but feeling and finding that I can't no matter how hard I try, what I try, who I enlist, or even how hard I pray. It's not actually thinking I am worthless, it's knowing I am of immeasurable worth, and being unable to feel it for myself, or find evidence of it in the real world.

...anway, I'm good now. I just needed a good rant.

Thanks.

[Duckwagon]

I guess as specific question:

In recent confrontation, my brother expressed his 'concern'. Some words were exchanged, words neither of us meant. He's very codependent now (Ooh! Fancy word!) and convinced that change is a one-time, easy decision for the truly 'strong of will'. That's not really the question, though. It's not something I can change about him. I just have to change my own way, keep it between me and God where it belongs.

As I expressed to him (rather angrily, so I can see how it didn't get through) I'm struggling deeply. So deeply, in fact, that if it weren't for this cursed tenacity God's blessed me with, or the fact that it goes against everything I believe, and it is never a solution, will only hurt everyone in my life including me; if it weren't for all of that, I would probably have ended my life. I've been that deep. I've never been tempted, never will be, but I've had the thoughts.

His response? "So why don't you?"
That hurt. I love him, he loves me. We're brothers. I've always looked up to him. I just can't digest that he'd say something like that. Even in the context that my life and choices are hurting our parents... It's just not right.

That make sense? How can I make sense of this?

[mid]

I have a couple of things for you to try to help you see that you've followed your thought process to the "hidden" feelings. You've effectively given your trigger, your feelings, and the reaction to this situation.

You are not alone. You are your best friend. I have a child (adult) living at home who is just learning about anxiety and depression. Jobless, living at home, ..., and wants to move, do other things..., so we are taking it one step at a time.

Where death is involved, it becomes tricky in conversation, because it is all rolled up with other situations. So, his question raised the issue of "why?" which pushes the conversation in a different direction. Your immediate reaction of hurt shows that you wanted some type of reaction other than the one you received. So, look at different ways you could answer this question, and then put it away for a while.

Concern is often shared in ways that seem negative, however, if you remember that their experience with depression is limited to what they are aware of, you can take the step back, and move on from their view, by changing your view of it. You are not responsible to change his view, just be accepting of who you are, and move on.

You are not alone in this.

Best wishes.