Do i go or do i stay????

[em1]

I've had Extremely bad Anxiety attacks over the last two weeks,brought on my a crazy thought in my head that I'm going to harm my kids and go to prison,(my kids are my life and I don't know where in the world this thought has come from but it's made me freak out and so ill,I've not had much to eat in two weeks and have lost a stone,which don't get me wrong in normal terms would be fantasic lol tho not like this,I'm on Meds and have only been on them for 9 days,I know they are going to take a while to kick in,
Anyway I've planned a girls weekend away this Friday untill Sunday,it's all payed for,everyone wants me to go but the guilt is killing me as I've had these thoughts in my head and don't think I Deserve to go,everyone is saying I should and that I don't have anytime for myself and have allways looked after my husband and kids and now it's my time and it may help me relax
I just don't know what to do???

[Anxious Abi]

Hey em1, I have seen you mention these thoughts about harming your children before and I just wondered if maybe there was some kind of trigger that started these worries, or if they just came out of nowhere?
It is extremely hard for me to talk about and it may not be at all relevant to what you're going through or help at all, but hopefully it helps provide a little reassurance, here goes...
Just under two years ago, my family found out that my niece had been sexually abused by her next door neighbor. For me this was a huge trauma, I already suffered from anxiety and depression, and being there when my three year old niece spoke about what happened to her completely wrecked me.
As the weeks went on, the police investigation, the medical examinations, I found at night I couldn't get it out of my mind, I found myself thinking about what she had been through, I would lay awake all night fighting with myself to think about something else. Before long it started to get worse, every time I saw a child my mind immediately started thinking about it, I would look at children with their Dad's and automatically start to think about abuse.
Everywhere I looked it just seemed to remind me of what had happened, I started to worry that I was thinking about these kind of things because I myself actually wanted to think about it, I was constantly on the verge of asking myself if I was some kind of Pedophile, why else would I get these disturbing images, why else would I see it everywhere? I was driving myself insane thinking I was a terrible person, it felt like I was questioning my whole character.
I spoke to my Dr at the time about these thoughts, and she made me realize a few simple things. The thoughts I am having, how do they make me feel? Disgusting, thinking about what happened to my niece breaks my heart, it is not something I enjoy. I know I would end my life before I ever hurt a child, the more I realized that it was the trauma and anxiety that was affecting me, in a way I still don't understand, the less I felt so disturbed by what was happening, the less I actually started to think about it.
It is obvious that you love your children, you don't actually want to hurt them. Anxiety affects us in really strange ways that seem to make no sense, but you do deserve to have a girls weekend, these thoughts don't make you a bad person, or a bad mum. Enjoy yourself.
Sorry if this doesn't help..
Abi

[em1]

Thank you for sharing such a Disturbing and upsetting story thats a very upsetting thing,god no I would die fort baby's they are my everything and I am the most Luckiest person in the world to have them both,I think for me I no longer get scared that I'm going to die and that does not fuel my Panic attacks as my thoughts are now if it's my time it's my time and I think because of that my mind has had to give me something else so the panic can still be in my life so it's picked the worst thing and my most Precious thing that I have on this earth and that's my baby's

[Anxious Abi]

It is strange how just as we seem to come to terms with one aspect of our illness, something else comes up, it is almost like our minds need something to be anxious and panic about.
I hope you decide to go on your girls weekend, you shouldn't worry that what you're going through makes you less deserving of a break.