chickenlimbo
06-10-2013, 03:14 PM
Hi, I usually wait to post new threads when I'm new at a forum but I really need some input asap. This is incredibly long but it all spilled out in exactly this form. If you make it through, thanks. If not, I understand and thanks anyway.
I'm going to include a
*** trigger warning***
because these are things that fill me with intense anxiety and I don't want to disturb anyone with this.
I'm not sure if this related to another disorder I've overlooked but to my limited knowledge, I can only classify it as anxiety. Every now and then, I'll go through little phases of intense obsession which last anywhere from one to three months, sometimes longer. I'm always too embarrassed to tell anyone so I suffer alone. Here are my most memorable ones to provide an example:
- When i was about 5 and had just found out about death, my mom told me we would go to heaven when we died but it was more likely that Jesus would come back (child-friendly language for Christ's second coming) before any of us died and it disturbed and scared me. I asked if there would be orange juice in heaven and she told me we wouldn't even need to drink anything in heaven and I seriously kind of freaked out. I remember watching Oprah with her and wondering if there was a way to not exist anymore so i wouldn't have to die or go to heaven or hell. Weird-looking clouds, loud noises, and even colorful sunsets filled me with terror that Jesus was going to come back. I was convinced an oscillating fan in my room had angel voices in it. I was also very conflicted because I was a Christian and felt these things should excite me, not terrify me.
This recurred at least five times for about three months each on average throughout childhood. Eventually I would just stop caring but I always had my eye on funny clouds and weird weather. One time a dust storm blew in from the east while I was out for a walk with my mom and brother and I ran all the way home (which at that point in my life was definitely the longest I'd ever run) with tears streaming out of my eyes and I had diarrhea for the rest of the night. It sort of reawakened my paranoia and sent me into another phase of terror.
- In spring 2010, I became totally convinced the earth was going to kill us. Not sure if you remember but there were a lot of major earthquakes and volcano eruptions. I completely stopped reading the news because my heart would feel like it was bursting, I was so afraid there'd be an urgent headline about the Yellowstone caldera. I remember sitting in a history class I was taking and the professor brought up an earthquake my news hiatus had prevented me from hearing about and I had a panic attack, which may have been pretty embarrassing if I hadn't become so good at hiding them but I did have to run to the bathroom to throw up. Also there was a ring around the sun one day and I felt so doomed that I didn't feel completely in contact with my body.
Now that you have these examples, you may better understand my latest one. It's been a little over a month that I'm completely obsessed with the possibility of my parents dying. I'm 26 and dead humiliated to the point where the only way I feel comfortable disclosing this is anonymously on a forum. What I think triggered it was a series of conversations my mom and I have shared about my wish to remain childfree. She's completely supportive but I know deep down it kills her. I know from the first 23 or 24 years of my life that my mom has looked forward her entire life to having grandchildren. We used to talk about it all the time back when I wanted them. But now i really don't want anything to do with being pregnant or raising kids.
Then I read something on facebook about this woman whose mom died and it made her reverse her decision not to have kids. I put myself in that position and couldn't stop thinking about it. I've gotten stuck at the finality of either decision, don't have kids and be happy or have kids to make my mom happy. I know she doesn't want me to feel this way but i can't help it.
I'm really sensitive about my dad because he's been an alcoholic since i was an infant and he's been diabetic for 10 years this August. He was also premature and has a heart problem. From 2/2009 to 1/2013, his dad, brother, and cousin/best friend have died and he's depressed but puts on too strong a front to let it show. He's been feeling he wasn't the best dad to my brother and me and he keeps bringing it up in conversations and I'm afraid maybe he knows or feels something grim about his health and wants to set things straight. He's never talked like this before and it's freaking me out. I'm also sad because a lot of times, I genuinely was afraid of him. Most of the time his drinking made him happy and mellow but once every 6 months or so, he'd snap and argue with my mom until one of them left. He would get this scary look on his face and his voice had a sneer and his entire presence had an intensity and rage I still can't shake. My brother and I would always end up leaving the house with our mom so it felt like 3 vs 1, and I would go into hysterics because i wanted to be there for my dad and my mom at the same time and I felt like such a failure. There was no physical abuse, just belligerent rage. Knowing what I know now about his own childhood and past, it makes complete sense and I know if I'd had this understanding back then, it wouldn't have scared me, but I just didn't understand it at the time and it really felt like our house was no longer a part of the rational world.
He's changed so much though. He still drinks but has cut back and doesn't get mean anymore. At worst, he'll cry about his dad, brother, and cousin. He and my mom are still together and very healthy (from what I know) and happy. Looking at the four of us, you would never guess there was so much pain in our past. I adore my family, past and all.
I'm so afraid of them dying that sometimes I just wish I could stay with them all the time. I feel like once they're gone, I'll regret not spending more time with them even though i already spend time with them as it is. I know that's irrational because spending nonstop time with someone only works in theory. People do have to spend time apart to have healthy relationships.
What makes this even more difficult is they annoy me sometimes! Which is healthy, I know, but fills me with conflict. They each have their little habits that bug me, just like anyone else. I get annoyed when I'm there with them but the moment I leave, I feel so sad for being annoyed. As a kid I used to read Ann Landers and would occasionally see letters from widows who just wanted their husbands back and wished they wouldn't have spent so much time being annoyed with their husbands' snoring and things like that, and those letters left deep impressions on me.
I know once people are gone, they're just gone. Regardless of any beliefs re: the afterlife, no one can argue that when people die, they cease to exist in a form that's immediately accessible to the living. I don't want them to be gone like that.
I'm very depressed about it because I feel like by putting them in their graves already, I'm missing out on the time I have now to enjoy having them here and still fairly young.
It just feels like I'm fighting a constant battle between what I know is rational and what I know is irrational. While I'm completely aware I'm being irrational in a lot of ways, I can't shake it.
Thank you for your help you can give me. I've battled anxiety every minute of the day and every day of my life and I usually lose. I need help but don't know where to start.
I'm going to include a
*** trigger warning***
because these are things that fill me with intense anxiety and I don't want to disturb anyone with this.
I'm not sure if this related to another disorder I've overlooked but to my limited knowledge, I can only classify it as anxiety. Every now and then, I'll go through little phases of intense obsession which last anywhere from one to three months, sometimes longer. I'm always too embarrassed to tell anyone so I suffer alone. Here are my most memorable ones to provide an example:
- When i was about 5 and had just found out about death, my mom told me we would go to heaven when we died but it was more likely that Jesus would come back (child-friendly language for Christ's second coming) before any of us died and it disturbed and scared me. I asked if there would be orange juice in heaven and she told me we wouldn't even need to drink anything in heaven and I seriously kind of freaked out. I remember watching Oprah with her and wondering if there was a way to not exist anymore so i wouldn't have to die or go to heaven or hell. Weird-looking clouds, loud noises, and even colorful sunsets filled me with terror that Jesus was going to come back. I was convinced an oscillating fan in my room had angel voices in it. I was also very conflicted because I was a Christian and felt these things should excite me, not terrify me.
This recurred at least five times for about three months each on average throughout childhood. Eventually I would just stop caring but I always had my eye on funny clouds and weird weather. One time a dust storm blew in from the east while I was out for a walk with my mom and brother and I ran all the way home (which at that point in my life was definitely the longest I'd ever run) with tears streaming out of my eyes and I had diarrhea for the rest of the night. It sort of reawakened my paranoia and sent me into another phase of terror.
- In spring 2010, I became totally convinced the earth was going to kill us. Not sure if you remember but there were a lot of major earthquakes and volcano eruptions. I completely stopped reading the news because my heart would feel like it was bursting, I was so afraid there'd be an urgent headline about the Yellowstone caldera. I remember sitting in a history class I was taking and the professor brought up an earthquake my news hiatus had prevented me from hearing about and I had a panic attack, which may have been pretty embarrassing if I hadn't become so good at hiding them but I did have to run to the bathroom to throw up. Also there was a ring around the sun one day and I felt so doomed that I didn't feel completely in contact with my body.
Now that you have these examples, you may better understand my latest one. It's been a little over a month that I'm completely obsessed with the possibility of my parents dying. I'm 26 and dead humiliated to the point where the only way I feel comfortable disclosing this is anonymously on a forum. What I think triggered it was a series of conversations my mom and I have shared about my wish to remain childfree. She's completely supportive but I know deep down it kills her. I know from the first 23 or 24 years of my life that my mom has looked forward her entire life to having grandchildren. We used to talk about it all the time back when I wanted them. But now i really don't want anything to do with being pregnant or raising kids.
Then I read something on facebook about this woman whose mom died and it made her reverse her decision not to have kids. I put myself in that position and couldn't stop thinking about it. I've gotten stuck at the finality of either decision, don't have kids and be happy or have kids to make my mom happy. I know she doesn't want me to feel this way but i can't help it.
I'm really sensitive about my dad because he's been an alcoholic since i was an infant and he's been diabetic for 10 years this August. He was also premature and has a heart problem. From 2/2009 to 1/2013, his dad, brother, and cousin/best friend have died and he's depressed but puts on too strong a front to let it show. He's been feeling he wasn't the best dad to my brother and me and he keeps bringing it up in conversations and I'm afraid maybe he knows or feels something grim about his health and wants to set things straight. He's never talked like this before and it's freaking me out. I'm also sad because a lot of times, I genuinely was afraid of him. Most of the time his drinking made him happy and mellow but once every 6 months or so, he'd snap and argue with my mom until one of them left. He would get this scary look on his face and his voice had a sneer and his entire presence had an intensity and rage I still can't shake. My brother and I would always end up leaving the house with our mom so it felt like 3 vs 1, and I would go into hysterics because i wanted to be there for my dad and my mom at the same time and I felt like such a failure. There was no physical abuse, just belligerent rage. Knowing what I know now about his own childhood and past, it makes complete sense and I know if I'd had this understanding back then, it wouldn't have scared me, but I just didn't understand it at the time and it really felt like our house was no longer a part of the rational world.
He's changed so much though. He still drinks but has cut back and doesn't get mean anymore. At worst, he'll cry about his dad, brother, and cousin. He and my mom are still together and very healthy (from what I know) and happy. Looking at the four of us, you would never guess there was so much pain in our past. I adore my family, past and all.
I'm so afraid of them dying that sometimes I just wish I could stay with them all the time. I feel like once they're gone, I'll regret not spending more time with them even though i already spend time with them as it is. I know that's irrational because spending nonstop time with someone only works in theory. People do have to spend time apart to have healthy relationships.
What makes this even more difficult is they annoy me sometimes! Which is healthy, I know, but fills me with conflict. They each have their little habits that bug me, just like anyone else. I get annoyed when I'm there with them but the moment I leave, I feel so sad for being annoyed. As a kid I used to read Ann Landers and would occasionally see letters from widows who just wanted their husbands back and wished they wouldn't have spent so much time being annoyed with their husbands' snoring and things like that, and those letters left deep impressions on me.
I know once people are gone, they're just gone. Regardless of any beliefs re: the afterlife, no one can argue that when people die, they cease to exist in a form that's immediately accessible to the living. I don't want them to be gone like that.
I'm very depressed about it because I feel like by putting them in their graves already, I'm missing out on the time I have now to enjoy having them here and still fairly young.
It just feels like I'm fighting a constant battle between what I know is rational and what I know is irrational. While I'm completely aware I'm being irrational in a lot of ways, I can't shake it.
Thank you for your help you can give me. I've battled anxiety every minute of the day and every day of my life and I usually lose. I need help but don't know where to start.