Lui
06-09-2013, 09:15 PM
Hi everybody!:)
I was practically born with socail anxiety. Even in playgroups I would not interact with the other kids and I was just few months old. When I went to elemantery school I was already a master in finding excuses to not go to this playdate, or this group meeting. I always said I hate this and this person but it was just my anxiety that wouldn't let me talk to him/her and so I started hating people. I think it's some chemical imbalace in my brain. Plus that I have bad hormone issues(POS).
My mum was really depresisive during a great amount of my child hood. She's a choleric and has ADHD. My dad and my sister are social anxiety sufferes as well. My fam is really depressed and we all lack self esteem. But we are all really intelligent. But lack a LOT of social knowledge. My mum once told me after I started crying about my social disabilties that she thinks that she's the reason that I am lacking confidence because she used to push me in the backroud a lot when my sister was born.
So, when I was 12 years old I realized that something is "wrong" with me. I worked on me. Was accepted into my class. Was elected spoke person of my grade. Just to meinchant, I am NOT and wil NEVER be a leader! I wasn't and still am not talkactive. I am way to insecure. But people liked my funny comments and I they saw that I was really good in school adn had a lot of talents. But outside of class I was and am one of the shy people. I did not meet up with people til my sophemore year in high school. Outside of school I can't open up my mouth, people are wondering why I am not talking/smiling. I look confident from the outside. I am really tall as well. So people think I wouldn't like them.
So last year I had enough of this anxiety and I went studying abroad for a year in the US. Iam still here and right know it#s my last month. (Love that country!). Well, I ended up hanging with the Weirdos because I wouldn't be able to hold up easy conversation plus I developed healt anxiety and got tons of anxiety symptoms wat made me even more depressed. Even the weirdos(most of them shy of course) were more confident. I was not like them, did not share the same interests. I am really athletic and I always wanted to go to the basketball games, try out for this and this team and I did it on my own but always ended up no being able to talk to people.
I got rid of the health anxiety, changed host familiy once(Messi-family). My new hosts were awesome. The oppsite of shy. And they liked me! I was so confused! Up to this day I never thought any popluar person would ever like me . My host bro is like a real brother to me and my host dad is like a real dad. We joke around all the time and I am super condfident around them. I have a so so realtionship with the rest of the fam.(Host mom and host sisters) I am not really good with talking to women. Sounds weird but men talk less and joke more. I can't tell exciting stories and in big groups I can't even open up my mouth. Yep, I am boring as hell altough I am an interesting person. i do a lot of things and could tell a lot but I just can't.
I kind of think I have Avoidance Personality Disorder because I don't want people to know who I am and how I am feeling. I hate when people want to read me. I HATE it. I can't stand the thought that somebody knows about my inner thougts. Even with my real fam I am like this. It's really embearissing for me to talk about this. I always wanted to be perfect. Anyway, my host fam showed me this amazing social life. They are so much fun and don't seem to worry about any social situation. They are just living their lifes! And I want to be like this! Just hang out with friends and have interestting conversations. Just be happy. But I am an introverted and a really shy tennager right know. Gonna see a psychologist after this year and will get hormone treatment because I am so fed up with this shit.
Up to this point I don't even know if there is a cure for me and if I should give up this battle and life a quiet loner life, feeling sorry for myself. Please help me out here! What do you guys think? I would really appreciate any replies!:)
I was practically born with socail anxiety. Even in playgroups I would not interact with the other kids and I was just few months old. When I went to elemantery school I was already a master in finding excuses to not go to this playdate, or this group meeting. I always said I hate this and this person but it was just my anxiety that wouldn't let me talk to him/her and so I started hating people. I think it's some chemical imbalace in my brain. Plus that I have bad hormone issues(POS).
My mum was really depresisive during a great amount of my child hood. She's a choleric and has ADHD. My dad and my sister are social anxiety sufferes as well. My fam is really depressed and we all lack self esteem. But we are all really intelligent. But lack a LOT of social knowledge. My mum once told me after I started crying about my social disabilties that she thinks that she's the reason that I am lacking confidence because she used to push me in the backroud a lot when my sister was born.
So, when I was 12 years old I realized that something is "wrong" with me. I worked on me. Was accepted into my class. Was elected spoke person of my grade. Just to meinchant, I am NOT and wil NEVER be a leader! I wasn't and still am not talkactive. I am way to insecure. But people liked my funny comments and I they saw that I was really good in school adn had a lot of talents. But outside of class I was and am one of the shy people. I did not meet up with people til my sophemore year in high school. Outside of school I can't open up my mouth, people are wondering why I am not talking/smiling. I look confident from the outside. I am really tall as well. So people think I wouldn't like them.
So last year I had enough of this anxiety and I went studying abroad for a year in the US. Iam still here and right know it#s my last month. (Love that country!). Well, I ended up hanging with the Weirdos because I wouldn't be able to hold up easy conversation plus I developed healt anxiety and got tons of anxiety symptoms wat made me even more depressed. Even the weirdos(most of them shy of course) were more confident. I was not like them, did not share the same interests. I am really athletic and I always wanted to go to the basketball games, try out for this and this team and I did it on my own but always ended up no being able to talk to people.
I got rid of the health anxiety, changed host familiy once(Messi-family). My new hosts were awesome. The oppsite of shy. And they liked me! I was so confused! Up to this day I never thought any popluar person would ever like me . My host bro is like a real brother to me and my host dad is like a real dad. We joke around all the time and I am super condfident around them. I have a so so realtionship with the rest of the fam.(Host mom and host sisters) I am not really good with talking to women. Sounds weird but men talk less and joke more. I can't tell exciting stories and in big groups I can't even open up my mouth. Yep, I am boring as hell altough I am an interesting person. i do a lot of things and could tell a lot but I just can't.
I kind of think I have Avoidance Personality Disorder because I don't want people to know who I am and how I am feeling. I hate when people want to read me. I HATE it. I can't stand the thought that somebody knows about my inner thougts. Even with my real fam I am like this. It's really embearissing for me to talk about this. I always wanted to be perfect. Anyway, my host fam showed me this amazing social life. They are so much fun and don't seem to worry about any social situation. They are just living their lifes! And I want to be like this! Just hang out with friends and have interestting conversations. Just be happy. But I am an introverted and a really shy tennager right know. Gonna see a psychologist after this year and will get hormone treatment because I am so fed up with this shit.
Up to this point I don't even know if there is a cure for me and if I should give up this battle and life a quiet loner life, feeling sorry for myself. Please help me out here! What do you guys think? I would really appreciate any replies!:)