I need to share my story

[MorticianBlondie]

I have suffered from anxiety all of my life. I take prozac every single day and xanax as needed. Recently I attempted to move from CA to the midwest to live with my boyfriend. My family drove me. As the drive went on (three days) the realization of the miles that was soon to be between my family hit me. The last 800 miles were filled with tears. By the time I made it to my destination, I couldn't even look at my boyfriend, I already resented him. I know he didn't do anything but he was my reason to leave so I targeted all my anger and fear at him. I wouldn't unpack, I cried just saying goodbye to my family when they left for their hotel that was 15 minutes away. I have experienced plenty of panic attacks but NOTHING like what I experienced the next few nights. I would cry until I made myself sick and felt like I was literally going to lose control of myself and my mind. I was crying in my sleep and waking up with my face, hair, and pillow soaked in tears. By the time my family left, three days later, I was right in the car and headed back to CA with them. Leaving my boyfriend in the big apartment he got and furnished for US. I had an apartment, a job, a car, and the next step of building a future with my boyfriend waiting for me there and I turned right around and left because I couldn't handle living far from my family. I couldn't bear the thought of building a new life without my family right there with me. I'm sad because I let my anxiety win, I'm sad because I hurt my boyfriend, whom I love, and I'm sad that I spent the last two years of my life building up to this and then let my fears get the best of me. I needed to share my story because I need people who understand how debilitating anxiety can be. I'm looking for anyone who has a similar story and/or suggestions on steps I can do to overcome this. Any ideas, opinions, etc. are welcome. I'm just beating myself up right now.

[Judie]

I have suffered from anxiety all of my life. I take prozac every single day and xanax as needed. Recently I attempted to move from CA to the midwest to live with my boyfriend. My family drove me. As the drive went on (three days) the realization of the miles that was soon to be between my family hit me. The last 800 miles were filled with tears. By the time I made it to my destination, I couldn't even look at my boyfriend, I already resented him. I know he didn't do anything but he was my reason to leave so I targeted all my anger and fear at him. I wouldn't unpack, I cried just saying goodbye to my family when they left for their hotel that was 15 minutes away. I have experienced plenty of panic attacks but NOTHING like what I experienced the next few nights. I would cry until I made myself sick and felt like I was literally going to lose control of myself and my mind. I was crying in my sleep and waking up with my face, hair, and pillow soaked in tears. By the time my family left, three days later, I was right in the car and headed back to CA with them. Leaving my boyfriend in the big apartment he got and furnished for US. I had an apartment, a job, a car, and the next step of building a future with my boyfriend waiting for me there and I turned right around and left because I couldn't handle living far from my family. I couldn't bear the thought of building a new life without my family right there with me. I'm sad because I let my anxiety win, I'm sad because I hurt my boyfriend, whom I love, and I'm sad that I spent the last two years of my life building up to this and then let my fears get the best of me. I needed to share my story because I need people who understand how debilitating anxiety can be. I'm looking for anyone who has a similar story and/or suggestions on steps I can do to overcome this. Any ideas, opinions, etc. are welcome. I'm just beating myself up right now.

Well I am sorry to hear that. A major trigger for Anxiety is separation, so it makes sense that you struggled with this move. Often this anxiety starts after a separation caused by death. Honestly I don't think is a bad thing that you are close to your family and you want them nearby( many people are like this) it does seem to be limiting for you with your boyfriend and a potential future. Is it possible for him to move closer to you ? I think in time you could get through the anxiety if that is your only obstacle, but could it be that you simply want a life close to your family, friends and familiar surroundings ? You'll figure this out. Hang in there.

[MorticianBlondie]

My boyfriend moving closer to me and my family was always an option, but as he moved to the midwest to find a job and get settled and ready for me to finish school and get out there, he got pretty established and the offer to move out my way was never mentioned anymore. In the back of my mind, I think that played a big part of my freak out. When I was preparing for this I always had a second option, but now it was an all or nothing kind of pressure put on me and my anxiety prone self. I couldn't handle the distance between me and my family being permanent. I've had a fear of leaving my family all along, I thought that when I got there my excitement would take over, but it didn't. I just wanted to talk to some people who understand anxiety and will let me know I'm not some crazy nut job. Thanks for your insight and kind words, Judie. I really needed those :)