intense uncontrolable fear about leaving for university

[ame11iea]

I'm absolutely terrified of going to uni... and I don't mean the average person's sense of nervousness, I mean completely scared shitless. every time i think about it (which is often) a panic attack is never far behind. I suffer from an extremely agitated generalised anxiety and clinical depression and, to be honest, I'm not sure how I'm going to cope on my own, outside of my comfort zone/'safety bubble' of home, away from my parents etc.

last year I attempted uni but within a week my psychological and physical condition nose-dived to the point where I was medically advised to abandon my course and return home, which I did, and it took me about 6 months to stabilise. I'm terrified of it happening again. I want so badly for uni to work. the thought of being forced not go to uni because of my condition is unthinkable, to admit defeat to my illness for a second time. I would have no idea what to do with myself, i would have no life prospects without a degree.

If I couldn't go, I feel I'd be a worthless failure to my family, myself and everyone who knows me, so there's that added stress. I can't face the awful, sickening terror i felt back in September, followed by the shame and embarrassment of my failure, not again. I'm so scared its just going to resurface again, and that it's just lain dormant this whole time I was back in the safety of home. what if I can't live in the world independently? I'm so attached to home that I find it extremely stressful even to go on short holidays (not really the point of a holiday eh?)

at night I imagine myself asleep in my dorm room (which I've visited before already) to try and ease myself in to the idea and I feel a flood of anxiety and fear. I'm so scared it'll just be a repeat of last year. there's also the pressure of being thrown in with strange new people where you have to act up-beat and excited to have finally left your parents to seem normal; to be immediately social/cool/a party animal and not be sad and fearful and lonely; to have nowhere to run to ride the fear when the going gets tough without being seen/judged/heard crying through those paper-thin dorm walls...

I scared of what control my anxiety and depression will have on me this September, and I'm already feeling my fear rising as it gets closer. I don't know what to do :(

[DustingMyselfOff]

When you returned home after your last attendance at Uni, did you see a doctor or therapist? Were you put on any medications or do any work with a counselor? Unfortunately I don't think this is just going to "go away" by itself, and if you haven't been working on alleviating your fear and learning to accept and manage your anxiety I'm guessing you will create the same panic attacks as last time. I hate to sound discouraging but you need to be working on this . . . not just hoping it won't happen.
Sue

[ame11iea]

yes I have. I didn't put it all in one post to avoid bombarding people with info. since I've been back I've had a change in medication, now on 10mg on escitslopram. I've also been working with a therapist for about the same time, 6 months. the medication certainly helped to get me back on my feet, but I'm not sure how much the therapy has worked. it just seems that it was talking therapy that helped me get through the bad times, not actually a cure or progressive help to anything. I know a lot about cbt, breathing exercises, healthy eating, physical exercise and meditation, all of which I combine with the escitalopram to combat my condition. it works well in everyday life but I fear not so much in intensely uncomfortable situations such as this.

I'm considering asking my doctor to up my dose of escitalopram to more than what I need now so that it acts as a buffer against the higher anxiety levels that will invariably come when I move away. I've also visited Oxford (where I'm attending uni) twice, once with family and once alone, to make sure I get familiar with the new environment and feel safe. my next step is to go again and stay overnight in a b&b.

I've also alerted the uni to my past experience and my condition and they've set up a 'mentor' for me with the help of a special student loan grant called the DSA (disabled student allowance). it's basically a person that helps you to manage your student life throughout your time at uni around you condition, offers support and other things. I've also applied for accommodation on campus so I don't stress out about transport.

I'm pulling out every stop to make this work. all I fear is that it still won't be enough.

[Marlow]

I went to school my freshman year and suffered the same fate. The only difference is I didn't seek help. I was so ashamed to let it beat me I refused to give up. I failed all my classes but didnt tell my parents what was going on with me. The second semester (first on academic probation) I did alright and decided to go back to school (without telling my parents). I was super productive and got through the year with almost all A's with the expense of the following spring that brought on the worst anxiety of my life. I finally sought help and got on meds, of which I stopped taking and am back in the boat again.

Just because you had trouble doesn't mean you will always. There are millions like you and there are probably hundreds at your school going through the same thing. Get ahold of a therapist at university and talk to them, maybe go to a couple of sessions down there. Make the transition as smooth as possible. And remember the quote from boxcar race "That there is someone out there who feels just like me, there is".