not really anxiety related but still need some advice....

[ame11iea]

I've recently noticed that, even after 3 years, I still dream of the guy I first properly fell in love with. It was all smoke and mirrors though, he pretended he loved me back and lured me on just so that he could sleep with me. I think I knew in my heart of hearts what kind of guy he was from the moment it all began but I was stupid and naive and carried on regardless, focusing only on my feelings for him. I led myself head first into heart-break like a lamb to the slaughter. Stupid. Now 3 years on I'm still having upsetting dreams about this guy I can't quite let go. I'm still in love with this false image I constructed of him through rose-tinted glasses, and still apparently heart-broken that I couldn't be the girl that he would stay with.

Does anyone have any advice for me to try and make things better? It's one of my biggest regrets, and although I've now learned to recognise and avoid the same type, its blocking my current and future love-life as I can't find anyone else that matches up to the immensely strong feelings I have for this false guy. My heart is still chained up to this fake relationship and I would very much like to break that...

[NixonRulz]

I think everyone has a story or two...or three...or four like yours. No one likes rejection in any form

We have all been in a situation with someone where you tried to convince yourself they were right, although you knew, as you say, that it probably wasn't a great fit

I am much older than you and I still think about my "first love'. Fortunately for me, she turned into a train wreck so not much there to wish I had again.

But as my first love, I still have lots of good, and very vivid memories of her.

I take it that you regret the relationship because as you said, he did and said things to sleep with you. Guys can be jackasses and that doesn't go away with age.

There are always different people and things in life you will think of as mistakes

But those mistakes help you learn what you want, and more importantly, what you don't want

You are just going through the things involved with growing into an awesome adult

Don't look back at things so negatively. Look at them as learning experiences

The way you handle life's disappointments is what builds your character

And you can tell from your post that building a great character will come very easy for you

[ame11iea]

yeah... I guess everything you said is pretty much spot on. still, I wish I could let go of this idealist wishful thinking I've got going on. he never was what I thought him to be and he never will, but yet i still long for it to be so. it's so stupid. I think 3 years is quite long enough!!

[NixonRulz]

yeah... I guess everything you said is pretty much spot on. still, I wish I could let go of this idealist wishful thinking I've got going on. he never was what I thought him to be and he never will, but yet i still long for it to be so. it's so stupid. I think 3 years is quite long enough!!

Have you dated people since him?

I imagine you have.

Maybe as bad as the guy you are infatuated with was, the others were even worse?

All this goes away you know, when you meet the right guy.

Nothing else will matter once that happens.

[alankay]

I bet some day when you're least expecting a guy will come along who will make you forget all about him. Completely. :) Alankay

[ame11iea]

I've had a couple of new people but not many, and it doesn't last long. I tend to end up running for the hills as soon as anything gets even vaguely serious. I relate intimacy with vulnerability and I can't seem to actually trust anyone now that this guy has taught me to be distrusting of all men. it's a bit unfair because I know you're not all like that, but I can't seem to unlearn it.

[NixonRulz]

As pretty and well spoken as you are, he should be so lucky to have someone like yourself

If he didn't realize it and screwed it up, he will regret it sooner than later

Don't let one jackass dim your light on relationships

[jessed03]

Ah, this is kind of a nice thread. :)

First loves, huh! What great memories. Even the distasters are such precious things to look back on. Yeah, I have the odd reminiscent memory of mine. A girl named Ann-Marie. We were 17 and she looked like she was destined for New York cat walks, but had the sweetest of hearts. I was the crazy one back then, I drove her crazy I think. She has really short hair now, and put on weight. I've never seen her with a guy, only girls. I'm not saying she turned, but I can't say for sure she still goes for the guys.

Everything looks massively better looking back. You're usually younger, healthier, more optimistic. Everything is newer, and more exciting. Often it isn't so much the thing in our memories we crave, but the innocence, and the hope that we had, that we may have less of now, that really we long for. Maybe we felt more easily, and opened up more freely.

I feel really sorry for the people that end up with their first love. What the hell do they look back on and talk about after having a few too many drinks?!! :)

[ame11iea]

you're all right! too bad that nothing has changed... he still appears in my dreams [probably a prefect example Freud's theory that symbols of suppressed desire surface in dreams as a way to fulfil emotions that we do not want to face consciously!.., bit of a mouthful but bonus psychology knowledge :)].

still, I don't know what to do. I continue to have immensely strong feelings to the point where if I think about it for too long I can get upset. I am very bored of feeling this way, it's as if I have no control over it. should i talk to a professional to figure out how/why i deal with rejection/failure in my social relationships the way I do, and if there are methods to change that?... do you think would it help?

for example, whenever I see him through shared friends my physical reaction is astonishing; my heart is suddenly in my throat, my stomach is doing flips, and feelings of shame, anger and longing land like a tonne of bricks. I'll stop enjoying myself if I'm with friends, feel anxious about where he is, and won't be able to relax until I know he is gone. why is it so intense? it's not like he ever loved me back or we were in a serious relationship for years etc.. he was just some guy who was the foundation for an invented person, and even though I am consciously aware of this fact it appears my subconscious is in total denial.

[Dyinu]

Everyone has that person that always stays in your mind even when you are in a relationship.

I, too have someone that I dream about and get somewhat anxious whenever I encounter her in person. Why? because she was the first person to reject me when I asked her out.

My confidence took a dive and suddenly my shoulders dropped as if I'm a teenager again.

Heart-break is horrible at the time but with time it heals itself and you know what. I'm pretty sure not everything about the guy you were talking about are negative things. There are moments and interactions I've shared with the girl that make me smile too.

Always look on the brighter side of things. Past is past. Just don't be dragged behind because of your past. If you really like him, just work on yourself so that he will like you and chase you instead. Good luck! :)