Hello!

[Mister]

Newbie here! :ninja:

Just found this place as I was looking to read about others experiences with their anxiety & depression, read one thread on here & could totally relate to it, so thought I'd join...

Not sure how much I'm ready to share with people here about my own experiences, but I'm sure I'm gonna find plenty to read of interest to me. Strange how much comfort a person can find just by reading that others have the same feelings as yourself :goodjob:

See you all around :)

[Kel]

Hi Mister,

Welcome to the forum.

So many people suffer with anxiety & depression - you are not alone. Why some do and some don't is a bit of a mystery to me. I am always asking myself why I feel like this and other people don't.

I know what you mean about finding comfort in reading about others. I can totally relate to that.

It does some strange at first telling strangers about yourself but there is nothing to be afraid of and everyone here sympathises. Noone knows who you are anyway!

I hope that you feel better soon :-)

[Mister]

Thanks Kel :)

I'm not adverse to telling people about my feelings, I've been speaking to a psychotherapist for the last few months trying to get myself sorted out.

It wasn't just the depression or anxiety, I've lived with them for most of my life (I'm 31 now, btw), but also the knock on effects of that anxiety on my partner.

I had/have a massive problem with keepign myself in control, and would take offence & have major (unjustified) mood swings, and I just felt that I couldn't deal with everyday 'normal' life. Part of the anxiety would bring on massive paranoia attacks, which in turn made me extremely self conscious.

This was causing me problems at work (I now have a high pressure job where my work role is closely monitored by my managers, as I have a direct influence on the companies performance), where I just worried all day everyday about how I was doing, and what the managers thought of me. It's taken me months to get this under control, and although I still have the thought I can (usually) manage to reason myself out of them.. But this still takes a lot to do. My Therapist says that this will get a lot easier in time, and my mind will start automatically processing these thoughts after time.

My therapy is really helping me to understand myself, to come to terms with all the things I've been through which have caused me to be like this, and also to identify when my behaviour/thoughts are 'inappropriate' (as she calls them).

It's not easy, and I don't think my partner understands this (even though he has his own issues which affect him). I can now see where I'm doing things wrong, or my thought processes are totally messed up... but not always at the time that it's going wrong, or admittedly even afterwards until I've talked it through with the therapist.

But just because I KNOW I have problems, that doesn't mean I have to be able to change them so easily?

[Kel]

I know what you mean about the effect that your anxiety can have your loved ones. My boyfriend is very understanding but I know that it does get him down. As we live together it does have an effect on our life together. I have suffered severe anxiety whilst on several holidays with him. We were supposed to be going on holiday at the beginning of September but we haven't booked anything yet because of the way I am.
I do feel bad for him but I always try to be honest about the way I am feeling rather than just bottle it up. He can nearly always tell when I am feeling bad anyway by the way I am.
It is very difficult because as much as you know that what you are feeling is anxiety and that you are doing it to yourself it doesn't stop if affecting you.
Take care x

[Mister]

Hi again :)

It's a pretty difficult situation for me in regards to my partner, as he suffers from really bad reactive depression sometimes (well, quite a lot if I'm honest).. But has been in denial about it for most of our relationship, until just a few months ago where the situation between us got so bad, on both sides, that we very nearly split up. This made him really look at our situation, and accept that the issues that we both have contributed to the state of our relationship, whereas previously he believed that all the problems stemmed from my anxiety & messed up negative thoughts.

Things still haven't been 100% with us, but they have certainly improved.

He hasn't worked for the last 2 years, which is the length of our relationship, as along with his depression he has a number of other issues. In this time he has sometimes realised for himself that he's messed up and sought help from his GP... Only to be told that there's an 18month wait for therapists in his area ( My GP sorted me out an appointment with a psychotherapist in 5 weeks), but his GP is only located on the other side of the City from mine! I've often wondered if he's telling me the truth about this waiting list, but then I've got no reason to believe that he'd lie to me about it... Especially when I know how down he's been at points where he has actually motivated himself enough to get to the GP to talk about things.

He's tried 4 different anti-depressants, but have stopped them all after a few days (a week was the longest he stayed on one type) for various reasons... IBS being one of them, the initial negative impact on his feelings for another, and massive weight gain being the third (this was the ones he stayed on for a week, no change in eating habits or exercise, yet gained a half stone in that time :shock: ).

You know what, I feel like I'm in one of my sessions, cos I always seem to digress from talking about myself n my issues only to talk about his :roll:

Back to the point... Anxiety isn't my only problem, I have a load of issues which contribute to it, but I'm working thru them with the therapist. I have 4 sessions left n have already had 8... at the end of that, as that's the maximum I can have with her, I'm not sure what's going to happen. She did say initially that she can refer me on further if she feels that I need it... But at the same time I don't wanna need to depend on this therapy to get me thru the rest of my life... I really want to have full control over myself at some point, which is the reason I stopped taking my meds 2 weeks ago. And I really honestly (and strangely) feel much better for stopping them, because I do feel like I've taken back a part of that control.

Whether that's just something that's in my head, or actually true, I don't know... I asked my OH last night if he'd noticed a change in me over the last week n he said "no, not at all" which I was astonished at.. and he asked me what change I'd expected him to notice? We had a small chat about it, and I explained that I felt that my mind was a lot clearer now and that I thought that I had been in a better mood because of this... He said that it must all jsut be my thoughts as nothing had changed :roll:

Well, even if it is just in my head, I still feel better for it, and I guess that's the important thing :)

One of my issues is anxiety about losing control & having uncertainties in my life, due to things that happened throughout my childhood & even early adulthood... So I still think I've had some small achievement on this.

Another of my issues is fear of appearing weak (in the mind/spirit, rather than muscle size ;) ), which causes me problems when it comes to sharing with him what's going on with me, and how I'm feeling... I don't hardly talk to him about how the therapy is going, or even what stage things are at with it, unless I'm drunk... This is a massive problem for me, as how can I expect him to understand me or support me if I don;t let him know these things?

This is what I meant in that earlier post about knowing what my problems are, but still having difficulty dealing with them.

Anyways, moving on... I think it's great that you are able to talk to your OH about things, I'm kinda jealous 8) I just have a massive fear of being judged on it, like he's gonna turn round n say that it's all my fault. Stupid, I know, but I've had these thoughts since I was a kid so it's hard to turn that kind of thought process around!

How has it affected you while being away? Do you think you'll still be getting away next month? We just had a long weekend break together... I had a really bad anxiety attack just a few days previous to the break where I was really nasty and felt out of control, then another on our last full day away... I knew what was going on when it happened will away, but I jsut couldn't get control of it :(

Gads, look at the time, I have to go get ready for work... Catch you soon x

[Mister]

Wow, sorry Kel, I hadn't realised how much I was writing then, I think I jsut got caught up in it :shock: :ack: :snore:

[Kel]

Hi Mister,

From what you've said I think that you and your partner could both benefit from talking about how you feel. You could support each other on your bad days. Noone quite understands anxiety & depression like someone who has been through it. Maybe with some gentle encouragement he will open up to you. It must be hard for you having to deal with his troubles as well as your own.
I am pleased that you are feeling a bit better.

I know that I am lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend. He tells me that he's proud of me & encourages me. That's not to say he doesn't get frustrated with me. I don't always tell him about every little wobble I have. I get sick of hearing myself say it!!!

With the holiday thing I think mine is more a fear of fear. Subconsciously I think that I am afraid of having an "episode" and this triggers the anxiety. I have had this several times on holiday, last year being the worst. I started feeling ill whilst on the plane - followed by a week of being sick, no appetite, early waking, heart racing, tingling arms etc. Eventually I felt better but it really spoilt the holiday.
I think that we will go away although probably just for a week and not the 2 weeks that we would normally book.

Kepp me posted on how things are with you & I will let you know when I have booke a holiday! x

[Mister]

Morning Kel.

I've really tried to get the relationship back to a stage where we are open with each other and talk about what's going on in our respective heads, but it just makes things worse between us. This is partly down to me as I get really frustrated when he just doesn't understand what I'm telling him, but also, on the couple of occasions that I've spoken to him about things that have been said within my therapy sessions or even things that I've realised for myself, he hasn't really taken it on board, or he'll jsut respond with things like 'Well I could've told you that!'.

He's even used my therapy n things I've told him about it against me in arguments... You know, kinda like because I'm admitting to all this stuff n problems in the therapy, then I must always be the one in the wrong.... So now I don't actually want to tell him things.

Part of my problems lie in previous extremely abusive relationships, especially when I was late teens/early 20's.... I had a pretty bad childhood, spent a bit of time in foster care, and in that time I really needed to talk about what I'd gone through... Just unfortunate that I picked the bastards to tell about it, as it was just ammunition for them to use to hurt n control me.

So now, I know that it's a problem, and I know why it's a problem, but I'm not really inclined to try n address it due to the couple of instances where it's happened again recently. I mean, he's always really really apologetic about it when he calms down, and says he's only said it because he was angry n that I wasn't listening to him... But the damage is already done by then.

Yes, let me know about the holiday plans, I hope you manage to get something sorted x

[Kel]

Hi Mister,

I hope that you are well & that everything is ok.

Just wanted to let you know that I have booked a holiday. I am off work for 2 weeks and we are going away for 1 x 3 day break in the UK & 1 x 7 day holiday abroad. Fingers crossed that I will be ok. I am just trying not to think that about the possibility of me having a "wobble" whilst we are away and hoping that I will enjoy myself. I have been feeling ok over the pat few days so I hope that it lasts!

That's all for now. Let me know how things are with you x

[Mister]

Hi Kel

Great to hear you've booked up somewhere... Probably a good idea to have the 2 short breaks, rather than just 1 long one. Hope you have a fantastic break 8)

Well things are fast moving along for me now... Things in the relationship have been strained last few weeks due to my OH actively looking for work, which has stressed us both out, and we were left looking for somewhere to live which we've had to sort out very swiftly due to only having 3 weeks max to get somewhere. Just signed for somewhere on friday, so that's a massive weight off our minds. It'll be our first proper place together, as we've currently been sharing... so that'll be good for us.

Can't remember if I mentioned earlier, but the job I'm currently doing is only a temporary role for 6 months before I'd have to go back to my usual job (for a lot less money)... Well it was announced early this week that the job will now be advertised as a permanent role :shock:

If I don't get it then I'd still get to finish my 6 month stint, but I really really want it... It would mean so much to me.

I'm trying to keep a grip on my anxiety about it, otherwise it'll have a very bad effect on me n take over again... and I'd end up screwing my chances... I've not got another appointment with my therapist for a month now, so I'll probably have already been through the assessment centre & interview panel by the time I get to see her again.. Yikes.

I have a meeting with my manager about it next week, so fingers crossed she'll be able to settle some of my concerns about it.

Wonder if you're already on your hols? If not, hope you can keep control & enjoy it xx