PDA

View Full Version : Depressed, anxious, just seeing if anyone out there would talk.



casuallullaby
06-02-2013, 10:12 PM
Sorry, I'm not very good at reaching out, anywhere, but anonymity does have its perks some times. Anyhow, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about...6 or 7 years ago now? I have one really good friend who understands about half of what I go through but she isn't really fully on the same page. I've tried therapists and counselors, still in the process of finding the right fit. Some nights though it's just...hard.
So here's my state of being: I'm a recent college graduate, I've been published, won fiction awards, presented at conferences, and I am going to graduate school in August. Everyone tells me just how proud I should be, that I've accomplished a lot in 22 years. I just can't bring myself to feel any sort of pride. I'm stuck in this constant cycle of trying to accomplish things to feel good about myself but I can't. I've always wanted to make a difference in the world, and some days I feel like I can fix all the worlds problems if I persevere. Other days I can't even bring myself to get out of bed. I just don't see the point in much of anything that I do, and it can be damn stressing.
I've also never been in a relationship yet, which is also something that drags me down, but at the same time it's also complicated. I'm a gay man, but I'm honestly pretty scared of intimacy, and it seems like no one can understand or respect that. I just feel really isolated most of the time.
There's more to it, I just don't want this to wind up sounding like a ranting or venting post, I'd really just like to find people who can relate, just to know that I'm really not alone in this bullshit. Maybe even someone to talk to about this stuff.
I also apologize if I've misinterpreted the purpose of this forum, and if I have could anyone point me in the right direction?
Regardless of the outcome, thank you, anyone who even took the time to read this.
Take care,
Casuallullaby

Lin
06-02-2013, 10:48 PM
You have come to the right place, you will definitely find people on here who can help with your depression and anxiety, and hopefully someone who really understands the other things you are going through.

You have done so well so far in what you have accomplished and should be very proud, but perhaps you have reached a time when you need a break from trying to achieve and just try to relax and have some fun.

My son is 22 and is just finishing a Masters at university and has also had plays performed and won prizes whilst at university. But he has now reached the point where he has to leave university and studying and start to find a job where he can carry on his love of writing. It is a very difficult time because at the same time he wants to be able to have fun, but is not going to earn enough in the field he is going in to to be able to live without our help because he will have to start at the bottom.

He has had terrible anxious times during university because he does not feel always achieving as how as he can, and even a First degree was not good enough because the individual marks were not as high as he wanted.

But now is the time to start finding a balance of enjoying life and achieving so that he can have a normal life and earn enough to live on.

Perhaps you have also reached a crossroads in your life and achieving and living life have got to be balanced. Finding a way to do this will help you.

Hopefully you will find the right person to talk to to show you a way forward to enjoy your life and to find a partner who understands and love you, as well as carry on being successful in your professional life, but with time for fun and enjoyment.

mid
06-03-2013, 09:05 AM
I agree with Lin, you've come to the right place. The one thing that helps is that you've written it down, and you now have a place to work with in finding projects that fit what you are wandering in your thoughts. I choose wandering rather than wondering because you are preparing yourself to make some choices - you've made a decision to move forward, and switch from working to feel good about yourself to feel good about yourself in this moment.
Keep a journal to help you find your pattern of thoughts, so you can give yourself a cue to stepping away from that path. With depression symptoms, knowing where you are in your thoughts will help you manage the switch to either up or down if you need to balance them.
You are your best friend. Treat your friendship carefully, and take care of yourself.
Best wishes. You are not alone in this.

Judie
06-03-2013, 10:13 AM
Sorry, I'm not very good at reaching out, anywhere, but anonymity does have its perks some times. Anyhow, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about...6 or 7 years ago now? I have one really good friend who understands about half of what I go through but she isn't really fully on the same page. I've tried therapists and counselors, still in the process of finding the right fit. Some nights though it's just...hard.
So here's my state of being: I'm a recent college graduate, I've been published, won fiction awards, presented at conferences, and I am going to graduate school in August. Everyone tells me just how proud I should be, that I've accomplished a lot in 22 years. I just can't bring myself to feel any sort of pride. I'm stuck in this constant cycle of trying to accomplish things to feel good about myself but I can't. I've always wanted to make a difference in the world, and some days I feel like I can fix all the worlds problems if I persevere. Other days I can't even bring myself to get out of bed. I just don't see the point in much of anything that I do, and it can be damn stressing.
I've also never been in a relationship yet, which is also something that drags me down, but at the same time it's also complicated. I'm a gay man, but I'm honestly pretty scared of intimacy, and it seems like no one can understand or respect that. I just feel really isolated most of the time.
There's more to it, I just don't want this to wind up sounding like a ranting or venting post, I'd really just like to find people who can relate, just to know that I'm really not alone in this bullshit. Maybe even someone to talk to about this stuff.
I also apologize if I've misinterpreted the purpose of this forum, and if I have could anyone point me in the right direction?
Regardless of the outcome, thank you, anyone who even took the time to read this.
Take care,
Casuallullaby
Hey Casuallullaby, Welcome and congrats on the published work. Must be nice to hear all those accolades on your work or let me rephrase that to " wouldn't it be nice if you felt about your accomplishments the way others do" . Depression, anxiety, low self esteem sufferers unfortunately don't see themselves in the same positive light as others do. We set self imposed unattainable goals to attain perfection, but remember in life it doesn't matter what anyone says, it just matters what you feel. Others can tell you a million times that you are wonderful, but if " you" don't feel that -those words fall on deaf ears. Usually this is a result of an " injured" self esteem. As a child, along the way perhaps someone was distant, demanding " you can do better, you're smart on and on. This works really well for some but if a child isn't underachieving and is in fact putting their best foot forward this can begin to instill a "I am just not good enough" mindset regardless of accomplishments. Fear of intimacy is usually just a fear of getting hurt, exposing yourself, maybe because you have been hurt by people close to you. Walls go up but on the positive side they can be taken down as well. The idea that you haven't been in an intimate relationship yet is certainly " a scary thing" to you but again this is self imposed. We are all afraid or " weary" of anything we are unfamiliar with., first sexual experience is right at the top of that list. But here is where negative thoughts get the best of you ( anyone with anxiety or depression). The positive or reality is that first experience will also be your partners "first " experience with you. With intimacy comes vulnerability, so for everyone, regardless of experience, they are equal in that moment. You are used to setting goals and attaining them, methodically working toward them, but with intimacy it's about emotion and vulnerability not thought and action. You will be fine, bottom line is trust ( trust in yourself and others) and thoughts ( don't go to the negative-those thoughts about " no one understands my fear of intimacy should be-I'm looking for someone who understands my fear of intimacy and trust me there are many potential partners out there that do. That happiness you are in quest of lives inside of you, just needs to be nurtured. Be Well !