MaryJayne
06-01-2013, 09:37 PM
Hello everyone.
Its my first time posting, and I'm hoping someone can help me. I know this forum isn't for relationship problems, but when it boils down to it, anxiety is the main problem. My name’s Mary and I’m 29. Ive been with my boyfriend for about 3 and a half years. We both have problems that work against each other very much. He has problems with anger and i have problems with anxiety, especially when it comes to what others think of me. Over the years, he has gotten a lot better at managing and dealing with his anger. As far as myself goes, i feel like i go in spurts where i try to control and manage my anxiety, but it seems I always stop for a while. I fool myself into believing it is getting better, I dont keep up with techniques, almost like I lose interest. Its now affecting our relationship. I can’t make a decision, I can’t be assertive, I lie about things I really want and feel just to agree with others so there’s no confrontation or anger. I get very afraid, and I hate it. Now, seeing as how its affecting our relationship so much, you’d think I would want to get a hold of it. But I don’t try. If I do, its a measly two week attempt, and then I’m right back to where I was. I care about this man so much. The love I feel for him, and how he makes me feel loved are incredible. But my problems clash so much that I’m driving HIM crazy. By the time I’ve realized Ive gone right back to that fearful person, its already happened and I’m back to square one. Sometimes I wish i had someone who would just look past my problems so I didnt need to change, because I’m beginning to feel like I’m incapable of changing. Or is it because I lack the drive to actually change. Does that mean I don’t care about my boyfriend enough to change? And if I don’t care, then should I even be with him? I dont know if i’m just too lazy, or just don’t actually care, but at the same time, I feel like i’m going insane. Is it too hard for me to work on things while in a relationship? Maybe I need to see someone, as I feel like I lack the discipline to tweak myself without giving up. I haven’t been happy with myself and how I’ve handled things in the relationship so far. So sometimes I wonder if my idea of just breaking things off is just my anxiety wanting me to run away, but I can’t validate my own feelings because all I think about it reasons why they’re right and reasons why they’re wrong…not “this is right” or “this is wrong”. Its like I have no idea who I actually am.
Im sorry this is so long…this is the most honest i’ve been in a long time and I’m extremely grateful to anyone who reads it and offers any kind of advice. I sincerely thank you.
Its my first time posting, and I'm hoping someone can help me. I know this forum isn't for relationship problems, but when it boils down to it, anxiety is the main problem. My name’s Mary and I’m 29. Ive been with my boyfriend for about 3 and a half years. We both have problems that work against each other very much. He has problems with anger and i have problems with anxiety, especially when it comes to what others think of me. Over the years, he has gotten a lot better at managing and dealing with his anger. As far as myself goes, i feel like i go in spurts where i try to control and manage my anxiety, but it seems I always stop for a while. I fool myself into believing it is getting better, I dont keep up with techniques, almost like I lose interest. Its now affecting our relationship. I can’t make a decision, I can’t be assertive, I lie about things I really want and feel just to agree with others so there’s no confrontation or anger. I get very afraid, and I hate it. Now, seeing as how its affecting our relationship so much, you’d think I would want to get a hold of it. But I don’t try. If I do, its a measly two week attempt, and then I’m right back to where I was. I care about this man so much. The love I feel for him, and how he makes me feel loved are incredible. But my problems clash so much that I’m driving HIM crazy. By the time I’ve realized Ive gone right back to that fearful person, its already happened and I’m back to square one. Sometimes I wish i had someone who would just look past my problems so I didnt need to change, because I’m beginning to feel like I’m incapable of changing. Or is it because I lack the drive to actually change. Does that mean I don’t care about my boyfriend enough to change? And if I don’t care, then should I even be with him? I dont know if i’m just too lazy, or just don’t actually care, but at the same time, I feel like i’m going insane. Is it too hard for me to work on things while in a relationship? Maybe I need to see someone, as I feel like I lack the discipline to tweak myself without giving up. I haven’t been happy with myself and how I’ve handled things in the relationship so far. So sometimes I wonder if my idea of just breaking things off is just my anxiety wanting me to run away, but I can’t validate my own feelings because all I think about it reasons why they’re right and reasons why they’re wrong…not “this is right” or “this is wrong”. Its like I have no idea who I actually am.
Im sorry this is so long…this is the most honest i’ve been in a long time and I’m extremely grateful to anyone who reads it and offers any kind of advice. I sincerely thank you.