Watching my thoughts.

[Anxious Abi]

Hi, I seem to have found myself here not really knowing what to say. I suppose I should just go ahead and Introduce myself, I'm Abi, I'm not a hundred percent sure what it is I suffer from. I believe Generalized Anxiety and Depression, but honestly I have no clue.
At this point in time I feel confused and afraid, afraid of myself, my thoughts, my future.
I am currently on medication prescribed by the GP; Venlalic XL 150mg (Venlafaxine) and Riperidone 1.5mg daily, I don't really know what each of them is for, or understand what they do.
If you were to ask me what my symptoms are, they are probably very similar to everyone else.
When I go to sleep at night I can't stop my thoughts, they get more and more negative, disturbing even, they scare me, I scare me.
I read a quote saying, 'Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.' I got increasingly anxious after reading it, because sometimes I feel as though I cannot control my thoughts, they always go back to that dark place.
I am uncomfortable around people, even those I live with, I have a need to constantly ask if I have done anything wrong, because I feel like I have, have I? I'm not sure, I feel like I lose my sense of reality. I argue with myself, screaming in my head, I just want it to stop, I just want the thoughts to fly past without my constant attention. I've felt that before, going to sleep without all those thoughts making me afraid, I'd do anything to feel it again.
I seem to have spent my life talking about my problems, thinking about my problems, always thinking about it. Why am I anxious right now? Why do I feel so lost? I've seen a number of different practitioners over the years and truth be told, I'm fed up, fed up trying to beat my anxiety and losing. I'm fed up of myself.
I think that's probably enough for an introduction.
I am extremely pleased I found a place I can come and not feel so insane.

[shane bevan]

Welcome i hope things are going well

[Lin]

Shane, just put new thread out to you on general discussion. I can't reply to your pm it says your box is full. Lin

[Lin]

Anxious Abi - hope you find the forum useful and friendly. It is so good when you realise you are not alone in your anxiety and depression struggles. The forum has really helped me, especially like tonight when i can't sleep because head too full because there is always someone to talk to.
Hope you get some relief soon from advice you are given by people.

[shane bevan]

Lin i emptied out my in box so u can message me

[Lin]

Thanks Shane have replied.

[shane bevan]

Havent gotten. Can u resend it?

[Anxious Abi]

It's strange, it will be coming up a year since this and I still feel the same.
I'm not sure if anything has changed, might have to spend a while thinking about that, look for some positives.

[jessed03]

I'm glad you bumped this Abi! I wasn't using the forum when this was written, so I'm glad I got to read more of your story.

Isn't it funny how the faces change. I'm just reading the responses from people. I don't see them around anymore. I'm sure that's a good thing or they'd have stuck around and posted more. I know Lin was pretty popular, I don't know why she doesn't post anymore. I remember Shane too. Funny guy. On the word game on the day he joined, we bounced top gun phrases back at each other haha.

I like the way you write. A lot of thought goes into it. Whether that's deliberate, or whether you've just analyzed things a lot, and can talk freely when you choose to, I'm not sure. Either way I always sense a lot of self awareness in your writing, and a lot of contemplation.

I think when you read somebody else's story, you instantly compare parts of yourself to it. I think that's just sort of what we do. Maybe it's a vanity thing, maybe it's just us trying to build a connection with a familiar 'sufferer'. I match up a lot in comparison. Not necessarily story wise either. But in the way you deal with your anxiety condition, and the attitude you take, and the way you perceive it.

I almost sense a slight disconnectedness from it, in your writing. I don't get that impression from too many others. Most seem very close to the action. I really do sense a tiredness in your first post too. I think you express that though. Having been to lots of practitioners and not received relief -- that's understandable. Belief does go. No doubt about that. I'm not sure it's happened/happened to you already, but the belief you'll improve really can fade very very quickly.

I would ask if that's one thing that you've at least improved upon? Energy and belief? But I see no reason why that would improve for you, a year on from this. It most certainly didn't for me! Each year was just another sword in the back. Especially when I'd seen no changes at all. If the year has brought small, but subtle changes, at least a little optimism is understandable, but when it's brought none? That's hard. That's very disheartening.

Anyway, listen to me talking about what I sense, as if I'm psychic Sally or something :)

I don't know of you've tried meditation. It's one of the only things I like suggesting to people, when thoughts are a big part of their troubles. Bringing every thought back to it's weightless self is so beneficial. Right now in your head they aren't weightless. Some thoughts carry their weight in gold, and have almost certainly gone on to be upgraded, and become beliefs.

It is the only thing that helped me in a similar situation.

If it's something you don't do already, it's more than worth giving a go. There's a thread you can join, where a lot of people just chat about it.

Mindfulness can be like CBT on steroids sometimes :)

Best of luck for the next year up coming Abi.

[Anxious Abi]

Hey Jesse.
I will definitely have to have a read of the meditation thread, I've only really practiced relaxation to help me get to sleep, hopefully it isn't too hard to get started.
Thank you, I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors.

:)

[Anxious Abi]

I've been thinking on the disconnect I feel, i'm not sure why it's there of where it comes from, but I definitely feel it. I think in every area of my life I feel it actually, I never really thought about it much before, and now I just want to understand it.
I attempted some guided meditation a while ago, hopefully the more I practice the more it will help.
Feeling lonely as shit tonight, anybody know any interesting general chat sites? Preferably filled with perverts 'cause i'm totally into that sort of thing ;).
Best wishess.

[Anxious Abi]

I'm feeling the lowest I have felt in a while, constantly a mess in my head. I feel utterly alone and confused...
At this point I'm not sure I can ever get back to a good place. I'm grieving for this whole life I feel I have lost, all the the things I hoped for the future, I feel like they will never come to pass. Day by day I feel myself slipping away, a shell of what I was.
I don't know, maybe I am catastrophizing, a few weeks of struggling to cope doesn't mean my whole life is going to be this way.
*Sigh*
Can't seem to see things clearly through my own perspective.

[Anne1221]

Hmm...do you have a therapist or take any medication? Would there be someone for you to talk to and help you get things turned around?

[Anxious Abi]

Hmm...do you have a therapist or take any medication? Would there be someone for you to talk to and help you get things turned around?

Hey.
I see my Psychiatrist in twelve days, I am on a waiting list for my third round of CBT and I take 150mg Venlafaxine, 40mg Citalopram, 2.5mg Risperidone.
At the minute I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to, at least no one that understands.
Talking about a certain aspect of my problem can be very difficult, almost nobody in my life can comprehend it, and trying to open up about it often ends up making me feel worse than I already did.

[GeneAllen]

How's it going Abi?

Just checking up on ya.

Peace

[Anxious Abi]

Hey GeneAllen, i'm doing my best to stay on track, some day's are worse than others but i'm still going. Thank you for asking.
I hope you're doing well.
Best wishes.