JustinKW
05-26-2013, 03:57 PM
Good Afternoon,
I am a 25 year old male that is having a tough time. It all started on March 13th of this year (2013), when I woke up feeling really nervous and anxious. I had experienced a similar feeling before when i took diet pills without drinking lots of water. However, the feeling usually went away when the diet pills were the root of the problem. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way, so then I guess I made it worse, and started trembling. That is the sign of me having a panic attack. I checked my heart rate, and it was 130 bpm and this feeling just would not go away. Eventually, the panic subsided but the anxiety did not. I had recently received the smallpox vaccine, and my Immunologist attributed my reaction to that. However, the anxiety persisted for a few days, and that is when he referred me to see a psychologist.
It was a week from the date of my first anxiety attack when I first met with my psychologist. During that week, my heart rate had been consistently high and I felt scared quite often. I was convinced that I was losing my mind. After seeing him, I started to feel better, but he wanted me to do two things: 1.) Go back to work (I had been avoiding work because I didn't want to have a panic attack in front of my co-workers) and 2.) Get used to being by myself (I had around my roommate constantly during this time because I was so frightened of my thoughts). The night before I went back to work, I had three panic attacks in my sleep. When I went to work, I started to feel much, much better within an hour. I still to this day don't know why. However, I was wary of anxiety coming back and I looked for it when I went home for work, checking for it. After a week of working, I felt like I was all better, even though I had somehow lost my sense of motivation and felt like I couldn’t experience pleasure. I just shrugged that off however. As I went on leave for two weeks back to my hometown with my wife, my anxiety came back and crept up on me. The last panic attack I had was on April 12th. During the panic attack, I'll never forget how my wife was there to comfort me and make me feel better. She was soooo empathetic. This is when I had to start seeing a therapist down there.
Over the course of two weeks, I began to feel better and I was sleeping better. I would still wake up after four hours of sleep, but I could tightly hug my wife and go back to sleep. I then had to go to a new station for my job on April 22nd and this is where I started having strange feelings when I was talking to someone about work. I incessantly looked for names for these feelings on the internet and came to the conclusion that they were known as derealization and depersonalization, or a sense of unreality. The first week here with those feelings was brutal. I then saw a psychologist here, and we made a plan, and things started getting better gradually. The treatment plan consisted of Yoga once a week, CBT group once a week, and at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercising daily. I left her office with confidence that I would be feeling better eventually. With that being said, I was getting better. I was starting to sleep on my own, albeit 5 hours, but that's fine with me. I was also generally starting to feel better. The came another psychosomatic symptom.
Then one night, I laid my ear up against my pillow and I thought I heard ringing (tinnitus), so I lifted it up and it went away. I fell asleep shortly after. The next day I had CBT group, and i heard the noise again, but it eventually subsided. That night, I had to stand watch and I laid down for my three hour nap, and this is when the tinnitus really laid it on. I got up and watched tv so I wouldn't have to hear it, so I thought it was gone. However, it was not and the next day, my therapist called out sick. Obviously, it was a pretty bad day for me. The next couple of days were pretty rough for me, but I still flew out to Alabama for training and my wife came to see me. The first night while I was there without her was rough, but it got better once she got there. I was getting better over the past two weeks with her being there. We were running three miles a day, and sometimes 6. However, I had to leave, as did she. Now all of these feelings are rushing back and I am legitimately scared. I sometimes feel like things are going to get better, then they get all bad again.
Admittedly, I feel like a ****show. I want 100% full recovery. I want 100% Justin back. I don't know what it's going to take, but I'm willing to do it if it helps me recover. I don't want to be scared anymore and I'm ready to have fun again. I want to get back to the person I used to be. I truly am a fun loving person, but I just don't feel like it now. There are some complications however. I can't take anti-depressants. Why? The reason is because I will then lose this deployment. The small sliver of myself that I still have knows that this deployment will mean everything to my career. I must do this by using psychotherapy approaches only. I also feel like being by myself where I am now plays a part in this as well. The officers I am with all live miles away from the base, which is where I am living, and all have their own families. I've come here for support and would greatly appreciate any encouragement you guys are willing to give me.
Background:
You could say that I have been a workaholic for the past year, sometimes being at work 6/7 days of the week when only 3-4 are required. That is because my shifts are 12 hour shifts, so I only work 3-4. My dad is an alcoholic and he recently disclosed to me that he and his brothers developed anxiety in their mid-twenties. His father and his grandfather were both alcoholics. My wife tells me that I never used to let anything bother me. She tells me that I would always shrug things off like they didn't matter and not deal with them. My wife and I have been geographically separated by 1700 miles since I joined the military 1.5 years ago.
I am a 25 year old male that is having a tough time. It all started on March 13th of this year (2013), when I woke up feeling really nervous and anxious. I had experienced a similar feeling before when i took diet pills without drinking lots of water. However, the feeling usually went away when the diet pills were the root of the problem. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way, so then I guess I made it worse, and started trembling. That is the sign of me having a panic attack. I checked my heart rate, and it was 130 bpm and this feeling just would not go away. Eventually, the panic subsided but the anxiety did not. I had recently received the smallpox vaccine, and my Immunologist attributed my reaction to that. However, the anxiety persisted for a few days, and that is when he referred me to see a psychologist.
It was a week from the date of my first anxiety attack when I first met with my psychologist. During that week, my heart rate had been consistently high and I felt scared quite often. I was convinced that I was losing my mind. After seeing him, I started to feel better, but he wanted me to do two things: 1.) Go back to work (I had been avoiding work because I didn't want to have a panic attack in front of my co-workers) and 2.) Get used to being by myself (I had around my roommate constantly during this time because I was so frightened of my thoughts). The night before I went back to work, I had three panic attacks in my sleep. When I went to work, I started to feel much, much better within an hour. I still to this day don't know why. However, I was wary of anxiety coming back and I looked for it when I went home for work, checking for it. After a week of working, I felt like I was all better, even though I had somehow lost my sense of motivation and felt like I couldn’t experience pleasure. I just shrugged that off however. As I went on leave for two weeks back to my hometown with my wife, my anxiety came back and crept up on me. The last panic attack I had was on April 12th. During the panic attack, I'll never forget how my wife was there to comfort me and make me feel better. She was soooo empathetic. This is when I had to start seeing a therapist down there.
Over the course of two weeks, I began to feel better and I was sleeping better. I would still wake up after four hours of sleep, but I could tightly hug my wife and go back to sleep. I then had to go to a new station for my job on April 22nd and this is where I started having strange feelings when I was talking to someone about work. I incessantly looked for names for these feelings on the internet and came to the conclusion that they were known as derealization and depersonalization, or a sense of unreality. The first week here with those feelings was brutal. I then saw a psychologist here, and we made a plan, and things started getting better gradually. The treatment plan consisted of Yoga once a week, CBT group once a week, and at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercising daily. I left her office with confidence that I would be feeling better eventually. With that being said, I was getting better. I was starting to sleep on my own, albeit 5 hours, but that's fine with me. I was also generally starting to feel better. The came another psychosomatic symptom.
Then one night, I laid my ear up against my pillow and I thought I heard ringing (tinnitus), so I lifted it up and it went away. I fell asleep shortly after. The next day I had CBT group, and i heard the noise again, but it eventually subsided. That night, I had to stand watch and I laid down for my three hour nap, and this is when the tinnitus really laid it on. I got up and watched tv so I wouldn't have to hear it, so I thought it was gone. However, it was not and the next day, my therapist called out sick. Obviously, it was a pretty bad day for me. The next couple of days were pretty rough for me, but I still flew out to Alabama for training and my wife came to see me. The first night while I was there without her was rough, but it got better once she got there. I was getting better over the past two weeks with her being there. We were running three miles a day, and sometimes 6. However, I had to leave, as did she. Now all of these feelings are rushing back and I am legitimately scared. I sometimes feel like things are going to get better, then they get all bad again.
Admittedly, I feel like a ****show. I want 100% full recovery. I want 100% Justin back. I don't know what it's going to take, but I'm willing to do it if it helps me recover. I don't want to be scared anymore and I'm ready to have fun again. I want to get back to the person I used to be. I truly am a fun loving person, but I just don't feel like it now. There are some complications however. I can't take anti-depressants. Why? The reason is because I will then lose this deployment. The small sliver of myself that I still have knows that this deployment will mean everything to my career. I must do this by using psychotherapy approaches only. I also feel like being by myself where I am now plays a part in this as well. The officers I am with all live miles away from the base, which is where I am living, and all have their own families. I've come here for support and would greatly appreciate any encouragement you guys are willing to give me.
Background:
You could say that I have been a workaholic for the past year, sometimes being at work 6/7 days of the week when only 3-4 are required. That is because my shifts are 12 hour shifts, so I only work 3-4. My dad is an alcoholic and he recently disclosed to me that he and his brothers developed anxiety in their mid-twenties. His father and his grandfather were both alcoholics. My wife tells me that I never used to let anything bother me. She tells me that I would always shrug things off like they didn't matter and not deal with them. My wife and I have been geographically separated by 1700 miles since I joined the military 1.5 years ago.