My daughter - I need some advice!

[concerned parent]

Hello, I'm new here and was hoping that I might use this forum to get some advice about my daughter. I've been doing a little research and I believe she may be showing signs of OCD. Things have begun to worry me, particularly the last couple of days where she has broken down and told my wife that she's recently been having thoughts about hurting people.

Some background - my wife has a history of anxiety, depression and anorexia. She's doing very well these days and has benefited from some compassionate counseling and some close friends who are very supportive. From my readings, am I right in thinking that there's a clear hereditary link? All three of our children have shown signs over the years of anxiety - my son recently battled panic attacks after being shouted at during his job at a supermarket. My middle daughter used to struggle with insomnia and is showing signs of being a perfectionist - she puts in so much effort into her schoolwork and throws herself into everything at 110%.

However, my main concern at the moment is our youngest daughter. She's 11 and is very much the "baby" of the family. She always acts far younger than she actually is and is starting to become ostracized at school (to a small degree). It seems to me that she is a fairly anxious girl, although she appears very happy. She worries about being left alone, even for a few minutes if we need to run down to the shops (we would leave the other two older kids in charge). She worries about watching any movie that's not "G" rated. She's also very fidgetty. For a year or so she was chronically making "finger puppets" with her hands and couldn't seem to stop, even while she was eating. Then she moved onto tapping the table, as if playing the drums. Lately she's been whistling non-stop.

None of this has been a major cause for concern to my wife and I. So far we've been content just to keep an eye on things and have thought that her anxiety about parental separation and tapping / whistling would cease as she gets older. I suppose that I am a bit wary, given the family history.

Anyway, for the last two nights she's burst into tears and told my wife that she's been having thoughts about hurting other people - it's scaring her and us.

My first thought was to get a referral from our doctor for some professional help - nip things in the bud before they escalate. However, I'm a little concerned about creating a potential dependency on therapy. Given that these thoughts about hurting people have only just reared, should I wait and see if they pass, or should I seek help immediately? My wife has asked her whether she has seen anything scary / confronting in the media - she tells her that she hasn't and we're usually pretty guarded about what she watches / reads etc.

One possible source for these thoughts is that a couple of weeks ago she was sat next to "the naughiest boy" in the class, who told my daughter that he couldn't wait to grow up so he could kill someone. My daughter was a bit shocked by this so I'm wondering whether she's been dwelling on this...

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts / guidance / suggestions then I would be extremely grateful.

Thanks so much
Jason

[concerned parent]

Kev, thanks so much for your insight and suggestions. I'm really glad that there seems to be so much help and support available online. I guess that we probably have unconsciously babied our youngest daughter, and both my wife and I have probably "cotton wooled" our kids, trying to preserve their childhood innocence etc. We're not big fans of them watching the news and we tend to monitor what they watch. In general they seem to be content, well-adjusted and happy. It's just that we're noticing these tendencies in our kids and I want to ensure that we respond appropriately.

Once again, many thanks for your response Kev.

Cheers
Jason


Howdy Jason .

I commend you for being here trying to get the help to sort things out .

First off i would say that i believe that there may be a simply link that makes it hereditary but believe this plays very little into things . It may just make her more aware of the things that happen around her.

I think that it is very important that you start to address this now as from your story it is getting worse as time goes on .

Your wife has her own problems and i believe that this is what has played more into the way your children may be than anything that is hereditary. Your wife after all is the main one they are learning from . If she has bad or anxious habits then they are also going to pick up on this .

I believe for this very reason you need to contact some one in regards to therapy and also believe that this should be done on both a individual level but also on a family level . I have no doubt that the way many people in your clan are behaving can be addressed . I also say this because when you are close to it you often dont see it .

I will point out some that i see .


She always acts far younger than she actually is -- Is this because in fact she may have been babied ? Maybe she is underdeveloped in the ways of dealing with the world . Maybe your wife and yourself has been very over protective towards her more than the older ones . This is a very common problem in anxious adults believe it or not .


my son recently battled panic attacks after being shouted at during his job at a supermarket- Again there needs to be a reason behind this and my guess is that he didn't know how to handle it .

My middle daughter used to struggle with insomnia and is showing signs of being a perfectionist -- Classic anxiety . Cant sleep because of worry . Perfectionist , trying to prove something . This alone adds a lot of pressure to a child . This is what ened up cracking me .

Anyway, for the last two nights she's burst into tears and told my wife that she's been having thoughts about hurting other people - it's scaring her and us. - This is pretty common in children but what stands out again is that this is not something that she should be worrying about so much . You say that this happened a few weeks back . Why did she not feel comfortable coming to you earlier? She has been dwelling on this since it happened , is there any wonder its stressing her out . So also to put your fear to rest this is slowly what a anxious brain does . It focuses on the fears we have . When get scared , then we fear the thing we are scared of. IT is nothing but a thought but the anxious brain has problems turning that thought off .

I am going to be a bit mean here and your welcome to tell me to piss off.

What i am really seeing here is four people that have anxiety problems and the older adults thinking that it would just slowly go away as they grow up ( plus one adult is anxious also , anxious people avoid problems ) . This is not going to happen unless the way that the anxious people are looking at the world is addressed and changed .

But the good news is that it is not life long and is only a matter of address the way that one sees the world and sorting out better ways to handle it .

Cheers and again i am sorry if i may have upset you but i think i needed to say it as i saw it

Kev :)

One more thing , if you do the therapy or you want someone that may be able to explain whats going on a bit better than me , my old therapist had pretty much the same upbringing .

[missmello]

Well if I was 11 years old and a little boy said that to me in school, that would definitely freak me out too! That most likely is what triggered her thoughts.

I 100% believe anxiety is hereditary. My mother has anxiety and my father is bipolar, so poor little me had no chance! Haha! Growing up with 2 parents with psychological issues was no picnic either. My parents divorced when I was 9, but I would always see them fight. I was hit quite a bit as a child, sometimes to the point where I'd pee myself because I was so scared/upset. My mother was overly protective and was always making sure I didn't do something wrong. I'm not going to go into everything, but being an only child too, my childhood wasn't the happiest.

Looking back on it now, it's no wonder I have anxiety! I'm not saying you and your wife are doing anything wrong, I'm just describing my situation. When I look at my mom now, I can definitely see how anxious she is about things.. like the things she says and does.. and although I can't really remember, but when I was little I'm sure she acted the same way then, and I probably looked at her and thought "well maybe I should be worried about that too" and I really think that had some influence on me. Just a thought. But being surrounded by people with anxiety/depression definitely had an effect on me.

If you really don't think your daughter would hurt someone, and she's just having these thoughts and they scare her, I would wait and see if it passes.