Who Would I Have Been?

[janey]

I'm picturing myself as a little girl, with my big blue innocent eyes...Watching and absorbing all of the things around me.
I was a hopeful kid. I had hoped my parents and brother would stop being chronic substance abusers. I held on to that notion throughout my whole childhood and teenage years. I scribbled away at hundreds of love notes to them, begging them to stop harming themselves...that I was tired of picking them up off of the floor. I thought it would work. I thought that the feelings of their little girl and sister could transform them into normal functioning parents and a brother.
While hopeful, I was always so worried about them. I watched over them like a guardian. My little girl heart swelled with love and twisted with anguish.
They were not physically abusive, and I always knew they loved me. It's why my heart is so big now.


I am 21, and to this day tragedy stills greets me every year. Cancer, COPD, Aneurysms, jail, surgeries, fights, falls, drunk driving, verbal abuse, death and revival....such chaos. My life has been surrounded by bad news. They are my gems and I see such beauty in them, but they are also poison to me.
I keep poisoning myself. I, too, am addicted.

Who would I have been if I had sober parents?
That's what I keep asking myself...

[Judie]

Janey, I am many years older then you and I too have ridden a Roller Coaster Ride. Adult children of alcoholics are overly responsible ( someone always picks up the pieces ) often controlling ( lack of control in their life). I have lots of theories on life ( formulated by years of observations) and I believe we are all given situations in life that we are meant to learn from. I lost my mom from alcoholism, my brother alcoholic/addict ( finally after years of being used and treated poorly) we are now estranged. My stepson is an ( alcoholic/addict )doesn't speak to my husband or myself or my daughter ( sent her into a depression)." I have been so hurt by alcoholism ( good possibility being around all of this is the true catalyst( reason)for my depression/anxiety. Here's what I have learned. You can not control everything, especially alcoholism. You can not " fix" another human being, only that person can fix themselves. You need to understand that alcohol is a horrible disease BUT it is a treatable disease. When an alcoholic says they have a disease calmly look them or yourself in the eye and say You/ I have a treatable disease. Know that just because a person is drunk or high they are still 100% responsible for what they say or do. Saying things like " I was drunk" or Messed Up" is not an acceptable excuse or permission to hurt another human being. Who would you have been if your parents had been sober ? We will never know that answer but right now you are the person who can be anything they want to be regardless of the past. The past, regardless of how painful taught you invaluable life lessons. The past taught you what not to do to yourself or to another human being. The past taught you love doesn't mean picking up the pieces for people you love but rather allowing them to pick up pieces for themselves, this is how people learn.The past also taught you that you coped as a child and that you can cope as an adult. Sadly it also taught you how to escape through alcohol and drugs. But it also taught you how to recognize addiction and the wisdom to know exactly what you have to do.Those are your lessons, be confident that you know them well. Your future is whatever you want it to be. No one defines us, we define ourselves. If you allow alcoholism, panic, depression, or low self esteem to take you down they will. Adult children of alcoholics are strong, caring individuals, with one weak point, they don't always love themselves, negativity has a way of crippling one's self esteem.Learn to love yourself. If you are on the path of addiction, you are educated and know exactly what to do. Pick up a phone and ask for help. ! Be Well, Wise Choices ! Dream Big !

[janey]

Janey, I am many years older then you and I too have ridden a Roller Coaster Ride. Adult children of alcoholics are overly responsible ( someone always picks up the pieces ) often controlling ( lack of control in their life). I have lots of theories on life ( formulated by years of observations) and I believe we are all given situations in life that we are meant to learn from. I lost my mom from alcoholism, my brother alcoholic/addict ( finally after years of being used and treated poorly) we are now estranged. My stepson is an ( alcoholic/addict )doesn't speak to my husband or myself or my daughter ( sent her into a depression)." I have been so hurt by alcoholism ( good possibility being around all of this is the true catalyst( reason)for my depression/anxiety. Here's what I have learned. You can not control everything, especially alcoholism. You can not " fix" another human being, only that person can fix themselves. You need to understand that alcohol is a horrible disease BUT it is a treatable disease. When an alcoholic says they have a disease calmly look them or yourself in the eye and say You/ I have a treatable disease. Know that just because a person is drunk or high they are still 100% responsible for what they say or do. Saying things like " I was drunk" or Messed Up" is not an acceptable excuse or permission to hurt another human being. Who would you have been if your parents had been sober ? We will never know that answer but right now you are the person who can be anything they want to be regardless of the past. The past, regardless of how painful taught you invaluable life lessons. The past taught you what not to do to yourself or to another human being. The past taught you love doesn't mean picking up the pieces for people you love but rather allowing them to pick up pieces for themselves, this is how people learn.The past also taught you that you coped as a child and that you can cope as an adult. Sadly it also taught you how to escape through alcohol and drugs. But it also taught you how to recognize addiction and the wisdom to know exactly what you have to do.Those are your lessons, be confident that you know them well. Your future is whatever you want it to be. No one defines us, we define ourselves. If you allow alcoholism, panic, depression, or low self esteem to take you down they will. Adult children of alcoholics are strong, caring individuals, with one weak point, they don't always love themselves, negativity has a way of crippling one's self esteem.Learn to love yourself. If you are on the path of addiction, you are educated and know exactly what to do. Pick up a phone and ask for help. ! Be Well, Wise Choices ! Dream Big !


Thank you, Judie. I've learned as an adult that I can't truly help them, but I always find myself babysitting them and trying to prevent catastrophe. I know I am an enabler to a great extent, but I am this way because I would feel a great amount of guilt if something happened and I could have prevented it. I am a very guilt-ridden person for things that I shouldn't feel so guilty about. I feel like their problems are my problems. I also love them more than anything...It's like they are my children. They are my total weakness. I know I have to let them go, but I won't willingly do it. I feel like they won't live to reach a ripe old age, and I want to be close to them as long as they live. Inside, I am still that little girl...their little girl.

4 days ago my brother died and was revived from over dosing on Heroin. He's been in and out of rehabs, jail, homeless shelters. He was living with us for years and was addicted to crack-cocaine. He stole so much valuables and money from us. My grandmother decided to take him in, and he stole her whole childhood. Her stamp and coin collections, money, jewelry. He's been addicted to drugs since he was a teenager, and he's now 32. People just won't change no matter how much you try to help them.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with similar things, especially losing your mother. That's my worst fear.
It's nice to see you've come full-circle with the situation and didn't turn out like the diseased around you. I guess all we can do is love ourselves. That will be a journey for me.

Thank you for the wonderful reply, Judie.