Thinkitso
05-16-2013, 06:04 PM
Some things I've been observing about myself that are kinda strange and don't make sense to me, I'm wondering if anyone can help me separate what's "me" vs what's the anxiety...
1) I can't just sit still and relax or do nothing or take in a nice view for more than 2 minutes before I feel a surge of energy and thoughts like "I have to do something, I have to be more productive, I have to go!" start popping up.
2) When I'm with other people, I can't handle them being uncomfortable in anyway. As soon as I think they might think the conversation is boring, or the silence is too long, or something like that, I just start randomly talking until they react positively. Some people say it makes me an "animated" conversationalist that they like talking to, but my stomach is in knots the whole time.
3) I get so sad when people leave. I hate any moment I'm not with people, I feel like my life is on pause when that happens. Whenever I'm alone thoughts just start occurring to me, plans on how to meet people, how to hang out with them. I had a roommate for a while, and I was being too 'present' for his taste, so I decided to not leave my room to hang out with him whenever he was in the living room so he could be more comfortable and I could be more healthy. It nearly killed me lol. I would sit there with all my muscles tense from trying to resist leaving my room, feeling like some great opportunity was being forever missed, like I was doing something horribly wrong by not talking to him. I now practice trying to sit quietly with people, not filling the silences! It just feels like I'm murdering puppies, pure guilt and sadness. I'm thinking this through as I write, but I guess I feel I have some obligation to keep the convo alive, and when it doesn't work, uff :(
4) I feel a strong desire to connect with every person I meet. I watch a lot of trash tv because it gives me that connection in some weird way.
5) I can't read or write or think without feeling like I'm not doing it well enough. Sometimes I end up reading the same sentence ten times. Or rewriting the same sentence over and over, each time getting more worked up about it. My head muscles get so tense, it feels like I'm constantly flexing them.
5) I get in these weird "high energy" states, not 'top of the world' like bi-polar, but just huge surges of energy that I have to walk 6 miles to get back to normal. At these times I get really annoyed with people over tiny things and just want to argue and then never talk to them again.
6) All I think about really is junk food and TV and exercise, everything else seems pointless. I exercise so much that I have blisters forming within blisters on 4 different places on my toes, for the third time. But I can't stop walking/jogging, I have too much energy and if I don't expend it I'm constantly dizzy and can't think or function too well. Also, when I throw myself into the sensate stuff, I feel like I lose consciousness in a sense, like my distinct "me-ness" stops existing, and when I finally stop the sensate stuff, I feel like I've just gained consciousness again.
7) Whenever I walk through a crowd, it mentally drains me because I'm never not preoccupied with the other people, thinking about them, thinking about them thinking about me. Feeling tense about it.
8) I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong, like there's something I'm missing or forgetting. And whenever I am doing something I feel is "right" I get an intense feeling of impatience like I should be doing something else. Lol there's just no rest.
9) I'm almost always bored, restless & fidgety. Especially fidgety when I think and especially restless when I read.
That's all I can think of right now. Now I'm going to go on a walk because writing this has made my dizzying energy shoot up. Any help is thanked.
1) I can't just sit still and relax or do nothing or take in a nice view for more than 2 minutes before I feel a surge of energy and thoughts like "I have to do something, I have to be more productive, I have to go!" start popping up.
2) When I'm with other people, I can't handle them being uncomfortable in anyway. As soon as I think they might think the conversation is boring, or the silence is too long, or something like that, I just start randomly talking until they react positively. Some people say it makes me an "animated" conversationalist that they like talking to, but my stomach is in knots the whole time.
3) I get so sad when people leave. I hate any moment I'm not with people, I feel like my life is on pause when that happens. Whenever I'm alone thoughts just start occurring to me, plans on how to meet people, how to hang out with them. I had a roommate for a while, and I was being too 'present' for his taste, so I decided to not leave my room to hang out with him whenever he was in the living room so he could be more comfortable and I could be more healthy. It nearly killed me lol. I would sit there with all my muscles tense from trying to resist leaving my room, feeling like some great opportunity was being forever missed, like I was doing something horribly wrong by not talking to him. I now practice trying to sit quietly with people, not filling the silences! It just feels like I'm murdering puppies, pure guilt and sadness. I'm thinking this through as I write, but I guess I feel I have some obligation to keep the convo alive, and when it doesn't work, uff :(
4) I feel a strong desire to connect with every person I meet. I watch a lot of trash tv because it gives me that connection in some weird way.
5) I can't read or write or think without feeling like I'm not doing it well enough. Sometimes I end up reading the same sentence ten times. Or rewriting the same sentence over and over, each time getting more worked up about it. My head muscles get so tense, it feels like I'm constantly flexing them.
5) I get in these weird "high energy" states, not 'top of the world' like bi-polar, but just huge surges of energy that I have to walk 6 miles to get back to normal. At these times I get really annoyed with people over tiny things and just want to argue and then never talk to them again.
6) All I think about really is junk food and TV and exercise, everything else seems pointless. I exercise so much that I have blisters forming within blisters on 4 different places on my toes, for the third time. But I can't stop walking/jogging, I have too much energy and if I don't expend it I'm constantly dizzy and can't think or function too well. Also, when I throw myself into the sensate stuff, I feel like I lose consciousness in a sense, like my distinct "me-ness" stops existing, and when I finally stop the sensate stuff, I feel like I've just gained consciousness again.
7) Whenever I walk through a crowd, it mentally drains me because I'm never not preoccupied with the other people, thinking about them, thinking about them thinking about me. Feeling tense about it.
8) I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong, like there's something I'm missing or forgetting. And whenever I am doing something I feel is "right" I get an intense feeling of impatience like I should be doing something else. Lol there's just no rest.
9) I'm almost always bored, restless & fidgety. Especially fidgety when I think and especially restless when I read.
That's all I can think of right now. Now I'm going to go on a walk because writing this has made my dizzying energy shoot up. Any help is thanked.