View Full Version : When will this nightmare with my mother end?
amberlove833
05-16-2013, 04:35 AM
I don't know if many of you guys know, but me and my mom don't get along. Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure she hates me. But I could care less. A few months ago I grew the balls to tell my mom that I was thinking about moving out because I wasn't happy there, since I was about to be 17 anyways, and that's the new legal age to leave in ga. She didn't seem upset. She was mainly just being really sarcastic telling me once I walk out this door, I can't come back, ever. Which that didn't really make me upset because only thing I would really miss from this horrible household is my sister.
She was also telling me how silly the idea was and that I'm stupid for even thinking about it. She likes to play dumb, like she doesn't know that I'm sad here. She's always calling me names like 'idiot' 'bitch' and she's even called me a 'cunt' she is the ROOT of my anxiety and depression. And it's not just the mental abuse, I've been physically abused as well. She's pulled my hair, hit me, she's even challenged me to a fight. She once got in my face and said "you wanna fight me bitch?!?"
I couldn't believe she was acting this immature. Just the random things she does to me baffle the hell outta me. She puts so much energy into trying to hurt my feelings and make me hate it even more here, it's unbelievable. She acts like a teenage girl. She really has some growing up to do. She's very materialistic to. Instead of staying home and cleaning when the house needs to be,(I'm the only one who cleans) she goes out and spends my 400$ child support. Do I even get 20$ out of it? Nope. I swear, she's spent so much money on beauty products, but she refuses to buy me shampoo.
The only bill she really has for me Is my cell phone, and only reason why she even is paying that is because I have to have one to get in touch and she pays for my braces. But that will be payed very soon. It's sad that my boyfriend struggles to take me to school in the morning, and she doesn't even give him a dime for gas money. He does EVERYTHING for me, takes me to the doc, buys me things I need, he even bought me summer clothes because my mom doesn't do things like that anymore.
That isn't his responsibility to do ANY OF THAT. We're not married. Now she keeps talking about how wonderful life will be when I'm gone. What does this woman want? I feel that she doesn't want me there, but needs to keep me around for specific reasons, like me babysitting and cleaning up.
I really don't know what I should do, my boyfriends dad said that we can live with him in Louisiana until we get our own place because apparently it's easy to find affordable homes there. I really want to, and my boyfriend said If she tries to stop you, then just go on ahead and leave since I'm legally able to without being charged as a run away which she's tried to before when she told ME TO LEAVE THE HOME. But anyways. I just wanted you guys to know what kind of woman I have been dealing with for seventeen years. I feel like Im in a super abusive marriage. BUT, DO YOU GUYS THINK I NEED TO LEAVE IF I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE WAITING FOR ME?
NixonRulz
05-16-2013, 07:18 AM
And I thought my mom was a bitch for not letting me stay out past 11:00 growing up.
It's a shame that anyone can be a parent.
And worse when a bad person becomes a parent and has a power complex going on.
If it is legal, affordable and you believe you could make it work with your boyfriend, why would you put up with anymore abuse.
The decision that will weigh on you is once you leave, does all the shit that you have put up with get directed at your sister.
And do you feel you need to protect her?
I'm sure you will choose the right path.
Judie
05-16-2013, 08:15 AM
Amberlove833, If this is what's going obviously it would be healthier for you to not be there. " But" moving to Louisiana with your boyfriend could be jumping from the pot into the frying pan ( bad to worse) He reason I say this is because right now you are in a horrible situation but your sister is there, whom you love. Now you love your boyfriend, I get hat I truly do " but" you are 17, young and attractive girl who most likely will meet and experience so many other people and experiences in the next few years. I know no one wants to hear that, I know my daughter didn't but after two years ( after being tied down to the BF from home when she was in college, she called it quits) She regrets having lost the two years, I don't want you to regret losing 10 years. When and if you move to Louisiana you have really put yourself in a vulnerable position. You will know no one, be unfamiliar with the area and at the same time growing and maturing ( changing). In these years there are so many changes, people grow apart.. If you look at couples that have remained together are few, that's the fact. This is fine and should be like that as people will come and go ( that's a good thing). I have always told kids in your age bracket ( actually any age)what you ultimately look for in a relationship is WANTING to be with someone not NEEDING to be someone. Right now you are in a position of wanting to be with him but in time if you close off other options by living alone with him in a strange area you put yourself in a position of need. You become dependent on him, you have no one else. Also given what's going on now you may already be in a position of need ( for comfort, love and support ) . I know you don't want to hear this and that it would be easier to hear yes leave with your BF etc. My daughter never wanted to hear this stuff either but two years later I get a lot of " you were right". I am not looking for that from you, I just want what's best for you " here's what I think " try to find an adult ( therapist, counselor at school,friend's mom, teacher etc)someone you can trust and build a relationship with. You need a plan for yourself and also a" mediator" someone who will literally "negotiate" between your mother and yourself to come up with a reasonable agreement on attempting to live together until you graduate ( trust me this is critical that you graduate ) One thing people need to understand about life building friendships is critical. Those are the people hat tend to span the years with you. Boyfriends and sadly even husbands aren't always forever. Those people can be transient, they may dissolve as you grow. Friends often grow with you. In many relationships we focus (especially younger people) on passion, sexual chemistry as the barometer( what measures ) the value of he relationship) Now, don't get me wrong chemistry s very important at any age but work on building friendships with your BF and others. Try finding a support groups for teens, as well as continue on here. Ignore hurtful words ( that is their issues , not yours ) that anyone throws at you, you can see we have all be victimized by that on thisForum. Words "just like anxiety"can have a "profound" effect with an incredible belittling impact on our self esteem and words, just like anxiety can also be recognized as BS, hateful slurs meant as weapons to destruct. You need to build yourself, learn that bullying and bad behavior come from a place of learned behavior, someone most likely treated your mother pretty poorly, your dad, her parents ? Bottom line Ambrrlove833 you need an adult in your corner to help guide you. Good Luck, Hang in there. Whatever you decide, stay with us ok. I know the running off to Louisiana sounds reckless and romantic but it could end up being a jail with no escape. Where is your dad and how long have you been with your boyfriend ?
?
amberlove833
05-16-2013, 08:59 AM
Amberlove833, If this is what's going obviously it would be healthier for you to not be there. " But" moving to Louisiana with your boyfriend could be jumping from the pot into the frying pan ( bad to worse) He reason I say this is because right now you are in a horrible situation but your sister is there, whom you love. Now you love your boyfriend, I get hat I truly do " but" you are 17, young and attractive girl who most likely will meet and experience so many other people and experiences in the next few years. I know no one wants to hear that, I know my daughter didn't but after two years ( after being tied down to the BF from home when she was in college, she called it quits) She regrets having lost the two years, I don't want you to regret losing 10 years. When and if you move to Louisiana you have really put yourself in a vulnerable position. You will know no one, be unfamiliar with the area and at the same time growing and maturing ( changing). In these years there are so many changes, people grow apart.. If you look at couples that have remained together are few, that's the fact. This is fine and should be like that as people will come and go ( that's a good thing). I have always told kids in your age bracket ( actually any age)what you ultimately look for in a relationship is WANTING to be with someone not NEEDING to be someone. Right now you are in a position of wanting to be with him but in time if you close off other options by living alone with him in a strange area you put yourself in a position of need. You become dependent on him, you have no one else. Also given what's going on now you may already be in a position of need ( for comfort, love and support ) . I know you don't want to hear this and that it would be easier to hear yes leave with your BF etc. My daughter never wanted to hear this stuff either but two years later I get a lot of " you were right". I am not looking for that from you, I just want what's best for you " here's what I think " try to find an adult ( therapist, counselor at school,friend's mom, teacher etc)someone you can trust and build a relationship with. You need a plan for yourself and also a" mediator" someone who will literally "negotiate" between your mother and yourself to come up with a reasonable agreement on attempting to live together until you graduate ( trust me this is critical that you graduate ) One thing people need to understand about life building friendships is critical. Those are the people hat tend to span the years with you. Boyfriends and sadly even husbands aren't always forever. Those people can be transient, they may dissolve as you grow. Friends often grow with you. In many relationships we focus (especially younger people) on passion, sexual chemistry as the barometer( what measures ) the value of he relationship) Now, don't get me wrong chemistry s very important at any age but work on building friendships with your BF and others. Try finding a support groups for teens, as well as continue on here. Ignore hurtful words ( that is their issues , not yours ) that anyone throws at you, you can see we have all be victimized by that on thisForum. Words "just like anxiety"can have a "profound" effect with an incredible belittling impact on our self esteem and words, just like anxiety can also be recognized as BS, hateful slurs meant as weapons to destruct. You need to build yourself, learn that bullying and bad behavior come from a place of learned behavior, someone most likely treated your mother pretty poorly, your dad, her parents ? Bottom line Ambrrlove833 you need an adult in your corner to help guide you. Good Luck, Hang in there. Whatever you decide, stay with us ok. I know the running off to Louisiana sounds reckless and romantic but it could end up being a jail with no escape. Where is your dad and how long have you been with your boyfriend ?
?
We've actually been friends for almost four years, but decided to take it to the next level early this year. He's always been there for me. And my dad, he's in my life, but he's not my biological father. He adopted me when he married my mother so his name is on my birth certificate so technically he's my father. He told me I need to stand up to her, and 'tell her like it is' but he doesn't understand the fear she has put in me. I can't back talk her. She will destroy me. She can do whatever she wants. She can tell me I can never see my bf again. She doesn't care, that's how hateful she is.
manfromct
05-16-2013, 09:47 AM
We've actually been friends for almost four years, but decided to take it to the next level early this year. He's always been there for me. And my dad, he's in my life, but he's not my biological father. He adopted me when he married my mother so his name is on my birth certificate so technically he's my father. He told me I need to stand up to her, and 'tell her like it is' but he doesn't understand the fear she has put in me. I can't back talk her. She will destroy me. She can do whatever she wants. She can tell me I can never see my bf again. She doesn't care, that's how hateful she is.
Your relationship to your parents have a lot of similarities to other relationships in your life, such as friendship and other types of love. It would not be so much that you would be back talking her, but jsut trying to communicate and tell her how she makes you feel. You can do this constructively and keep in mind that whatever she makes of it, is out of your control. If you want the relationship to work between you two, even with all of the fear involved with confrontation, it should feel right to say what you need to say without making judgement about her parenting skills. Concentrate on your feelings and not hers. The more you do that, the more constructive a conversation will sound. Try not bashing her in the process, but tell her what the results are of her actions and words. If you can pull this off, and she truly feels love for you still as a mother, then she will naturally understand that what she is doing needs control, with the money, with her feelings, etc.
My mothers last words to me were, "You died to me years ago." And I made the mistake of not confronting her with what she said to me, and now over 8 years later I still do not have that connection with her. I have not spoke to her, emailed her, or interacted with her at all. I do not know if she even is still alive and sometimes I think about that and realize it wasnt what she said that broke the relationship off, it is the fact that I believed it and did nothing to change it. Of course, it is not your fault that these thing occur, but sometimes we have to make these decisions in life to make things work because others in your life may be just as confused or feel the same way. Many times when relationships do not work, it is not because of the differences between them....it is because of the similarities. If you do not ever want to confront her and tell her how she makes you feel, and she is the same as you, then she will never confront you in the right manner either. It then becomes a lost hope. So, if you make the move to confront her and be constructive about your emotions and show that you jsut want to be loved and get along with her and that she means something to you still (only if that is how you feel), then she will either accept it and forgive herself, or she wont.
Sometimes even with such hardships, time is the key. I am not sure if this is what you want to do, but the right thing would be to at the least make some closure about your feelings to her in a non-argumental way. That way, regardless of how she feels....you will essentially feel better for breaking that ice. And in the future, it will make your decisions in relationships much easier to control.
manfromct
05-16-2013, 09:52 AM
We've actually been friends for almost four years, but decided to take it to the next level early this year. He's always been there for me. And my dad, he's in my life, but he's not my biological father. He adopted me when he married my mother so his name is on my birth certificate so technically he's my father. He told me I need to stand up to her, and 'tell her like it is' but he doesn't understand the fear she has put in me. I can't back talk her. She will destroy me. She can do whatever she wants. She can tell me I can never see my bf again. She doesn't care, that's how hateful she is.
Unless she is physically abusive or is a threat in that manner, or you let what she says about you hurt your feelings, there is nothing she can do to destroy you. If it does become something physical, seek help quick. If it it more of verbal abuse, realize that the effect of verbal abuse is only if you believe it to be true. I believe you are a great person based on all of the thread you have opened about your troubles and your sincerity to others like you. Do not let her make you feel you are less of a person than you really are.
amberlove833
05-16-2013, 09:54 AM
Unless she is physically abusive or is a threat in that manner, or you let what she says about you hurt your feelings, there is nothing she can do to destroy you. If it does become something physical, seek help quick. If it it more of verbal abuse, realize that the effect of verbal abuse is only if you believe it to be true. I believe you are a great person based on all of the thread you have opened about your troubles and your sincerity to others like you. Do not let her make you feel you are less of a person than you really are.
Thank you. She has physically abused me before. But it's okay
manfromct
05-16-2013, 10:03 AM
Thank you. She has physically abused me before. But it's okay
As long as you feel that you can pull through it, that is all that matters. I do wish you the best! I know what it is like to lose a mother :(
amberlove833
05-16-2013, 04:13 PM
Thank you . :)
Judie
05-16-2013, 05:33 PM
Ok Amberlove833. I am very glad that you have a dad in the picture, that you appear to get along well with and your younger sister, those are good things. She can't destroy you, not of what she says is true and you have an advantage here, you have people telling you that her words aren't the truth. Some of us may not have had the support you, so it was easier to be entrapped by the abuser. You have a boyfriend, dad and most likely younger sister that are telling you it's garbage and that in fact love you very much. Make a conscious decision to believe them and not your mother. I am glad that you have a close friendship with your BF, but I do believe you're both too young to move to Louisiana with him. Your dad lives with you or are they divorced ? If they are divorced is there any way you could live with him,or another relative ? Abusers tend to abuse others once they have lost their prey. Does/ did she ever treat your dad like that or your younger sister ? If you are afraid of this woman or even entertain the thought that she could destroy you, you need to seek help from an experienced adult. Were you close with you mom prior to this or have you always been at odds with each other ? Hang in there Amberlove833, you're getting older, maturing, going through lots of changes. All good just keep telling yourself that people support you and believe that you are a very worthy young woman with a bright future. You simply can't in life let another's person opinion of you define you.
amberlove833
05-16-2013, 08:02 PM
Ok Amberlove833. I am very glad that you have a dad in the picture, that you appear to get along well with and your younger sister, those are good things. She can't destroy you, not of what she says is true and you have an advantage here, you have people telling you that her words aren't the truth. Some of us may not have had the support you, so it was easier to be entrapped by the abuser. You have a boyfriend, dad and most likely younger sister that are telling you it's garbage and that in fact love you very much. Make a conscious decision to believe them and not your mother. I am glad that you have a close friendship with your BF, but I do believe you're both too young to move to Louisiana with him. Your dad lives with you or are they divorced ? If they are divorced is there any way you could live with him,or another relative ? Abusers tend to abuse others once they have lost their prey. Does/ did she ever treat your dad like that or your younger sister ? If you are afraid of this woman or even entertain the thought that she could destroy you, you need to seek help from an experienced adult. Were you close with you mom prior to this or have you always been at odds with each other ? Hang in there Amberlove833, you're getting older, maturing, going through lots of changes. All good just keep telling yourself that people support you and believe that you are a very worthy young woman with a bright future. You simply can't in life let another's person opinion of you define you.
She's just bitter. When people do things she doesn't like, she feels like she has to go above and beyond to get revenge. Like with my dad for instance, she was just doing nasty things to him after he left the house like going on craigslists and writing things about him in the 'rants and raves' categories. Writing statuses on fb, cutting him off our Heath insurance, and he has a skin disease called psoriasis and now he can't get the medicine he needs to keep it under control so now it's slowly covering his entire body and will probably kill him. Does she care? No.
She's even said she hopes he dies which hurts me so badly. How can someone be so hateful and selfish? He does so much for me, and still gives my mom child support which she blows on personal items that she doesn't need. She's very money greedy.
She wants every one to do do do do, but won't give one once back. That's just how she works. She's 40 years old, and my dad is 50. He tries to get along with him, but all she wants is the check.
She also tries to find ways to take my money. (The very little I usually do get comes from boyfriend or dad, or birthday money) if I make a mistake weather it's forgetting to put an item back, or not wiping off the counters, and if she knows I have money she will tell me to give her all my money for the ONE MISTAKE. One time I accidentally forgot the wipe off the counters after I cleaned the kitchen and I was going that day to pick up 100 dollars from the doctor because I ran some tests for a research program and she knew I was going to get that money, so she told me when I get done I need to give her the 100$ for not wiping the counters. :(
Re
Judie
05-16-2013, 09:06 PM
Oh yes bitter she is. Could you live with you dad is that possible. You truly do need to talk to someone who may be in a position to help you. If your dad is paying that money is legally mandated to go for you and sister's support. That means your clothing, food, personal expenses etc. Try to stay focused on things that bring you joy, that make you happy like your dad, your sister, BF and friends. Your mother seems very unhappy. The whole craigslist and FB thing is pretty evident of a lover scorned attitude. So your dad left her ? If she has that kind of bitterness, she certainly isn't in a good place about the divorce, lots of anger. As I said before when people are miserable, they often bully or tear down others to build themselves up. But she can only effect you, if you allow her to. You know where her anger is coming from. It isn't about you, don't allow her to make it about you. Time will pass, you have a limited amount of time left there. God not wiping the counters $100.00, Wow I would be a millionaire around here LOL now that's something to smile about. Hang in there. Talk soon. Abusers lose interest when they can't effect you...walk away and don't back talk in any way, it will only make matters worse. Try to think of someone, a teacher ? that you can confide in. Talk Soon, Be safe <3
princesskj
05-16-2013, 09:23 PM
So sorry your going thru this;( feel free to message me anytime.
amberlove833
05-17-2013, 12:40 PM
Thanks guys. I'm hanging in there. I'm just going to wait until I'm 18. Till I'm officially an adult. Right now I'm kinda in the grey area, or in the in between of an adult and I minor so right now it isn't a good time.
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