Hello

[manfromct]

Hey all. My name is Jason. I just joined a few minutes ago and I'm pretty much on here jsut to get answers and try to help others as well since I have been through many different stressful situations in life. If you have any questions you want to ask me, and I can help....send me a message. That's what I am here for :)

[amberlove833]

Hey Jason! Welcome!

[Lin]

Welcome Jason and thanks for offer of help, good of you.

[manfromct]

Thanks Guys :) Hope I can, just ask. Been through a lot myself and if you want to know what exactly, I can tell you my experiences too.

[Lin]

Would be good to know what you have been through so we can understand what you have experienced, but only if it helps you by getting it off your chest and on to the Forum.

[manfromct]

Would be good to know what you have been through so we can understand what you have experienced, but only if it helps you by getting it off your chest and on to the Forum.

Gladly :) And yes it will help me get some things off my chest too! lol. SO, for a list of things that I remember that has shaped my emotional outlook on life is here (not really in order, just typing it as I recall them):

1. My best friend was shot in the head in front of me at age 6
2. My parents divorced after 23 years by telling us in the livingroom before school one day
3. My father physically hit me and tried to kill me twice, once by breaking a broom stick and trying to stab me with it, and the other by trying to run me over with the car through the back yard.
4. I came home from school one day and my father was choking my mother to death and I attacked him and told him to never come back there (this was while I was a junior in high school)
5. When I moved to Kentucky, I ended up living in a run down non-operant convienent store, because we had no home. Our walls were made of bed sheets, but the great thing was the store was made from stone so the storms were not bad :)
6. We lost the store as a home and was homeless for a few months
7. After moving into my grandmothers property in a trailer, I went to mcdonalds one day and came home and the tralier was half way burnt down. I lost all m=pictures but about 12 of them, that I finally got from my mother over 10 years later. Again, we were homeless.
8. We stopped being homeless because we moved into the attic of my grandmothers house.
9. My best friend that was a girl at that time had her leg shot off in her bedroom by her boyfriend in front of me, and I stopped him from killing himself and her.
10. On my 11th birthday, my father came to my grandmothers house and beat me up on the concrete porch in front of the family and then left cause we didnt invite him since he tried to hurt me before.
11. A guy named Jesse molested me and made me do things to him when I was little, which I didnt think obthered me until I went to therapy and actually felt comfortable talking about it, then it hit me how much it really messed me up.
12. I was almost picked up by a tornado in my front yard while playing soccer with my sisters friend. We didnt hear it coming, but I held onto a tree and was ok after, and then it ripped my neighbors roof off lol
13. I had my big toe stabbed by a horseshoe steak and it still keeps me from bending my foot all the way without pain lol
14. I had a hole in my forehead from a dining room table falling on me and smashing my head in the floor
15. I had over 3rd degree burns on my stomache and hands from falling onto an unprotected kerosene heater and burning my skin off.
16. I had a shooting at my high school where 3 of my classmates were killed, two on site and one at the hospital.
17. Military (nuff said) Special operations and submarines. Lost someone in my division and another on a command of our group. They had to stuff him in a freezer until we got the body home. I was injured by being stabbed in the back and ruined my career as a potential officer after receiving many awards, ribbons, and a few medals of accomplishments only to have them thrown away and still go to physical therapy today, 10 years later and can barely pick my children up.
18. My ex wife, whom I jsut had a divorce with on April 11th this year after 10 years of marriage, cheated on me twice during the last 3 years (that she admitted at least). Luckily we have joint custody so that is somewhat fair, even though she is jobless and my income supports her still even though she is with another man already.
19. My mother told me on the phone on day that i was dead to her because she got into an arguemnt with my wife while she was pregnant with our first child. I have not talked to her since......adn now my daughter is 8 years old.
20. My grandfather commited suicide by drowining himself in the pond int he backyard after my uncle and me and my father found him first in the bathroom cutting his wrists. A week later they let him out, and that is when he drowned. Nedless to say, it was a closed casket funeral.
21. My grandmother passed last year while I was back in Kentucky trying to patch things up with my father. I never patched things up because the first thing he said to me was asking me to take him to the liquor store (drinking was the reason he tried killing me before)
22. I was diagnosed with major depression, I have PTSD, I cant get out of bed some days where I have to call the fire department to come get me up, even though I am a fit 188lb guy (becuase of my back injury), and I take medication for stress, anxiety, pain, etc etc etc which I have been experimenting with different kinds of medicine for years.
23. My boss at one of my last jobs tried to sexually harass me which I had to turn into a state case which I lost because it was his word against mine so I lost my job at 18/hour.
24. Ive worked in the military, as a pizza guy, a manager at office max, a manager at mohegan sun casino, a data collector for three different revaluation companies, sold cell phones at radio shack, worked plowing snow during the winters, and worked as a janitor for over 5 years on and off being made fun of constantly by other departments, and now I run an online business, go to college full time, have my kids 3/5 days a week on average, hobby write blogs for health and wellness, have a girlfriend now that has dumped me once already and came back and now we are just i dont know right now...kinda just exist with each other which she has a child from another guy too and is trying to get on her feet, and I do not have a full time job other than my business and I am currently collecting unemployment from my last job for running out of money to pay me anymore, and I struggle everyday with pain from my back still and regret not making amends with my mother but know she is done with me anyway, have two sisters that always want money from me, and my kids call me by the guys name that is dating my ex-wife sometimes.

Needless to say, I have been through a lot in life, which Im sure many others on here have their stories as well so Im not the only one, but since you asked, I feel it was right to share some of my memories over my life.
There has been only three great memories in life that come to mind today.....1. My military experience in the beginning of training before I got hurt because I was a solid recruit and received my first medal before I even got out of boot camp 2. My marriage at the beginning because I found someone who actually cared about me (at least for a while) and 3. my children being born (so technically 4 memories because they were born two years apart). Other than that, I have no real good memories of my life yet because of certain distractions in life and skills I have learned over time and programs I have joined and followed and all the silent thinking I have been able to do over the years, I love who I am and wouldn't change myself for the world. I love my children and care for them very well, and thats really all i require at the moment other than the need to help others who may have experienced similar situations as myself. I left out a lot of details, but you get the idea :)

Hope that helps to understand what I have been through in life so far. There is more, but I typed this fluently so I remember a few other things, but my hands hurt from typing now and its after 1am where I am lol. Im gonna hit the rack :)

[manfromct]

Gladly :) And yes it will help me get some things off my chest too! lol. SO, for a list of things that I remember that has shaped my emotional outlook on life is here (not really in order, just typing it as I recall them):

1. My best friend was shot in the head in front of me at age 6
2. My parents divorced after 23 years by telling us in the livingroom before school one day
3. My father physically hit me and tried to kill me twice, once by breaking a broom stick and trying to stab me with it, and the other by trying to run me over with the car through the back yard.
4. I came home from school one day and my father was choking my mother to death and I attacked him and told him to never come back there (this was while I was a junior in high school)
5. When I moved to Kentucky, I ended up living in a run down non-operant convienent store, because we had no home. Our walls were made of bed sheets, but the great thing was the store was made from stone so the storms were not bad :)
6. We lost the store as a home and was homeless for a few months
7. After moving into my grandmothers property in a trailer, I went to mcdonalds one day and came home and the tralier was half way burnt down. I lost all m=pictures but about 12 of them, that I finally got from my mother over 10 years later. Again, we were homeless.
8. We stopped being homeless because we moved into the attic of my grandmothers house.
9. My best friend that was a girl at that time had her leg shot off in her bedroom by her boyfriend in front of me, and I stopped him from killing himself and her.
10. On my 11th birthday, my father came to my grandmothers house and beat me up on the concrete porch in front of the family and then left cause we didnt invite him since he tried to hurt me before.
11. A guy named Jesse molested me and made me do things to him when I was little, which I didnt think obthered me until I went to therapy and actually felt comfortable talking about it, then it hit me how much it really messed me up.
12. I was almost picked up by a tornado in my front yard while playing soccer with my sisters friend. We didnt hear it coming, but I held onto a tree and was ok after, and then it ripped my neighbors roof off lol
13. I had my big toe stabbed by a horseshoe steak and it still keeps me from bending my foot all the way without pain lol
14. I had a hole in my forehead from a dining room table falling on me and smashing my head in the floor
15. I had over 3rd degree burns on my stomache and hands from falling onto an unprotected kerosene heater and burning my skin off.
16. I had a shooting at my high school where 3 of my classmates were killed, two on site and one at the hospital.
17. Military (nuff said) Special operations and submarines. Lost someone in my division and another on a command of our group. They had to stuff him in a freezer until we got the body home. I was injured by being stabbed in the back and ruined my career as a potential officer after receiving many awards, ribbons, and a few medals of accomplishments only to have them thrown away and still go to physical therapy today, 10 years later and can barely pick my children up.
18. My ex wife, whom I jsut had a divorce with on April 11th this year after 10 years of marriage, cheated on me twice during the last 3 years (that she admitted at least). Luckily we have joint custody so that is somewhat fair, even though she is jobless and my income supports her still even though she is with another man already.
19. My mother told me on the phone on day that i was dead to her because she got into an arguemnt with my wife while she was pregnant with our first child. I have not talked to her since......adn now my daughter is 8 years old.
20. My grandfather commited suicide by drowining himself in the pond int he backyard after my uncle and me and my father found him first in the bathroom cutting his wrists. A week later they let him out, and that is when he drowned. Nedless to say, it was a closed casket funeral.
21. My grandmother passed last year while I was back in Kentucky trying to patch things up with my father. I never patched things up because the first thing he said to me was asking me to take him to the liquor store (drinking was the reason he tried killing me before)
22. I was diagnosed with major depression, I have PTSD, I cant get out of bed some days where I have to call the fire department to come get me up, even though I am a fit 188lb guy (becuase of my back injury), and I take medication for stress, anxiety, pain, etc etc etc which I have been experimenting with different kinds of medicine for years.
23. My boss at one of my last jobs tried to sexually harass me which I had to turn into a state case which I lost because it was his word against mine so I lost my job at 18/hour.
24. Ive worked in the military, as a pizza guy, a manager at office max, a manager at mohegan sun casino, a data collector for three different revaluation companies, sold cell phones at radio shack, worked plowing snow during the winters, and worked as a janitor for over 5 years on and off being made fun of constantly by other departments, and now I run an online business, go to college full time, have my kids 3/5 days a week on average, hobby write blogs for health and wellness, have a girlfriend now that has dumped me once already and came back and now we are just i dont know right now...kinda just exist with each other which she has a child from another guy too and is trying to get on her feet, and I do not have a full time job other than my business and I am currently collecting unemployment from my last job for running out of money to pay me anymore, and I struggle everyday with pain from my back still and regret not making amends with my mother but know she is done with me anyway, have two sisters that always want money from me, and my kids call me by the guys name that is dating my ex-wife sometimes.

Needless to say, I have been through a lot in life, which Im sure many others on here have their stories as well so Im not the only one, but since you asked, I feel it was right to share some of my memories over my life.
There has been only three great memories in life that come to mind today.....1. My military experience in the beginning of training before I got hurt because I was a solid recruit and received my first medal before I even got out of boot camp 2. My marriage at the beginning because I found someone who actually cared about me (at least for a while) and 3. my children being born (so technically 4 memories because they were born two years apart). Other than that, I have no real good memories of my life yet because of certain distractions in life and skills I have learned over time and programs I have joined and followed and all the silent thinking I have been able to do over the years, I love who I am and wouldn't change myself for the world. I love my children and care for them very well, and thats really all i require at the moment other than the need to help others who may have experienced similar situations as myself. I left out a lot of details, but you get the idea :)

Hope that helps to understand what I have been through in life so far. There is more, but I typed this fluently so I remember a few other things, but my hands hurt from typing now and its after 1am where I am lol. Im gonna hit the rack :)

Oh, and I forgot to mention because I do not like talking about it much but since Im on a forum that people understand I might as well put it out there.....I have had knifes at my wrists multiple times and attempted suicide a few times as well as having thought and dreams about it a lot over the past decade. The attempts I found out were merely cries for help and attempts to find who really did care about me in my life because I thought the ones who cared would help me. Needless to say...no one ever did. But I am ok with that now because I know now that I shouldn't have put anyone in that situation in the first place.

[jacqui]

Life is so hard for me as i suffer from ocd. But reading what you hve been through how did you have the courage to go through all that. Can i ask u when u think of any of the mentioned how do you stop the thoughts. Did meds help i hope u dnt mind me asking.i wish i could find strenght and courage to turn the negatives into positivea

[shaikhrahuf]

Will pray for buddy, I hv seen many others suffering.. best of luck..

[scared44]

Wow you've been through so much! Welcome to the forum :-) It's a good place to vent ect!! Take Care

[scared44]

Oh, and I forgot to mention because I do not like talking about it much but since Im on a forum that people understand I might as well put it out there.....I have had knifes at my wrists multiple times and attempted suicide a few times as well as having thought and dreams about it a lot over the past decade. The attempts I found out were merely cries for help and attempts to find who really did care about me in my life because I thought the ones who cared would help me. Needless to say...no one ever did. But I am ok with that now because I know now that I shouldn't have put anyone in that situation in the first place.

Can I ask what medication your taking?

[scared44]

Can I ask what medication your taking? Also do you have anxiety ect as you didn't mention it in your post! Hope your doing well.

[manfromct]

Life is so hard for me as i suffer from ocd. But reading what you hve been through how did you have the courage to go through all that. Can i ask u when u think of any of the mentioned how do you stop the thoughts. Did meds help i hope u dnt mind me asking.i wish i could find strenght and courage to turn the negatives into positivea

First off, thank you all very much for the support! Ill be praying for you all too! Jacqui, one thing I will tell you that helped me through is change. My life would always be changing. I went from living in one place to another, changing schools and starting over, and many other changes inside that occurred during all of the younger years things I went through. I feel that because of those changes and the fact that I am a person who likes change, I was able to find the two worked together and it got to a point where when something did happen, I knew things were gonna change so I started to think fresh, if that makes sense. For instance, when we became homeless I thought about finding another place. When my friends were shot, I thought about since I couldnt change their deaths, that I could change the way I looked and judged people. I always was a person who tried to look at the good things so that helped me personally. What made it difficult is that we naturally try to control things that we dont have control over instead of accepting them when they happen and moving on. When my dad tried killing me the first time, I ended up living with my best friend across the street three houses down for a while. We went to school together, jumped on his trampoline every day after school and listened to music all the time in his room. It was a change and i had a great time with him because of what happened. Without my father doing what he did, me and my friend would not have been as close. Thats the way I see things. I know I cannot control a lot of what has happened to me, so I accept it and move on. I dont really have a choice, right? What I used to do is dwell and look for support. I would purposely cry to see who would come give me a hug because I thought I needed that. I never needed that, I wanted it. I encourage everyone who reads this to watch the movie "The Encounter". It is on Netflix, or you may be able to rent it at redbox or something. The way that movie makes me feel is the way I was able to change my thoughts about suicide and the past things that i mentioned above in the post yesterday. It is those changes that occurred in my life that made me who I am today and I am strong. I am a Cancer, so I naturally want attention to my feelings and want to feel loved, but if you do not love yourself first, there is no one else that will do it for you. I found that out the hard way through my marriage and divorce. But I DID learn! That is the key. Pay attention to the changes in your life and realize that most of it is out of your control and accept the things you cannot control and embrace the things you can, and just do you......no matter what kind of differences you may make in the future, as long as they are good changes. The programs I have been through helped me understand a lot of that and open up to the idea that I knew all of this all along, but I didnt accept it. I didnt accept my friends being taken away, my injuries, my parents, or anything before that. I always felt it was all my fault because I naturally felt selfish and wanted attention. I wanted to be blamed because I enjoy change in my life. I do not like drama, but I like to encounter it so I can fix it. I used to be so scared of everything and everyone because of what happened to me over the years. Now, I know who I am and I accept who I am even though I do have thoughts now and then and I do get depressed still and anxious and start breathing hard for no reason, etc etc. I am able to control it by doing steps, and remembering what I went through is in the past and I am still here and thats really as simple as it gets. I do not look for riches, or fame, or support anymore. I am by myself in a two bedroom apartemtn and my kids come see me when I get them and my girlfriend is on and off with me and it doesnt bother me because the kids and myself will always come first and I prioritize my time, my efforts, and my emotions because I know now what is important and what I can and cannot change. So personally, for me.......it was all about change, really. Once I accepted it, I got better. Not healed completely because there are some things I do still to keep everyone in order, but I feel better knowing all of this now. The great things is, I am no different than you or anyone else going through these things. I feel lonely, suicidal, depressed, worthless, happy, sad, angry, and everything else. But the key to me feeling better than I used to was the programs, the therapists, and the life changes that did occur that made me realize I need to concentrate on me first and once I did that I made myself happier (without making others miserable in the process), and was able to enjoy life better. Again, I have a LOT of hard times still, but not as bad as thyey used to be. Over time, some of this will come natural to most of us. If you notice, youthful years have more emotional changes than elders do. This is due to wisdom that you learn over time, but everything else is in your hands.

[manfromct]

As long as you do not try to control life, things will work out. It is like forcing someone to love you and suffering the results. It never ends well. if I have to pay a bill, I pay it. If I have to fill up the gas tank in the car (something that used to be hard for me to do because of my anxiety) I get it over with. I go grocery shopping on my own now because I have no choice. I used to have stop and shop ship it to me, but now I can go in the store and get out just fine most of the time. When I can't, I stop....do my excercies and Im good. I dont care what people think about me standing there. I have seen things in the military that makes you forget about what people think of you or anyone else anymore, so I remember the things Ive seen and it helps me not feel like Im being watched, or yell at drivers for not using their turn signals, etc. I pay attention to it now and I make it a challenge and when I accomplish staying calm, I reward myself with ice cream from mcdonalds or something like that. Im mean hey....we are all kids at heart still right? Same concepts work today ;) Hope that helps!

[manfromct]

Also do you have anxiety ect as you didn't mention it in your post! Hope your doing well.

Of course! Im am taking Vicodin for my back and flexeril for my back, and I am seeing two therapists from the VA and doing acupuncture 3 times a month, and I take buPROPion for my depression and anxiety and I take over the counter medicine from a health store for iron and anxiety and stress management. I have major depression, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and physical injuries as well as carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel in the same arm. I lose feeling on the right side of my body now and then due to nerve damage, and I do yoga to help with blood flow. I use a program called panic away, and I use a program called time management expert course to keep myself in line with my business and social interactions. I go to school full time in college, I have my kids half the time, and I do other things to keep my mind busy so I feel better about myself at the end of the day. That is pretty much everything I do in a nutshell every month, every week, every day. I am very busy and I make things work.

[manfromct]

But my biggest medicine now is my kids. Maybe that will help put some perspective on life for those who have them as well and enjoy their presence. :)

[Lin]

Mancomfrt - I can't believe what you have been through, I could not imagine even going through one bit of what has happened to you in your lifetime. I think you have done so well to come out of it still feeling good about yourself and your children. I could not believe that I could think I had depression when I read how much you have been through!
I am glad that you felt able to tell your story and I hope that it helped telling it, rather than just because I asked about it.
I hope that you find you can get some help, friendship, support and kindness from people on this forum. Let me know any time you want to talk and I would be willing to.
Lin x