Support Needed

[hedgiemommy]

Hi everyone,

I decided to start chatting on a forum because I think I need some extra support in my life in order to get through this extremely difficult time.

I appreciate anyone's kind words/advice for someone just starting the "finding the right med" process!

It's been an extremely exhausting process and I just feel like doctors don't quite tell you how bad it can be...

It's scary!!!!! =(

[shane bevan]

You are not alone. This is a scary thing to deal with and i am glad i recently got on here.

[hedgiemommy]

there's just so much unknown about it... it doesn't help that a lot of my family doesn't really support me deciding to take the med route.

[shane bevan]

I am in the same place but like someone told me once its your life other people do nor understand how you feel if they havent been there before. You have to walk in your shoes they do not. You have to take care of yourself and do what is best for you

[hedgiemommy]

that's true - thank you so much.

i know it can be a long process and it seems like most of the people in my life don't understand so it's nice to talk to people going through similar situations.

i hope i can find the strength to keep going; the process is draining.

[shane bevan]

Your welcome. Ive been batteling it by myself for a while and ive just got to the point where i needed help. Getting help is by far the best choice i could have made. Its very brave of you to ask for help. You are never alone in this fight

[hedgiemommy]

thank youuuuuu - that's very encouraging... it's definitely what i needed to hear right now.

[shane bevan]

You are welcome. What makes.you anxious?

[hedgiemommy]

Yeah, I've been trying to figure out all my triggers...

Yelling is definitely one. Someone raising their voice at me or even just being stern/yelling at someone else... It could be complete strangers yelling at their children... But that gets me anxious.

I'm in grad school so just the stress of that too.

Umm, I also hate it when people tell me, oh don't worry about it, you'll be fine. If you think today is going to be a bad day, then it will be. That set me off earlier... It's like are blowing me off.

Also I'm so hard on myself so when I'm letting small things get to me, i get depressed.

Recently on meds I've felt like I'm not really getting triggered, but my moods are all over the place from one extreme to the other for no reason.

[shane bevan]

Im in the same place. Its a struggle but a fight that can make a big difference. How long have you been on the meds

[hedgiemommy]

I've been on three different ones in the past two months... All have had extremely terrible side effects and one had terrible withdrawal

[shane bevan]

Oh dang what were they?

[hedgiemommy]

Zoloft, then effexor, now I'm trying Wellbutrin

[shane bevan]

Im on prozac

[DustingMyselfOff]

I don't know much about you or your history but one thing that jumped out at me is that you have been on three (or four) different antidepressants in 2 months? You have to give each one at least 2 months to see if it's going to work for you so it doesn't sound like you've given any of them enough chance to start working. I'm really surprised a doctor lets you keep switching so quickly.

And yes, the side affects can be horrible for the first month or so, but if you can get through them you can usually find that the pill helps a lot once your body gets accustomed to it.

Hasn't your doctor suggested that you give each one more time before trying another one?
Sue

[hedgiemommy]

Well I took Zoloft for about 2 weeks but I was having severe chest pain so I switched to effexor for 6 weeks but then that's where I was holding that knife.

I've only been on Wellbutrin since Wednesday and this was prescribed by a psychiatrist that I was referred to by my general physician after the first two may have been too much for me..

I see the psychiatrist again Tuesday and we'll talk about adding another medicine on top of Wellbutrin.

[Judie]

Hedgiemommy, If someone tells you ( like myself) that if you believe it's going to be a bad day it will be, I'm sorry if that upsets you and I felt the same way when my "severe" Panic Disorder surfaced. I personally come from a place of knowledge and experience. Anxiety is a mind game, it truly is. It's critical that you use your mind to your advantage with positive thought. The whole idea that your triggers are yelling ( talking down to someone) or dismissing your anxiety, blowing you off ( condescending) reflects a common denominator in Anxiety Disorder which is Low Self Esteem which goes hand in hand with depression which goes hand in hand with anxiety. I sincerely hope that it wasn't my post that you felt was either condescending or dismissive. I above anyone know the horrors of a Panic Disorder but I also know the battle well. I remember all to well comments to me like " snap out of it" or " you have to pay someone to listen to you" or " If I am in the same shape as you at 30 I hope someone kills me ". So if you ever get the impression through my posts that I am either condescending or dismissive you are mistaken. The truth is anxiety, depression and anger are all "reactive" to the thoughts in your mind. It's a battle, grad school is tough but maybe it will work in your favor to distract your thoughts. Meds are a wonderful adjunct in treating Panic/ Depression. I used no meds for five long years (not because I was opposed simply because I was afraid of meds at the time, afraid of anything that would/could possibly trigger an attack. I continued to function and work but I basically had no reprieve from the attacks so I was perhaps forced to figure out the disorder through education and observance of how I had gotten to that point. It was hell. So given that I remember it all to well you have my apology if my posts in anyway upset you but I do know that the mind and it's thoughts are your best weapon of defense. Be well !

[scared44]

Zoloft, then effexor, now I'm trying Wellbutrin

Avanza is a great antidepressant I've been on it for over 10yrs now and couldn't live without it!! Before the Avanza I had tried about 15 other antidepressants that all failed me! Hope you have some luck with medications. Take Care ;-)

[Judie]

Hedgiemommy, DustingMyselfOff is correct, antidepressants take time to build in your system. Most of the SSRI's have an initial increase in anxiety,sometimes headaches, vivid dream etc and other " temporary" side effects. This usually settles down within a short time. Wellbutrin is an epinephrine based antidepressant. This one bothered me with an increase in BP given that most people with PanicDisorder are sensitive to epinephrine and caffeine. Prozac is the oldest of the SSRI's and in my opinion one of the most effective ( once it has time, often up to 6 weeks to take effect). I'm glad you have a good Dr. Given that your side effects are so rough. Whatever works for you is wonderful, you'll all find the right match. Good Luck, you'll make progress. Side effects from antidepressants can be horrible, rule of thumb short shelf life act quickly ( Celexa) and come out of your system quickly so very hard withdrawals but physically out of your system quickly. Prozac long shelf life, builds slowly in your system and stays for quite awhile in your system after you stop, so you have to withdraw slowly from all of these 20 mg 10mg 20 mg..etc. next week slowly lower etc..

[hedgiemommy]

Hedgiemommy, DustingMyselfOff is correct, antidepressants take time to build in your system. Most of the SSRI's have an initial increase in anxiety,sometimes headaches, vivid dream etc and other " temporary" side effects. This usually settles down within a short time. Wellbutrin is an epinephrine based antidepressant. This one bothered me with an increase in BP given that most people with PanicDisorder are sensitive to epinephrine and caffeine. Prozac is the oldest of the SSRI's and in my opinion one of the most effective ( once it has time, often up to 6 weeks to take effect). I'm glad you have a good Dr. Given that your side effects are so rough. Whatever works for you is wonderful, you'll all find the right match. Good Luck, you'll make progress. Side effects from antidepressants can be horrible, rule of thumb short shelf life act quickly ( Celexa) and come out of your system quickly so very hard withdrawals but physically out of your system quickly. Prozac long shelf life, builds slowly in your system and stays for quite awhile in your system after you stop, so you have to withdraw slowly from all of these 20 mg 10mg 20 mg..etc. next week slowly lower etc..

Hi Judie! I do not absolutely think your messages are dismissive. I'm here looking for help and trying to get educated - this is all very new to me and the more help I get the better. It definitely is a mind game and one thing I noticed is that I'm extremely hard on myself. I don't know why that is because my parents were always very supportive and loving... but for some reason I still don't feel like I'm meeting certain expectations. I also was in an abusive relationship when I was very young - it was my first boyfriend actually. He verbally and emotionally abused me for 3 years straight. I was lucky to get out of it when he moved out of the state. I consider myself very lucky in the regard that it didn't get physical and that I was able to get through it (I'm currently volunteering at a woman's abuse shelter and some of the stories are so heartbreaking for these women - definitely puts things into perspective).

I've always been struggling with low self esteem... I'm going to try to think more positively - it's easier said than done, but if you think that's one of the best things to do, then I'll definitely try to put it in practice!

Thanks so much! I appreciate all the advice I can get! I'm trying to learn how to manage all of this so I just need to keep trying new things in order to find out what works best for me :)

[hedgiemommy]

Avanza is a great antidepressant I've been on it for over 10yrs now and couldn't live without it!! Before the Avanza I had tried about 15 other antidepressants that all failed me! Hope you have some luck with medications. Take Care ;-)

Wow! You had such a journey!! I'm glad to see you found the strength to carry on and keep trying... I hope, I too, find the strength to do those things as well. I have another appointment with my psychiatrist today so we are going to evaluate me and see what's going on with me.

Thanks so much for you post!

[Judie]

Hedgiemommy, I really believe you will feel better soon. I believe most people that suffer from. A Panic Disorder are coming from. A place of low self esteem, weeks, months, even years of verbal amuse ( broken bones heal, words tend to scar internally, difficult to treat something you don't necessarily see). My verbal abuse was from my brother. It's interesting we had been close growing up. Drugs/Alcohol whatever the catalyst it's not important. What is important is that I always knew I would end up with a great guy in a relationship, I did, I drew the line with what/ what not to allow in a healthy relationship. The irony is I wouldn't take or believe that verbal abuse from a partner but I did from a sibling. I once had a friend ask me why I believed the horrible things my brother had to said to me, she didn't understand why I would have been effected by him yet never give any value to that behavior from others. I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said " Because he was my brother, my family, family protects you they don't say things like " no one likes you, people laugh at you" they just don't say that unless it's the truth right ? Wrong ! Obviously these words aren't true and are simply meant to hurt but hard to convince a battered person of that. Abusers ( self haters with incredibly low self esteem and huge control issues) are very calculated in knowing the depth of someone elses's love for them and exactly how much an individual values themselves, and those are the individuals they target. Slowly but surely they chisel away the remaining self esteem. Panic Attacks are always seen as a separate entity but they truly are an attempt by your mind to take notice off something that is out of balance. The mind and body work hard to keep balance, work in unison. All psychosomatic illness is a message that something is wrong. Panic Attacks are so horrific that it really makes us "stop " and take notice. So in all actuality Panic Attacks are a good thing ( LOL that is a really hard concept to grasp) because in addressing the trigger ( which you have done, especially with the empowering knowledge you gain by working at the shelter :) ) you become a healthier, more balanced individual. The end result, the individual who started this "Journey of Panic" will emerge with strength and self confidence and the knowledge that there is a reason.Figuring out what that reason is can sometimes be tough but once you reach that point you begin to move forward. To me you seem very attuned with what is going on and probably simply need the confidence to" truly" feel that your opinion is without a doubt the most important opinion in the room. Panic Attacks oddly enough are so similar to an Abuser, they are ominous, you simply never truly know when they are going to attack, they debilitate us, widdle away our strength. We look in the mirror and we can't see ourselves any longer, the Abuser has stolen our identity and left us paralyzed with self doubt and fear. How's that for an analogy ? Terrifyingly accurate correct ? But the most important thing to take from this analogy is that just like the Abusers ( the bullies that most likely damaged your self esteem along the way) the Panic Attacks are " Bravado" they will wither "but" only when you stand up to them. You need to literally say and feel. ( just like with a Bully) you are nothing, you do not define me. These panic symptoms are like a bully's words "empty, powerless, they attempt to scare me, but they can't because I no longer fear them. All they have done is taught me that I matter, that no matter how much life, people, tragedies attempt to define me, they can't. You will emerge from this journey knowing what and whom matters, you will recognize love and most importantly you will emerge stronger then you ever deemed possible. You are on a good path, you all are. You are " fixing" things that need attention, that's all. You simply need to stand up to the Bully. Be kind to yourselves !

[hedgiemommy]

Hedgiemommy, I really believe you will feel better soon. I believe most people that suffer from. A Panic Disorder are coming from. A place of low self esteem, weeks, months, even years of verbal amuse ( broken bones heal, words tend to scar internally, difficult to treat something you don't necessarily see). My verbal abuse was from my brother. It's interesting we had been close growing up. Drugs/Alcohol whatever the catalyst it's not important. What is important is that I always knew I would end up with a great guy in a relationship, I did, I drew the line with what/ what not to allow in a healthy relationship. The irony is I wouldn't take or believe that verbal abuse from a partner but I did from a sibling. I once had a friend ask me why I believed the horrible things my brother had to said to me, she didn't understand why I would have been effected by him yet never give any value to that behavior from others. I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said " Because he was my brother, my family, family protects you they don't say things like " no one likes you, people laugh at you" they just don't say that unless it's the truth right ? Wrong ! Obviously these words aren't true and are simply meant to hurt but hard to convince a battered person of that. Abusers ( self haters with incredibly low self esteem and huge control issues) are very calculated in knowing the depth of someone elses's love for them and exactly how much an individual values themselves, and those are the individuals they target. Slowly but surely they chisel away the remaining self esteem. Panic Attacks are always seen as a separate entity but they truly are an attempt by your mind to take notice off something that is out of balance. The mind and body work hard to keep balance, work in unison. All psychosomatic illness is a message that something is wrong. Panic Attacks are so horrific that it really makes us "stop " and take notice. So in all actuality Panic Attacks are a good thing ( LOL that is a really hard concept to grasp) because in addressing the trigger ( which you have done, especially with the empowering knowledge you gain by working at the shelter :) ) you become a healthier, more balanced individual. The end result, the individual who started this "Journey of Panic" will emerge with strength and self confidence and the knowledge that there is a reason.Figuring out what that reason is can sometimes be tough but once you reach that point you begin to move forward. To me you seem very attuned with what is going on and probably simply need the confidence to" truly" feel that your opinion is without a doubt the most important opinion in the room. Panic Attacks oddly enough are so similar to an Abuser, they are ominous, you simply never truly know when they are going to attack, they debilitate us, widdle away our strength. We look in the mirror and we can't see ourselves any longer, the Abuser has stolen our identity and left us paralyzed with self doubt and fear. How's that for an analogy ? Terrifyingly accurate correct ? But the most important thing to take from this analogy is that just like the Abusers ( the bullies that most likely damaged your self esteem along the way) the Panic Attacks are " Bravado" they will wither "but" only when you stand up to them. You need to literally say and feel. ( just like with a Bully) you are nothing, you do not define me. These panic symptoms are like a bully's words "empty, powerless, they attempt to scare me, but they can't because I no longer fear them. All they have done is taught me that I matter, that no matter how much life, people, tragedies attempt to define me, they can't. You will emerge from this journey knowing what and whom matters, you will recognize love and most importantly you will emerge stronger then you ever deemed possible. You are on a good path, you all are. You are " fixing" things that need attention, that's all. You simply need to stand up to the Bully. Be kind to yourselves !

Judie - thank you so much. You hit the nail on the head and sparked some emotion somewhere in my heart. I'm tearing up with happiness knowing that someone understands me and believes me. My mom never believed that I was being abused although I asked her numerous times for help and counseling. Now that I'm older and I see it having an impact on my life, I'm glad I took the steps to try and find help.

I'm going to print out your response because it really touched me!

Thank youuuuuuuuu =D

[Lin]

So pleased for you that Judie was able to help for you.

It is a nightmare when you can't find the right tablets to give you a lift in mood and you have lots of things in your head whizzing round which people don't believe.

Stress of family life etc can be huge and with past stuff to put up with as well, it can be really hard.

Hope they find the right tablet for you soon as it will make such a difference. But in meantime try some meditation etc to try and get some peace and calm in your head, even if for only a few minutes a day.

I am going on a NHS emotion management course soon which is hopefully going to teach me how to stand back and think before I react, whereas at the moment I have learned loads of techniques, but at home I just snap and completely flip and scream. At work I don't, but then I just bring that frustration in my head back home and take it out on my husband instead. So hoping course will teach me to get rid of the emotions rather than bottling them up too.

[Judie]

You are very welcome hedgiemommy, I truly do ""get you" and so goes empathy on the pages of a Forum :) Bruises heal, scars take a bit longer. Hang in there, you are doing far better then you realize.

[hedgiemommy]

I am going on a NHS emotion management course soon which is hopefully going to teach me how to stand back and think before I react, whereas at the moment I have learned loads of techniques, but at home I just snap and completely flip and scream. At work I don't, but then I just bring that frustration in my head back home and take it out on my husband instead. So hoping course will teach me to get rid of the emotions rather than bottling them up too.

Lin! The same thing happened to me last night where I kept in all my frustration at work and then came home and decompressed totally on my boyfriend =( Luckily he is very understanding and knows that I'm going through a lot right now.

Please let me know what you learn in you NHS emotion management course! That sounds very interesting - I've never heard of them so maybe it's something for me to look into as well.

Thanks!

[Lin]

Lin! The same thing happened to me last night where I kept in all my frustration at work and then came home and decompressed totally on my boyfriend =( Luckily he is very understanding and knows that I'm going through a lot right now.

Please let me know what you learn in you NHS emotion management course! That sounds very interesting - I've never heard of them so maybe it's something for me to look into as well.

Thanks!

Will let you know if learning anything good for us, hoping it will just help to keep calmer.

Got home last night and husband in bad mood - but of course all my fault from the beginning not his. So fed up decided I was going to pack a suitcase today with my most precious things in and walk away from family, work and anybody I know so I just start again and not know anyone. So fed up by being judged at work and at home just because have got depression - never seen as normal person now just stressed by work etc, just mentally ill! So unfair, if i had had a broken leg they would not keep judging me.

So up since 1, thought it was 3, but husband got so badly into my head last night can't sleep. And first week back after second knee operation and gynae operation, I feel like I am on probation after having done the job for nearly 13 years because new boss says I showed signs of mental illness when I went back in December after first knee operation. No recognition at all of stress I was under because new boss working totally different to old boss, failure of IT systems so had to work to midnight one night inputting 13 pages of appointments into diary, and new person in office decided not to work with the other 3 of us and refused to talk to me.


So unfair, if she had not known I had been off with depression she would have just thought I had been stressed like anyone else would have been. She can only quote a phone call where I showed signs of mental illness and since not told at time of call I can't defend myself. Also said others said I was showing signs of mental illness but they liked me too much to tell me.

So already been told that had she not known me for 2 years as a director, if she had been new external chief executive, she would have got rid of me. And now back if can't stay calm at all times then she will have me redeployed! But I have done the job for 13 years, been there 19 years, so someone coming in after 2 years is not going to get rid of me easily, I am determined if I or she decides I have to give up the job then it will be on my terms not hers! Not letting her treat me so badly just because had depression and anxiety.

Nice thank you for all my hard work, but done me a favour work not important to me any more and going to try to enjoy home life, meditation groups and new peer support group I am starting up this week so much that work is really low down in my head, rather than my only focus since my illness started.

So all good fun - how we get treated once had mental illness!

Just need to get my husband better at home and home life would be better too!

[Lin]

I can't stand noise of any kind, nor can I stand criticism - so completely understand how hard these two things are for you.

I hope you can learn from people on this forum how to help with your anxiety so that you can start enjoying grad school. As you say if think going to be a bad day it will be, so perhaps if you learned to do some form of calming meditation before you leave home in the morning you would start the day off better. Just sitting quietly for 5 minutes concentrating on your breathing and letting thoughts just float through your head and not let them stay, can make you calmer for the day ahead. I never thought it would help me but I do 5 minutes breathing meditation every day lately since been bad and not been able to do any other meditation for any longer, and it does make a difference.

Always here if you want to PM and chat.

[hedgiemommy]

Hi Lin,

That is quite the post. I'm not really sure what to say but I will say that I'm very proud of you for drawing the line at all the criticism and judging.

It's so unfair for people to make assumptions about us and our illness when they haven't walked in our shoes. We are already going through enough, we don't need or deserve the verbal abuse on top of it.

And I don't think employers can let you go for suspicion of mental illness. Can't you sue them if they fire you for things like that? Also, that's so wrong for threatening to let you go after so many years of hard work you've put in. People just see mental illnesses as such negative things when they are uneducated about it.

You're a very strong person, obviously. You've endured a lot and are still standing strong. Surround yourself with positive thinking and supportive people.

Stand strong and remember we are always here for you!

[scared44]

Wow! You had such a journey!! I'm glad to see you found the strength to carry on and keep trying... I hope, I too, find the strength to do those things as well. I have another appointment with my psychiatrist today so we are going to evaluate me and see what's going on with me.

Thanks so much for you post!

Your most welcome :-) and I hope your medication starts to work for you! If you ever need to talk, vent ect please PM me ok. I've been suffering panic attacks, gad, social phobia, food phobia and depression for nearly 28yrs now (long enough). Anyway welcome and I hope you get all the support you need. xx

[Lin]

Work such a pressure on head. today someone had tantrum in office tonight and I can't stand it. Just don't need it and worried anything go wrong in office then boss blames me at moment. Boss in head all time just pressure and struggling to handle it.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Wow, Judie.... do you do this for a living? If not, you should!

This part of your recent post really hit home with me:

Because he was my brother, my family, family protects you they don't say things like " no one likes you, people laugh at you" they just don't say that unless it's the truth right ?

Gee, need I wonder any longer why I've been having panic attacks and tics from a very young age? Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. I will bring this up with my therapist next week.
Sue

[Lin]

Hi Lin,

That is quite the post. I'm not really sure what to say but I will say that I'm very proud of you for drawing the line at all the criticism and judging.

It's so unfair for people to make assumptions about us and our illness when they haven't walked in our shoes. We are already going through enough, we don't need or deserve the verbal abuse on top of it.

And I don't think employers can let you go for suspicion of mental illness. Can't you sue them if they fire you for things like that? Also, that's so wrong for threatening to let you go after so many years of hard work you've put in. People just see mental illnesses as such negative things when they are uneducated about it.

You're a very strong person, obviously. You've endured a lot and are still standing strong. Surround yourself with positive thinking and supportive people.

Stand strong and remember we are always here for you!

Yes, I have been told that it is discrimination for someone to be told that they have been working and showing signs of "mental illness" when in fact they have been doing the job well and just showing normal signs of stress when things have gone wrong in the job that other "normal" people would have shown.

I am determined that my new boss is not going to redeploy me or win. I have talked to previous bosses, one who is a barrister, and he has told me to make sure that I log all that was said when I returned and also anything which is said to me now. He said to seek legal advice and not to work any harder but continue to do the job but make sure that I have evidence that I have been doing the job properly and that this is discrimination.

I have decided that if I can't make it with this new boss or she starts to look like she is going to get rid/redeploy me then I will go off long term sick, got lots of physical and mental reasons why the job is too pressured for me if I need to, and then I will make sure that I have enough evidence against what she has done, and to prove that I was working well and just under normal stress previously, so that they have to pay me off.

I have been told by my old bosses that future employers will understand the reasons I have had sick during this period and would still employ me, and that the references I can get from previous bosses etc will mean that I can get another job and not even have to worry about this current boss.

So angry, frustrated, constantly fighting stress and depression at work because of way being treated, but determined to continue as long as possible, logging everything and if I can't make this job work with this new boss, then I will have to leave it but under my terms and I will win in the end.

So determined, at least when I am feeling OK, but really getting to me at home when I let it get to me.

So unfair and being discriminated against.

Lin x

[Judie]

Yes, I have been told that it is discrimination for someone to be told that they have been working and showing signs of "mental illness" when in fact they have been doing the job well and just showing normal signs of stress when things have gone wrong in the job that other "normal" people would have shown.

I am determined that my new boss is not going to redeploy me or win. I have talked to previous bosses, one who is a barrister, and he has told me to make sure that I log all that was said when I returned and also anything which is said to me now. He said to seek legal advice and not to work any harder but continue to do the job but make sure that I have evidence that I have been doing the job properly and that this is discrimination.

I have decided that if I can't make it with this new boss or she starts to look like she is going to get rid/redeploy me then I will go off long term sick, got lots of physical and mental reasons why the job is too pressured for me if I need to, and then I will make sure that I have enough evidence against what she has done, and to prove that I was working well and just under normal stress previously, so that they have to pay me off.

I have been told by my old bosses that future employers will understand the reasons I have had sick during this period and would still employ me, and that the references I can get from previous bosses etc will mean that I can get another job and not even have to worry about this current boss.

So angry, frustrated, constantly fighting stress and depression at work because of way being treated, but determined to continue as long as possible, logging everything and if I can't make this job work with this new boss, then I will have to leave it but under my terms and I will win in the end.

So determined, at least when I am feeling OK, but really getting to me at home when I let it get to me.

So unfair and being discriminated against.

Lin x

Lin, That's horrible, I'm from the U.S., that wouldn't fly here. The courts would definitely be in your favor given that your boss is in actuality making a sick person sicker. Try not to take this home with you. For your own health and well being try to separate home and work.it doesn't deserve anymore attention then you are forced to give it at work. Be Well !

[Lin]

Lin, That's horrible, I'm from the U.S., that wouldn't fly here. The courts would definitely be in your favor given that your boss is in actuality making a sick person sicker. Try not to take this home with you. For your own health and well being try to separate home and work.it doesn't deserve anymore attention then you are forced to give it at work. Be Well !

Thanks Judie for your support. Unfortunately every time I think I have work sorted in my head something happens and it comes flooding back at weekends and evenings to ruin home life and make me do stupid things because want peace from the constant pressure.
After two weeks back at work yesterday was the first time new boss felt like she was working with me and did not ask me if OK, push me about breaks or anything, and even bought me a cake. Not sure what I did different but it was so much better.
Yesterday I did give my boss a list of my trigger points at work and the solutions we have worked out for some of them, one of the triggers was the constant pressure of being asked if stressed and why so I am hoping that she will take the hint and stop.
However, logging everything I do on a daily basis, and anything said to me, just in case it does go all wrong and boss starts to look like trying to replace me or get me redeployed, but not easy when also in my head want to stay in the job and make it work with her.
The problem is trust - I was taught 32 years ago that as a PA you have to have trust, respect and loyalty on both sides for a boss/PA relationship to work. After what has been said it is really hard to know what level of trust I can reach with new boss to enable me to stay and do the job.
Can't get it out of my head at moment at all, even when meditating and trying hard.
Going on a retreat this weekend so hoping that being away from wifi and outside world for 4 days will help me to get some relaxation and peace in my head.

[Judie]

Thanks Judie for your support. Unfortunately every time I think I have work sorted in my head something happens and it comes flooding back at weekends and evenings to ruin home life and make me do stupid things because want peace from the constant pressure.
After two weeks back at work yesterday was the first time new boss felt like she was working with me and did not ask me if OK, push me about breaks or anything, and even bought me a cake. Not sure what I did different but it was so much better.
Yesterday I did give my boss a list of my trigger points at work and the solutions we have worked out for some of them, one of the triggers was the constant pressure of being asked if stressed and why so I am hoping that she will take the hint and stop.
However, logging everything I do on a daily basis, and anything said to me, just in case it does go all wrong and boss starts to look like trying to replace me or get me redeployed, but not easy when also in my head want to stay in the job and make it work with her.
The problem is trust - I was taught 32 years ago that as a PA you have to have trust, respect and loyalty on both sides for a boss/PA relationship to work. After what has been said it is really hard to know what level of trust I can reach with new boss to enable me to stay and do the job.
Can't get it out of my head at moment at all, even when meditating and trying hard.
Going on a retreat this weekend so hoping that being away from wifi and outside world for 4 days will help me to get some relaxation and peace in my head.

I think the retreat sounds like an excellent idea. Sometimes we Anxiety People need a break from all the " White Noise and Chaos" to balance our own thoughts. All the extra stimulus short circuiting our frazzled nervous systems, so not healthy. You are from England, so we have different terminology . What is a PA ? Is that like an Executive Assistant here or something else ? Have a wonderful relaxing weekend. I hated menopause so much, my blood pressure was horrible, mood swings, anxiety, migraines...just lousy :( but it does end :)

[Lin]

Some PAs in England are called Executive Assistants and it is the new name over here. The old fashioned word is secretary and that is the basis of a PA's role with a few bits added on.
The retreat was good and got me away from work pressures but my husband came too this time and it did not prove so successful together as I had hoped. Although we both found time to relax.
I am going again in three weeks time on my own and already looking forward to the break from pressure again.
The courses you can go on and the retreat can vary greatly with the topic, skill of the facilitator and who happens to go at the same time as you and this can also make a difference to hiw good the retreat is for you.
But the community at the retreat and lovely location on the coast of the retreat helps you to relax just by its own magic and peacefulness.

[Judie]

Some PAs in England are called Executive Assistants and it is the new name over here. The old fashioned word is secretary and that is the basis of a PA's role with a few bits added on.
The retreat was good and got me away from work pressures but my husband came too this time and it did not prove so successful together as I had hoped. Although we both found time to relax.
I am going again in three weeks time on my own and already looking forward to the break from pressure again.
The courses you can go on and the retreat can vary greatly with the topic, skill of the facilitator and who happens to go at the same time as you and this can also make a difference to hiw good the retreat is for you.
But the community at the retreat and lovely location on the coast of the retreat helps you to relax just by its own magic and peacefulness.
That sounds wonderful glad you are heading back sounds like the break by the sea is just what you need. Be Well