Me vs. Anxiety, Round 1

[new to anxiety]

Up until about 3 months ago I had never experienced anxiety before, at least not to the extent I do now. Sure I've been nervous but it was always situational. I had also never experienced a panic attack. About 3 months ago I got the flu, first my kids had it, then my wife, then it was my turn. No problem, relax for a few days, break a fever or two and get on with life right? Well at the end of my flu, I got a bad cough that wouldnt go away. So one evening after work I come home, grab some dinner, and sit with my wife to watch a movie for a bit before I settle in for some A & P homework. As I sit there as relaxed as could be I noticed my heartbeat seemed very fast for being relaxed, so I checked it. 126 bpm just sitting still. Whoa!, thats not normal. I started to feel kind of a tingle in my back, and just an uneasy feeling all over. I got up, drank some water, paced a little, and then thought I'd check my B.P. 168/95. Whoa! again. I run 120/80 like a machine usually. Now I freak out, somethings wrong. Hearts racing, hard to breathe, palms sweaty, pale face, shaky... thats it I'm dying!!!! ( Didnt know it then but that was panic attack #1.)

I tell my wife I think I need to go to the E.R. Now she's freaked out because I never go to the doctor. I havent been to a doctor since my heart surgery 2 1/2 yrs ago. Granted I'm young to have had that done,( I'm 35 now ) it's never really bothered me. I was born with a valve I knew would need fixed someday, someday came, got it fixed, on with life. By the time we get to the hospital all was well, vitals normal, etc etc. They don't get it, I was just dying 30 minutes ago! A chest x-ray reveals a slight case of pneumonia.....well, that explains it, give me some meds and I'll be on my way. I lead far too busy a life to be sick.

For the next 4 days I felt like a million bucks ( before tax ), back to work, school, volunteer at the fire department, wife, kids, etc etc. Same old me. Then Friday I'm on my way home from work and I get that "feeling" again, like the night I was "dying", my heart was racing, sweaty, clammy, all of it. Why!!! It wasn't as though I had just encountered some big stressor or anything. I walk in the door, my wife takes one look at me and says, "whats wrong, you look pale." I say I feel like I did last week. This time I don't rush to death, since last time I was fine by the time I got to the hospital so lets just calm down. Take a shower, breath, take one of her anxiety pills she still had from last year, nothing helped. I took a short nap ( pill made me sleepy ) and woke up just as amped up and jittery as ever. I have never felt like this, I am scared. Given my heart history I can't help but always think somethings going wrong there. What if the pig valve is wearing out, what if theres a leak, what if, what if, what if. I was just wrapping up my second quarter of Anatomy and Physiology so I'm accutely aware of all that can go wrong. Thats why ignorance is bliss I suppose, if I didn't know so much about the body, I wouldn't have so many what ifs. Again I didnt know then but that was panic attack #2.

After 4 hours of feeling horrible I decide to go to the hospital again, last time was just pneumonia it turned out, but this time I really am dying, imminent death, feeling of impending doom, goodbye cruel world! NOPE, once again by the time I get there my vitals were back to good ranges. DAMMIT, I'm starting to feel like the car that acts up until you take it to the mechanic, only in front of them does it run just fine!!!! As luck would have it the same E.R. doctor was working and she recognized me. "Back again" she says. So I tell her my story, she listens to my heart, does an ECG, nothin. All is well with me and my heart, and I have no proof that I was inches from death twice now!!!

This is getting long so I'll break it up in chapters, but, I just wanted to get this out there. It has helped me to read some of these postings and know that I haven't gone off the deep end. To be continued...............

[Ahlstrom]

Sorry to hear that man! Welcome to the world of Anxiety Disorder... one of us! one of us! one of us! one of us!

I (and I'm sure most people here) have been at the hospital stage. Freaked out and an EKG reveals we're fine, although your brain tells you otherwise, you definitely haven't gone crazy. My first few months with anxiety were definitely the toughest, with the use of medication, therapy, or a mix of both you can reduce your anxiety to almost zero! I'd recommend reading PanicCured's thread "The Quick Guide to Stopping Panic Attacks" as well as any threads that look relevant to you, you can really learn a lot to help you cope here.

[Lin]

Panic attacks and anxiety are terrible things to handle and you have to find your own way of managing them by reading and listening to all the advice you can find and then find the one that works for you.
I am certain being on this forum will help you, just realising that you are not alone helps.
Make sure that your doctor is helping you all he can by getting you the mental health care that you need to help you with your problems.
It sounds like your wife will be supportive of you which is good, so she will be able to help you if you keep talking to her and explaining how you feel and how she can help you. It is great while your husband/wife/partner still has compassion for you, it is when it has gone on so long that they lose that compassion that it becomes really difficult, so try to keep her on your side for as long as possible. If she struggles in the end too try to get her carer support so that she is helped and then can help you too.

[new to anxiety]

Thanks Lin and Ahlstrom. This whole process has been eye opening for me. Once I came to the realization that it was anxiety I felt better just being able to fill in the first blank in the problem solving equation; Identify the problem! By the way Ahlstrom, actually Googling info brought me to Paniccured's thread " techniques i used to overcome my panic-anxiety disorder." I actually put the link in my favorites and when i'm feeling anxious I pull it up and read it again. It was mind blowing for me. I was reading it again yesterday when I decided to join this forum. I had no idea how common this condition is and yes, it does help to know that others have walked or still walk the same path i've found myself on. I don't wish misery on anyone but it's nice to have people that really understand. Misery loves company right?