New Member - Not doing well today

[Sean1976]

Quick back story point form (This is over 2 years)
- Separated & Divroced from ex wife of 10 years, 15 total together
- 2 beautiful daughter 6 & 3
- The cause was my moods & my ex wife affair with former best friend (got pregnant)
- went through major therapy for depression and anxiety
- discovered my moods where from an long term anxiety disorder and depression through therapy that was unnoticed for well over 10 years. Also came to the realization that i really did not love my ex. I settled in the relationship and just let it go. I wasnt getting what I wanted out of the relationship and I was not giving what she wanted either.
- Met a beautiful women & and got engaged

I thought I had recovered and had learned to deal with my anxiety issues, however for the past several months they have been creeping back up on me. I went back to my Dr, who once again put me on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds.

I went back to therapy where they are now doing cognitive behavior thearpy. I am hoping that this will atleast get me back to the point where i was feeling better about myself.

Of course this is now cauing stress on my relationship as she does not fully understand anxiety or depression. says she does but really does not and does not cope well with it either.

She is heading to Flordia with her daughter and a friend and her daughter on Friday (10 - 17). Of course we want to see each other before she leaves, however last night I asked if she started to pack and she said no, she will do it Wed / Thurs night. Well that would mean that there will be very little time for "us". Bascially me coming over after work and sitting on the couch while she packs. Not exactly quality time spent together before leaving your fiance for a week.

Anyways, today is a major depressed today for me and i can already feel the anxiety building up within me. I just want to throw my garbge can and walk out of work get in my car and drive. Dont really care where I go or end up. I just have this flight feeling within me right now and hate it.

I want to tell my Fiance how I am feeling today, but I just cannot express that to her. I have trouble telling her I am going through these emotions and nned help. Instead, I reach out to other friends or strangers (loveshack) for support. I know that sounds so stupid, but that is the way it is with me.

Anyways, hopefully someone will respond and atleast I can have a convo to try and calm my anxiety and uplift my spirits.

Feel free to ask any and all questions

[redsoccer12]

When I first started reading this it sounded like my bf's story. I understand your feelings about thinking she doesn't want to spend the only hours left before she leaves with you. But part of our dysfunctional thinking makes us take everything personally. And this promotes our unstableness. We all need to find a way to talk to our partner. Communication is the only way to help. Best of luck.

[Sean1976]

Communnication and me, do not mix well when I get like this. I tend to go silent, and I know this is wrong. Therapist is starting CBT with me so I can change this action, but that does not happen until Sunday.
Reaching out to friends and strangers helps, but sometimes i get all the emotions back and go silent again just before I walk through the door, and that is never a good thing.

I really hate doing this to myself and to her as I know its not her fault, yet I am hurting her and what little time we do have left before she leaves.

I have had to ask 2 co workers to keep an eye on me as I feel the anxiety building and i just have this flight urge. get up and leave work and who cares if I come back. Get in the care and just drive. The mind is racing, and i know its only a matter of time beofre I start thinking about her leaving and whats she's doing. I am sure the negative thoughts will overcome the positive ones of her having fun with her daughter at Disney

[redsoccer12]

I hear you. I feel like disappearing lately. Leaving everything and everyone including my three kids. It's almost to the point of being an embarrassing thought. And shameful too. Breathe. Deeply. Try to hear the positive words she says in your mind. Even if you have trust issues...repetition breeds belief in small portions.

[Sean1976]

Im trying with the positive thoughts, I really am. The negaitves are just so strong.

The trust issues are completley a different issue, and she knows all about it and does give me reassurance.

Im not sure why I jsut cannot open up with her, im still trying to figure out what I am so afraid of in doing it. Her becoming overwhelmed with my issues and saying I can deal with this and leaving?

When I do get silent, it normally lasts a few hours then I will open up, but thats not until after I have destroyed our evening. I nromally come out of my shell when we are in bed, I wake her up to ell her whats going on. How do you just open up and say, babe, im feeling like this today because X. I can do it with other, just not her.

[NixonRulz]

Sean - you need to separate yourself from the anxiety.

You aren't worried or afraid that she is going to Florida, your anxiety is telling you to think that way.

Understand that the two ate different. Choose not to react to the bullshit your anxiety dishes out.

When I begin to obsess on a thought, it ales me a moment to realize it

Then I just tell myself that my anxiety is showing its ugly head. I just don't react to it

It seems so easy yet is hard when you are stressed.

If you are like me, the reason you aren't comfortable talking to your girl is because you feel it will show weakness.

If she is the one, she will get it, accept it and grow strong with you

Hiding it from my wife had her believing I was leaving her and my boys.

When I finally broke down and told her my true life story, she boo hoo'd her eyes out and said she never felt closer

I am past this disorder for years now but I have some battle scars that I wear as a badge of honor

Stop giving so much credit to a disorder that is just trying to trick you into thinking irrationally.

When you have a headache, say my damn head hurts. When you think irrational thoughts, say I have anxiety

Separate this from you

You got this

Tell her you love her. Give her a big kiss and allow her to go guilt free and think positive things about you.

Then call your buddies and go to the strip clubs while you can. : )

[Sean1976]

Thanks NixonRulz,

Trust me, I know all of this and I just need to get myself to the point where I can do that. I'm def hoping the CBT works on me.

I will give her that Kiss Fri morning, tell her i love her and have a great week. WHile she is away, ill be working on me with the therapist to ensure when she is away and when she gets back that i will hug her, kiss her and tell her I missed her and ask about her trip with enthusiasim.

[Sean1976]

Well I left for work, and she is on the road to the airport. After a very rough drive to her house from work last night (2 hours, normally 30 mins), and her having to stay late at her office (normally leaves at 4 didnt get home to 7) I was not in the best mood, and my mind already started saying our last night together is ruined. I knew she still had packing to do and I just kept thinking we have 3 hours before bed and she will spend most of that time upstairs packing while im sitting onthe couch alone. I think she saw what this was doing to me and packed for about an hour then said she would finish in the morning instead. I was screaming with happiness inside of myself but could not show that to her. I made a decision, that I would not let the anxiety / depression get to me for the remainder of the night and I def would not let it get to me first thing in the morning.

I gave her a big hug and a kiss, told her i lover her and how much she means to me. Told her I am so looking forward to her getting back and for the day we get married. I let her know, that I want her to have fun and not to worry about me and how I may be feeling at home. I told her that I would not let this get to me, it will be tough but I will not go silent on her or be moody with her when she calls or texts me. I do not want to ruin this trip for her. She needs it badly and deserves it.

Like i said earlier, i am seeing my therapist on Sunday and also have an appointment on Wed evening. I think these 2 appointments will help me get through this week. I can count on work takign my mind off of things either, its adding more stress to my already depressed state.

I know I can get through this week, and I am determined to do it for myself and for her. We both deserve me being in a better state of mind.

[Kevcules]

Good job! Keep up the strong willed attitude and you will do just fine!

Take Care.....

[NixonRulz]

Sean - that's called controlling your anxiety and not the opposite for a change.

Feels good, right?

Whether you know it or not, you just sucker punched anxiety in the gut

Way to go, Rocky

[Sean1976]

Well the weekend went well. Kept myself busy and thoughts right to a minimum. The problem however started Sunday at noon when I went to my therapist. I know she (Therapist) is trying to work with me through these things, but I dont know if on purpose or by accident she put thoughts into my head. She (Therapist) told me, that I have no control over my thoughts, you cannot change them. I also cannot control what she (Fiance) is doing in Florida (having fun with daughter / friends, is miserable without me, meeting someone, possibly doing something with someone else). As the day and evening wore on, i started to get more on edge. By 4:00am i was in a full blown anxiety attack over the thoughts in my head.

Now at work, i am still on edge, the inside of my body is shaking and once again im in a flight mode. Im not sure if this was a test or not, i learned yesterday that although I cannnot change my thoughs, I can change my feelings and behaviour, its just so hard to do that when you are missing you significant other so much and having these thoughts run through your mind. I was doing great. Why did the therapist have to go and do something liek that?

Hi have my clonazepam with me, but hate taking it during the day at work. It often makes me tired and i have a lot of stuff that i need to get done today, but my mind is not focusing properly.

[Sean1976]

Should I tell her what is going on with me right now? I do not want to ruin her day as they are going to Disney, but on the other hand I know if she contacts me I am going to go into silent mode. This also will get her thinking something is wrong with me. I hate this Sh*t

[hedgiemommy]

Communication is so important!

You said she doesn't fully understand anxiety and depression. My boyfriend and I recently have been dealing with this.

It's hard for them to walk in our shoes when they can't feel what we feel.

However with that being said, she's probably pushing you away a little because it may be a lot for her to handle with the stress of already packing and traveling with her daughters. It's the fear of the unknown that I think gets to a lot of people.

My boyfriend went to a counseling session with me a few weeks ago and I think it helped him understand what I was going through. We talked about triggers of my anxiety and depression and he learned a lot about what sets me off.

Maybe she could come with you to a counseling session and get more educated on anxiety and depression? I think it helps when professionals get involved because it puts others minds at ease knowing that we are getting the help we need.

She obviously loves you! She's probably just scared and needs some time to decompress but never stop communicating! That's the only way you'll help her understand.

Best of luck to you.

[NixonRulz]

Curious how yesterday ended for you

Your therapist is right. You can't change your thoughts but you can change your reaction to them

There will always be something said or you see that can be a new or a previous trigger for you.

Don't look for a reason why you feel the way you do. Your therapist didn't go and do anything to screw your thoughts up

You feel bad because the way you reacted to her statements.

It's quite simple

Stop believing the bullshit anxiety is sending and it gets better quickly

If you and your best girl are meant to last, you will

I agree with communicating in general to your loved ones.

I just don't agree that you need to mention every time you feel uneasy about something.

That would try even the most patient of people.

[Sean1976]

Hi NixonRulz,

Yesterday ended very well. i applied the CBT training that i received from the therapist after talking with a co-worker. By 9:30, i wrote out a list of why my fiance loves me and wants to be with me, then i followed that up with my 3 trigger words that I set at therapy. using those 3 words i formed a sentence that helped me change my behaviours and feelings. I texted my fiance and let her know what was going on with me, and she responded that she was so happy that i was able to break out of my shell and let her know what was going on. She was sensing something but obviously did not want to push me on the matter. The change in my mood did not change immediately, but writing out the sentence my anxiety started to dissapate slowly. Over the next 3 - 4 hours, all anxiety was gone and i was feeling good. i was so proud of myself and that I was able to use the CBT training effectively. i will admit that it did take some help from a co-worker to get me started, but i cannot expect perfection over night either.

my fianace and i texted with one another to about 1 before going to bed. i made sure to aske about her day at disney and to find out how the trip was going. she was so happy that i was showing interest in her trip opposed to be more concerned about my feelings.

i def have a long way to go, but baby steps to begin with. i see the therapist on Thurs, and id really like to find out if this was a test for me. i think i passed, but it did take a lot of effort.

Friday night is 3 days away, and i so cannot wait to have her in my arms.

[NixonRulz]

Great to hear

Glad you're doing so well

[Judie]

Hi Sean1976, I have my theories on Anxiety, I imagine many of us do. My theories are based on observation of my own triggers. Personally my belief is that anxiety, Panic Disorder, social anxiety stem from three direct sources low self esteem as a result of abuse often at the hands of a loved one, stress, unrelentless as a result of grief, separation from someone you love, illness etc or depression. These stressors often go hand and hand resulting in even more profound anxiety. Now, you may have been ok with the end result of your marriage but the fact is you were betrayed by not one but two individuals in your inner circle. Your marriage ended and you very well did come to terms with that and have moved on. But your trust has been broken and that leaves an emotional scar. Physical wounds are easy to recognize and therefore easy to treat. Emotional wounds aren't visible to the naked eye and therefore are " repressed", if we can't see them they don't exist. Well they don't exist until they really begin to hurt and that's when your mind begins to manipulate your body into producing horrific symptoms that make you say to yourself" I am not well, something is horribly wrong". I have no doubt you love your fiancé but I do question whether you have fully healed from the betrayal of your first marriage. This isn't about love, this is about broken trust. Once that has been taken from us it takes time to rebuild. I have no idea when this all took place but a divorce, like a death has a certain amount of grieving time. That is usually five years. The grief you feel doesn't have to be the result of losing the marriage but you mentioned children and that can result in a feeling of loss of the family as you knew it. Now we all know marriages dissolve everyday and children of divorce adjust and you and your children will as well and most probably thrive in your new relationship. I have said before and I will reiterate I only post on issues that I am familiar with. My husband's first wife cheated on him, they too had two small children. He was devastated not by the loss of his wife, which he later realized he had never loved, but by the loss of his family as he knew it I am basically just saying your plate has been full, lots of adjustments. My thoughts are that you may have some trust issues, I know I would. Your new relationship, be honest with her, explain that, talk about the anxiety and what you believe may have triggered it. Don't focus on your symptoms, not to her or to yourself. Your anxiety is most likely a result of the trauma of the divorce which triggered a low self esteem and depression.It's interesting that you describe your anxiety as wanting to flee, get in your car and just drive. I too felt that years ago but I wanted to flee the " problem" not the anxiety. Think about that a bit. Your posts talked a great deal about wanting things to be perfect the night before your fiancé left for Florida and how you were troubled she would just be packing. I may be totally off base here but I am picking up an insecurity. Were you fearful (understandably so after the ex's affair) that this separation would cause a break in your relationship ? Anxiety has a way of making us doubt ourselves, rob us of self confidence. You need to concentrate on positive thoughts. Things in life happen for a reason, most likely the affair and the resulting divorce was the catylyst that would bring you to a better place, if not now then soon. Be kind to yourself and know that between your therapist and the Forum you will find empathy. Your fiancé may not fully understand the disorder but you can explain to her that you are figuring it out and that you are confident that you will emerge with a clear understanding and a bright future with her.Try not to bring anxiety into the relationship too much. You're in love, there simply isn't room for anxiety.When you/we focus too much on Anxiety, we fuel it. Dismiss it, change your thoughts from negative to positive. Don't let anxiety play its control game with your relationship, there simply is no time or energy for it. Come here to vent, people are supportive and knowledgable. It sounds like therapy went well and that you are on a good path ! Stay well and enjoy your Friday Night Reunion with your fiancé !

[SoulfulWhisper]

I get where you're coming from. I want to help you to uplift your spirit. I am new in this forum and I cannot post url until I have 20 posts. I will put in a url that you will understand
www dot connectwithyourheart dot com/gift
by the way connect with your heart is all together.

Hope this helps!

[mid]

Awesome, CBT is helping, and everyone here has shown that moving the focus to managing the situation and using our options to make positive changes in our view does make a difference fast.

Here's to a fun reunion!