JBBarry
05-07-2013, 05:53 AM
I'm finally getting around to telling my story. Hopefully someone may shed some light on it.
Where do I start ... firstly I'm 21.
December 10, 2012. I remember it well because it was the first time I became consciously aware of my anxiety (at the time I didn't know what was happening). It suddenly came upon me one evening when I was on the phone to my girlfriend and then BOOM. For some reason I immediately thought my love for her had disappeared and that this is what it felt like to not love somebody you cared for anymore.
I had been with her since July that year secretly and behind people's backs and everything, bar that, was perfect. She was (and still is) my first proper girlfriend etc. and she's all I've ever wanted.
This feeling I got was physical. It was as if there was a knot in my stomach or a balloon waiting to pop. I told her all about this and obviously she didn't take it well. I got myself so wound up about this that I started spiraling. It made me nauseous to even touch or kiss her and I would dread having to see her. I started questioning my relationship with her (do I still find her attractive? etc.) but I just couldn't believe that I was feeling like this. I literally hated myself for thinking these thoughts. Worst of all, she has her own problems and I certainly didn't want this planted on her too. I began thinking would this feeling disappear if I stopped seeing her?
As I said, I spiraled and spiraled. I didn't go to college for about two weeks because I felt so down in the dumps and physically crap. I began to see a councilor not too long after I first got "the feeling", as I call it. She helped greatly.
I discovered I originally got so down because I just didn't know what the heck was wrong with me! When I discovered I had anxiety (many forms) it calmed me down a lot as I finally had a reason for this feeling. My councilor reckons it all springs back to my parents divorce (it's also in me gene pool) when I was three but that it also ties in with my OCD, my perfectionism and my commitment issues.
Even though all this information was given to me I still found my thoughts racing constantly. So many questions would enter my mind about my relationship and also about life in generally. I'm recently getting over another bad week I had. Same thoughts, same questions. It's like a constant battle inside me. Head vs. "The Feeling".
I have good weeks and bad weeks. It's difficult to explain why they come on but it's mainly due to over powering thoughts that I can't shake off sometimes. I'm currently having a good week thankfully but I always look further ahead and wonder when "the feeling" will strike back.
I apologize for making this so long. The funny thing is I'm sure I've left a lot out! If you have any questions please ask. Even PM me if you'd like. I'll try help as best as I can while still attempting to help myself :)
Thanks for listening.
Where do I start ... firstly I'm 21.
December 10, 2012. I remember it well because it was the first time I became consciously aware of my anxiety (at the time I didn't know what was happening). It suddenly came upon me one evening when I was on the phone to my girlfriend and then BOOM. For some reason I immediately thought my love for her had disappeared and that this is what it felt like to not love somebody you cared for anymore.
I had been with her since July that year secretly and behind people's backs and everything, bar that, was perfect. She was (and still is) my first proper girlfriend etc. and she's all I've ever wanted.
This feeling I got was physical. It was as if there was a knot in my stomach or a balloon waiting to pop. I told her all about this and obviously she didn't take it well. I got myself so wound up about this that I started spiraling. It made me nauseous to even touch or kiss her and I would dread having to see her. I started questioning my relationship with her (do I still find her attractive? etc.) but I just couldn't believe that I was feeling like this. I literally hated myself for thinking these thoughts. Worst of all, she has her own problems and I certainly didn't want this planted on her too. I began thinking would this feeling disappear if I stopped seeing her?
As I said, I spiraled and spiraled. I didn't go to college for about two weeks because I felt so down in the dumps and physically crap. I began to see a councilor not too long after I first got "the feeling", as I call it. She helped greatly.
I discovered I originally got so down because I just didn't know what the heck was wrong with me! When I discovered I had anxiety (many forms) it calmed me down a lot as I finally had a reason for this feeling. My councilor reckons it all springs back to my parents divorce (it's also in me gene pool) when I was three but that it also ties in with my OCD, my perfectionism and my commitment issues.
Even though all this information was given to me I still found my thoughts racing constantly. So many questions would enter my mind about my relationship and also about life in generally. I'm recently getting over another bad week I had. Same thoughts, same questions. It's like a constant battle inside me. Head vs. "The Feeling".
I have good weeks and bad weeks. It's difficult to explain why they come on but it's mainly due to over powering thoughts that I can't shake off sometimes. I'm currently having a good week thankfully but I always look further ahead and wonder when "the feeling" will strike back.
I apologize for making this so long. The funny thing is I'm sure I've left a lot out! If you have any questions please ask. Even PM me if you'd like. I'll try help as best as I can while still attempting to help myself :)
Thanks for listening.