Rebuilding

[lily]

I am new to a forum of this kind but thought it might be a step in a positive direction. I am currently on medical leave from work and school. I suffer from severe anxiety, PTSD, and depression. I have battled these my whole life and within the past 3 years they have become unmanageable. I was abused as a child physically and emotionally, I was raped two years ago and have severe abandonment issues. My way of coping had been to keep busy. I work for a non profit organization and I just put everything I have into it and into everyone else. Why? Because it keeps me out of my own head. Most of the time in my head is not a pleasant place to be. My doctor tells me I run around to avoid everything which I do. But now I am faced with this challenge. Of rebuilding myself. I was hospitalized 2 years ago and attended two different out patient hospital programs. Clearly that didn't do it. I'm lost. I can't eat, I can't sleep with or without meds, I'm depressed. I don't know how to repair what is broken. How do you find out what is broken inside in order to fix it?

[lily]

Also my medication is a nightmare and not finding much relief. Cymbalta 60 milligrams, amitriptaline 25 mg, lorazepam 1 mg 3 x a day finding myself needing more than three on most days while having crisis anyone out there with advice or in the same situation?

[Lin]

I have had bouts of depression because of hormone problems for the last 28 years, and this bout has lasted since March 2011.

In 2011 I was in hospital for 7 weeks and off work for 5 months. Since March 2012 - March 2013 I managed full time work in a pressured job by not having any form of social life outside of work because could only put all my energy into getting through day at work. Then in March 2013 had a knee operation and took leave not sick leave and went back too early, then on 4 March had other knee operated on and 23 April had a gynae operation.

So this time been off sick 9 weeks and since March 2011 I have been so close to suicide, and I have completely wrecked my home life and social life.

But even still here with lots of help from mental health team, with support from a very kind and hard done by husband, and because of my love for my only son.

During this 2 years none of the medication I have taken before has been accepted by my body so now on brand new anti depressant to market twice a day, 8 diazepam a day to keep calm, sleeping tablets. Also they can't get my hormones settled because this time my age so lasting longer, so now trying patches and coil, and then for knees taking two pain killers (up to 10 a day) and a stomach tablet so painkillers don't give me ulcers.

And even with all this in my system still have times when need to call for help because going to do something really stupid.

But hoping to go back to work again on 13 May full time in pressured job, but keep up new passtimes of buddhist meditation every monday, attend an evening peer support group I am helping to start every Wednesday and Christian meditation group every other Thursday. Plus go back to being able to watch live football and cricket like used to, go to do food shopping, go to town and go in shops, start gradually to see old friends for lunch and evenings, and support my son at Uni too who gets stressed and needs me. Also found good lady so going to have regular reflexology. So going back to new boss because old one retired after working for him for 11 years, so new ways of working, learning to work and trust and respect someone new, learning new IT systems and learning to sit in an open plan office, and going back to working normal 8-5.30 with lunch hour, like used to, instead of 7-7 with no lunch hour as done from June to December.

So new life completely - not back to running a cub pack which done for 13 years and founded, or meeting friends every lunchtime and most weekends, no monthly facials which now don't enjoy because panic, not see all my friends regularly like before but only occasionally when can, and getting used to new boss etc at work.

But I am determined I can do it and accept new me and new life and get back some fun, if different, and even if want to give in everything and have peace, I will not because I can't devestate the rest of my son or husband's lives.

So determined I will get used to this new me, new life, and I will continue to live.

Also, I know that I am an individual so on this Forum I will get bits of advice from lots of people which helps me and other advice which won't help me. I will also make some good friends, like done already, or not gel with some and that is OK too. So continuing with forum and help people if I can, get help myself if can, and at least have people to talk to when so stressed can't sleep.