synaptic
07-26-2007, 09:33 AM
if anyone remembers my first post here a few months back, i've had a litany of troubles over the last year and a half that sparked my anxiety to return after years, hitting me like a truck.
...well the saga continues....
work as been drying up at our graphics business. our main client (who we get 98% of our work from) is in trouble and they've been cutting their budget left and right, leaving little work for us and its kept getting worse. yesterday they officially put themselves up for sale. this has left me looking down the barrel of unemployment.
they might get bought by someone who keeps them together, pumps money into the company, and does not require that they use new people for their web and print design, allowing them to start sending us work again. ...or it might go in the opposite direction. right now its all very uncertain and it does not look good. even if things do pick back up again, unless it happens very soon i will still be screwed because i wont be able to afford to continue for much longer with so little money coming in.
my step father found out that there is a job opening at his company, which he put in a good word for me on. i didnt find out what the job even was until yesterday and they need a resume by friday. so yesterday i was feverishly working to get the resume rolling, and i have to get it finished and all the portfolio examples ready by the end of tonight. interviews may start as soon as next week (if i make it that far.)
this would have me leaving our business and returning to the generic 8-5 corporate cubicle life, something i havent done since i was just out of high school, and which i have actively avoided for the last 14 years. (by first making my living as a luthier, then doing graphics and web work.) this is not the direction i had been hoping my professional life would go in, but rent and bills must be paid. and if this doesnt fly, then im probably in worse trouble since i've got no other leads.
i have a small side business desiging music software, which i love doing. some of my software has received good reviews in international magazines, and i've had over 700 sales of my commercial releases in aproximately the past year and a half. (with usually between 5000-8000 downloads of my freeware per month.) but the product prices are very low so that doesnt add up to enough and sales are very inconsistant. i dont have the money to do real advertising so i only get strong sales during times when i've released a new product or i've been lucky enough to get a particularly good magazine review. as a result, i havent been able to make nearly enough to go full time with this business yet and i do not have the backup in the bank to be able to afford to make a serious go at it. additionally, this is a small industry and jobs with established companies are few and far between. so its not likely i will land a gig in my field of choice.
to make matters worse, taking on a normal corporate day job will likely eat up so much of my time that it will further diminish the amount of time i can put into product development and growing my small business. so that will likely suffer too.
so i seem to be faced with the likely demise of my current job, seemingly no opportunity to have the types of careers i really want, and my only/best option right now is going further down a career path i really am not all that interested in following, which may very well damage the one small thing i really do enjoy.
i've worked hard over the years to stay within fields and work environments that i liked. its disappointing, to say the least, to see that slipping away. of course most of my family has always actually thought that i should just stop my "nonsense", shut up, and just join the pointless daily grind like the rest of the world, and never believe in any hopes and dreams. but i've never thought/believed as they do and i've always hoped that one day i'd finally find a way to make a good solid living doing somthing that i loved for the rest of my life (or at least a damn long time, then move on to something else that i liked) and now i feel like i have failed myself once again.
add that to general stress of the situation, then place it all on top of the anxiety that has plagued pretty much every waking moment of my life for 6 months, and you'll know what im feeling.
and for months now, the one thing i have wanted the most was just for this tide of trouble to finally go back out to sea for long enough so that i could have at least a chance of getting a grip on my anxiety and have a shot at feeling human again. but instead it seems like it just wont stop. its a constant flow of trouble, one problem after the other, and it keeps trying to pull me further and further down.
...well the saga continues....
work as been drying up at our graphics business. our main client (who we get 98% of our work from) is in trouble and they've been cutting their budget left and right, leaving little work for us and its kept getting worse. yesterday they officially put themselves up for sale. this has left me looking down the barrel of unemployment.
they might get bought by someone who keeps them together, pumps money into the company, and does not require that they use new people for their web and print design, allowing them to start sending us work again. ...or it might go in the opposite direction. right now its all very uncertain and it does not look good. even if things do pick back up again, unless it happens very soon i will still be screwed because i wont be able to afford to continue for much longer with so little money coming in.
my step father found out that there is a job opening at his company, which he put in a good word for me on. i didnt find out what the job even was until yesterday and they need a resume by friday. so yesterday i was feverishly working to get the resume rolling, and i have to get it finished and all the portfolio examples ready by the end of tonight. interviews may start as soon as next week (if i make it that far.)
this would have me leaving our business and returning to the generic 8-5 corporate cubicle life, something i havent done since i was just out of high school, and which i have actively avoided for the last 14 years. (by first making my living as a luthier, then doing graphics and web work.) this is not the direction i had been hoping my professional life would go in, but rent and bills must be paid. and if this doesnt fly, then im probably in worse trouble since i've got no other leads.
i have a small side business desiging music software, which i love doing. some of my software has received good reviews in international magazines, and i've had over 700 sales of my commercial releases in aproximately the past year and a half. (with usually between 5000-8000 downloads of my freeware per month.) but the product prices are very low so that doesnt add up to enough and sales are very inconsistant. i dont have the money to do real advertising so i only get strong sales during times when i've released a new product or i've been lucky enough to get a particularly good magazine review. as a result, i havent been able to make nearly enough to go full time with this business yet and i do not have the backup in the bank to be able to afford to make a serious go at it. additionally, this is a small industry and jobs with established companies are few and far between. so its not likely i will land a gig in my field of choice.
to make matters worse, taking on a normal corporate day job will likely eat up so much of my time that it will further diminish the amount of time i can put into product development and growing my small business. so that will likely suffer too.
so i seem to be faced with the likely demise of my current job, seemingly no opportunity to have the types of careers i really want, and my only/best option right now is going further down a career path i really am not all that interested in following, which may very well damage the one small thing i really do enjoy.
i've worked hard over the years to stay within fields and work environments that i liked. its disappointing, to say the least, to see that slipping away. of course most of my family has always actually thought that i should just stop my "nonsense", shut up, and just join the pointless daily grind like the rest of the world, and never believe in any hopes and dreams. but i've never thought/believed as they do and i've always hoped that one day i'd finally find a way to make a good solid living doing somthing that i loved for the rest of my life (or at least a damn long time, then move on to something else that i liked) and now i feel like i have failed myself once again.
add that to general stress of the situation, then place it all on top of the anxiety that has plagued pretty much every waking moment of my life for 6 months, and you'll know what im feeling.
and for months now, the one thing i have wanted the most was just for this tide of trouble to finally go back out to sea for long enough so that i could have at least a chance of getting a grip on my anxiety and have a shot at feeling human again. but instead it seems like it just wont stop. its a constant flow of trouble, one problem after the other, and it keeps trying to pull me further and further down.