Just need to get it out

[Alex010096]

My girlfriend and I are on a break right now. My anxiety is peaking awfully because I have no control over where we go from here. I want to be with her, but she has feelings for someone else as well as for me.
I don't want to feel so panicky and out of control, but I can't seem to get a grip on anything. My girlfriend and I live together and even have animals together. We were engaged before this all went down. I am just finishing up exams in university and was already feeling high levels of anxiety which triggered depression for me.
I wish that life could just give me a break, you know?

[alankay]

Yeah this is one of the biggest stressors for anyone. Romantic woes. Have faith Alex, in this gigantic world, there is someone for everyone and like it or not we have have to deal with this kind of thing at some point. I've found if you always hang on for a better day, it does come if you hang in there long enough. This is part of life. Chin up and hang in there no matter what. Alankay

[Alex010096]

Thank you, Alankay

[Nelly]

True alankay. Chin up. Also appeals to me in my finishing up thesis situation.

Sounds tough what you're going through Alex.
Is your break primarily due to your anxiety feelings you think?

[Alex010096]

My break is not of my control. My girlfriend developed feelings for someone else :/

[Nelly]

Ok. I know how hard that is. It'll all work out for the better for the two of you. If u get back together or not. I have tried but I never succeeded in forcing something to be there, that wasn't.
Good luck with exams.
I also think this forum is super. Feel like we have a lot in common even though we dot know each other . It's like 'out there' in the real life, I can't be really honest with people about my anxieties, beside my boyfriend who feels similar.
but with others i feel ashamed of them. I joined this place recently because my boyfriend and I decided we should stop talking about these subjects. He said I distroyed his attraction of me and that he started seeing me like a victim or a patient.
And I was also sort of playing that role actually. But now we just stopped talking about this, and I feel so much better. But just because I can write in this forum. To get it out like you say.

[Alex010096]

Thank you, I'm all finished exams now :)

I hope that it doesn't strain your relationship to avoid talking about certain subjects? We're all here for you in the meantime, of course.

[Lin]

Pleased you have finished your exams now, and that worry is out of your life for now.
Relationships are very complicated and can ruin your life while they are going wrong. If it is not of your choosing that you split up, it makes it all the harder to carry on and get over it.
However, life does move on, and without you realising it if your partner has decided to find someone else then the decision has probably been made for you, and you need to start looking at life without them and start doing some new things and meeting some new people. People who will just be friends for a while and be kind to you and have some fun with you. Do not jump straight into something else heavy and hard going, have some fun for a while.
It will all happen one day and the right person will come along, probably when you are not even looking. Even when the right person comes along, it will not be all plain sailing, after many years of married life I assure you that you have to work at relationships forever.
So please try and move on like your partner is doing and start to enjoy your life, especially now you have lost the stress of exams.
Even if you tried by just joining one club, sport etc, it would be a start for you.

[Alex010096]

Thank you for the advice, Lin :)

[Nelly]

Hi.

Today i handed in my masters thesis! :)what a relief but also - out of the blue does this pressured feeling come sneaking into my subconciousness... ! Like a sadness and a terrible loneliness.
I don't feel like I am right. I mean I feel like I am a wrong person.
How weird is that ? How and why do I feel like this?!
When I see how -I Believe - my supposedly student buddies are acting when they finish : they are just happier and have a lot of friends. I actually just feel sad because I feel like I don't have what they have.
...
Hmm... I don't really want many friends in big groups. I stresses me out and I feel trapped. But still I am such a baby, that I just want what the others are playing with. !!
Argh!!! I makes me feel so sick of my self. And embarrassed.
I feel so ashamed that I don't have the same kind of friendships - as I imagine!- 'cool' people are having, that I hesitate a bit if I should invite two girls that I have started to get to know, over for a celebration dinner on Thursday .
They have only met each other once, I had informed some people tha i call friends... that there was a clothes outlet at my cousins place. And if any body wanted to go. These two girls did, so we met up and went there. It was relieving for me that they came because of the clothes, and not for me. ... At least that was my thinking, and that kept my anxiety down.
Because if have this fear of people who start to appreciate me or something. I really want that sweet feeling of being accepted and cared for - counted in, but still I get so terribly afraid when it starts to happen.

We had a good day. There was a lot of people in my cousins living room and I knew half of them peripherally. I was kind of okay with the situation. I felt it was my decision that I would not let the inner beast tell me 'you're useless, give up' that day. Whenever it came up, I just took some deep breaths and allowed my self to have a peaceful feeling. Something like, allowing my self not to be affected by what others might think of me.
Something loving my self with a kindness you would show a child acting silly.

...
So, it was nice to feel that I was present and honest in that - otherwise - terrifying situation. I felt it was a victory, and I have started to collect those :)

I imagine I am building up a stock house with those. A big barn full of memories of situations where I was truly myself.
That's living my life a d exploring my full potential as a person this glimpse of a moment that we have in this planet - in this body at least;) sorry for preaching my home brewed-buddist- pocket philosophy!
BUT back to my story - I felt the two girls were also enjoying each others company. When we said goodby, i felt enthusiastic and it burst out- 'lets have dinner some time the three of us".. And I continued rambling on about the new place I moved into, and that there is a garden and we could barbecue, and blabla... And they sort of nodded and 'yeah yeah, sure okay'.
Haha! And now I feel a bit ashamed that I just burst something like that out and that they were just not exactly at the same wavelength at that moment.

So what I was feeling at that time, I think, Is that it was I who was starting up a friendship. Like I was the one, in that situation, who was the first to express: you inspire me, i came about you, lets see each other more often.

Now I feel afraid my enthusiasm will disappear and that I won't be able to be natural if I invite them in Thursday.

What if they reject my friendship-thing that I have expressed? I feel ashamed for having expressed my true emotions to others.

Or vulnerable, that's the word.

But when others do it, i love it, and think its the best.

I should probably invite them, don't you think? :) and if they won't have a good time, it was just what it was.
We can't go through life without getting hurt and feeling let down, can we?
It's so difficult to live out your own advices!

My loneliness today though is somewhat different. What it made me think today, that I would like to hear your views on aswell, if you feel like talking about it, is this embarrassing and spoiled question:
Is it because my mother spoiled me with appraisels while growing up? And my father avoiding. And just spoiled me too with things and kind words? - 'you and your brother are the most important in my life'. The got divorced when I was ten, and have always spoke badly about the other to us kids.
'Argh, now you're just like your mum, she always did...!' Etc etc ...
Confused ? Yes, I was. Am. Now I am 29. Still tryin to get over a spoiled childhood with parents saying 'we also want the best for you kids.'

Okay thank you., Maybe sole selfesteem would be nice...

Is my anxiety today caused by me being soiled and where they never said 'hey, you have to stand up and fight' when I would be bullied at school. Instead my mum said 'its such a petty. They r just envious because u are such a pretty girl'.
Bla!
What a useless thing to say, I think. Distorted my perception of my self. Giving me godlike ideas about myself and also total failure If I didn't live up to those ideas.
So I faked it. Faking my self. Hiding myself ugly inner -True-!!! And therefore--truly beautiful self----!! Inside some silly perfection box that gave me social nxieties because no body should see the real me.

So that's my (interpretation of my)story. !
Felt good to have written it.
My sadness has evaporated a little bit now.
Thank you fellow persons - lets be true, shall we?
When I am not alone on venturing into that sweet land of allowing my self to be strong and honest, then it's easier.

I think it's okay to feel vulnerable. Just an idea ... did you watch the TED talk on vulnerability? Okay will end this note now... kindness from Denmark

[Alex010096]

Hi,

I have a similar background with my parents, who divorced when I was a toddler. They hated each other, and eventually my Dad stopped coming around for me. I definitely feel like I was spoiled growing up, but I got a lot of mixed messages. Do you feel like the mixed messages you got from your parents treatment toward you and each other has affected you, making you more anxious?
I think you should definitely take your own advice :) it's very good advice, really. Sometimes you just have to throw yourself into situations and hope for the best. If it's not the best, then there was still a chance for it to be. I might be writing kind of cryptically here, but you get the picture.
Anyways, congratulations on writing your thesis :) I'm about to graduate and I feel the same kind of deflation you're talking about. What am I if not a student?
Anyways, thanks for the thoughts and for sharing! I'll have to check out that Ted talk.

[Nelly]

Sounds like we are having similar experiences with this social phobia. Yes, I think the mixed messages from my parents has influenced a lot on my struggles with being me, today.

How are you dealing with your social phobia today? Are you in therapy or taking medication?

[Nelly]

Another good question you ask - how are you if not a student?

It has always annoyed me, that I felt a pressure in society that everyone should have an identity. I believe I am such a weird person that I get a lot of indirect and unspoken reprimands from people .
Connected to my past, I think that's why I feel like a snail curling up in my house. I've learned my lesson, just don't come out. Only to the few nearest.

But I want to learn to come out more often.

Can you also relate to this?

How do you relate to the people nearest to you? Do you have groups of friends or more one on one?

Do you also know the feeling of getting a reprimand from 'the extroverts' or other introverts taking a superior position in the conversation for some reason?
I totally feel there is a hierarchy in 'how many people from uni do you know' and 'which connections to whom is this person able to maintain' and that kind of stuff. Do you experience the same in social situations where you go?
Well, I have a lot of questions...I feel quite in despair these days.

I don't know who I am, because I get these avoidance desires. I just want to stay in my garden alone or go into the woods. Never seeing anybody or having to be confronted with the "real?!" Me. ... ? I don't like my self in most social situations. I get stressed and feel awkward.

But some situations I like.
Maybe that's what knowing yourself is about?
I sincerely want to have those two girls over for dinner.

And why is that? When I at the same time fear this coffee-

[Nelly]

Ups :) ...coffee-date that I made with this pretty social type of person.

...
She's from uni and she is pretty close to the other super social normal types of people from my thesis-office.

And these people have made my anxieties come out again pretty strongly.

So why am I meeting her? I think I am trying to be the social type.

I can sense tha she too has something hidden underneath the surface, and that's what I think is interesting.
But I have know her through uni for two years now and she hasn't shown me. She just shows off her social skills with others. Like look how good I am at this social stuff etc.

You know that kind of people?

[Alex010096]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by reprimands. However, I often feel that others hate me simply to be told that they are having a bad day. I'm a super-sensitive introvert and I think, like you, I need to have reminders of how people like me ( I think you said something similar before).
As far as social groups go, I much prefer one-on-one. I usually spend time with people who ask me to, and almost never bring up plans myself. I knew almost no one going through university and would usually be alone.

[Lin]

Shame not to able to enjoy university and worth trying anything so you can. Try any therapies or advice or help offered you and something will help you. Persevere with some remedies like tablets because they take a while to be of use to you.