Loosing the battle

[jessy]

I am suffering really badly yet again with severe depression & anxiety & yesterday I became so angry & full of rage for no reason at all .
I couldn't stop myself I screamed & shouted & was biting down on the tv remote control to the point of breaking it . I then but through a glass !

Never in my life have I lost control to this point . I've suffered since I was 15 years old , I'm now 32 , I have 2 children & a husband .

I'm so so ashamed of my outburst & feel so sorry for my husband who witnessed it all .

I honestly can not remember what it's like to feel happiness it's been a life long battle & I'm finding it increasingly hard to live with .

I've tried loads & loads of diff meds , I am currently on dosulepin 75mg & lorazepam 3-4 mg a day . I've tried everything , c.b.t , c.a.t , hypnotherapy , been in hospital in a mental health ward (that was hell) & of no help what so ever . I have come to the sad conclusion that in fact there is no help on the nhs .

I know I have to keep going & learn to accept it & I do try very hard every single day .
I lost it yesterday & it's scared me .

[Lin]

I have struggled with my hormones throughout my life so monthly cycle PMT, post natal depression several times, pelvic inflammation disease many times, and now problems because of age so clinical depression and anxiety. Throughout our 28 years of marriage I have had these things regularly and I scream so loud my husband has to shut the windows, and I bang my head against the wall, been in normal hospital loads and mental hospital twice, had so may tablets, tried herbal remedies, HRT, tried and had lots suicide thoughts, etc etc Throughout it all my husband has coped the best he can and my son has learned about my bad times.
I know it is hard for us going through it but it is even harder for family watching and not being able to help. But we just have to keep trying new things to try to help ourselves get through the bad times and be able to have some good times.
I have started going on NHS and mental health courses which teach you lots and it is great to meet other people to talk to who have various illnesses.
I have also started meditation and found it really helps, The groups are good where you meet a variety of people, the teachings just make sense to help enjoy life, and the head space from meditation is brilliant and something you can learn to do every day on your own to help you daily. I go to a Buddhist and Christian group - so different ways of meditating, one guided and one silent concentrating on a word, and you don't have to believe in any religion or practise any religion because both teachings just make good sense.
So hang in there, you sound very similar, perhaps hormones are a problem for you too and hormone imbalance surfaces in many ways.
It might be worth you thinking about finding something like meditation or yoga to give you some head rest, a break from the family, and something to help you be more calm.

[SueWith2]

i think the hardest part is when you feel alone with it..thats why i looked this place up. im sorry you are having a hard time. you can talk to me if you want. and rembember... your struggles are not who you are.

[Lin]

Thank you. I am always on here to talk to. Especially at night at moment. Off work at moment because of operations but when back at work I come on here in the evenings. It is really good not to be alone. My husband does not understand at all so no help at all to talk to, in fact it is usually worse if try talking to him!

[jessy]

Hi Lin & suewith2

Thank you both for your reply's .

I would find it helpful to chat to you both , I feel very alone at the moment & am constantly battling this depression & anxiety .

I hate loosing control , I'm very stressed at the moment . X

[Lin]

Dear Jessy

I am willing to talk to you whenever I can. I know what it is like to get so stressed - some days my head literally feels like it is going to explode. I have to offload to either my Community Psychiatric Nurse in working hours, or out of hours to the nurses on the Crisis line. My CPN and Crisis nurses have all my notes so that they know what to talk about to bring me down, and that saying goodbye to my son and husband stops me from really being stupid.

I have talked to Samaritans to offload, and although they listen and understand really well, they do not know you or your family and so they would not be enough to stop me when I am really down from doing something stupid. But if I have no-one else then I ring them.

Yesterday I was in a bad mood from the moment my husband got up, about 4 hours after me, and although the day went OK and I got through an interview on what health course to do next term and a review with my nurse and psychiatrist, but during it I tried to do some shopping which was too much, I then tried to hurry while my knees are still not over recent operations, and then had a text from a close friend to say her mum had died. So these last few things and my underlying bad mood from the morning, meant that by the evening I hit rock bottom and could have done anything to just give in and get some peace.

But today I got up at 3/3.30 and my mood was calm and the whole day has been completely different, even so that I could push my head to go into a cafe and have lunch with two friends!

So it really is a case of having to battle with whatever your head or circumstances bring you each day.

I never know from one day to the next how I am going to feel or what I am going to be able to achieve, and when I am working full time in my pressured job it is extremely difficult to "act normal" throughout the day so that in the evening I just have no energy for home life or any head room to be considerate or kind to my poor husband. I usually just do nothing in the evenings and blob or cry.

So willing to help whenever you want me to.

[M.C]

There are times where I m on edge and I feel so frustrated and stressed that I start shouting at the children and my husband
I would fall in tears and say I can t do this anymore
My advice to you don't give up don't be the looser do it for your self do it for your kids and do it for your family
You are not allowed to let them down say that to your self every time you are tired of fighting

[Lin]

It is for my son and husband that I keep going. I have been told many times how you can destroy their lives for ever otherwise, even if you think you won't and that they would be better off without you.

[jessy]

Thanks for the reply's .

I'm still here , still struggling .

I feel so bad that I'm lost for words

Thank you for all the support xxx

[Judie]

Jessy, It is so very common for people with anxiety and depression to slip into a very dark place when it surfaces. I think with everyone the loss of control is a huge issue, some people more then others. People with Panic/Depression often have grown up with or been introduced to trauma along the way. Sometimes this is a result of being the child or spouse of an alcoholic. A person in that position has tried desperately to gain control of the situation, when that fails ( and it does fail) that person becomes anxious, depressed and seeks to " control" other situations. They want to " fix" everything, make it right. People who suffer from profound anxiety are these people, the "fixers" if you will. Their personalities are the ones everyone turns to for support, encouragement, often ignoring their own needs.Anxiety and Depression are the minds way of saying ( loud, so that you are sure to hear it ) "I don't like this, this is unbearable, I don't always want to be the one everyone leans, I need to lean on someone")...and Good for you Jessy, you are here on this Forum where there are people that will empathize and support you like Lin,M.C., Suewith2 as well as many others. Reaching out to the Forum means you are " proactive", you are taking care of you. You need a good therapist, someone you trust but even more important someone you feel " gets you", it's very hard in life for people to really dig deep to get at things that really trouble them, but even harder then that is releasing that information to another person. Over the years so many of us develop " trust issues" and justifiably so, people don't keep confidences, people cheat in relationships on and on " but" there is the right person/people out there for you to talk to. It is obvious that people care and are very concerned about you on the Forum. Fights of any kind are difficult, but battling depression is especially difficult. Lin is right knowledge helps all of us in a battle situation. Learn what you can about depression and anxiety. Sometimes it takes awhile but at some point puzzle pieces come together and things have a way of brightening. ( meds begin to work, good therapy, support groups ) Hang in there. In life sometimes it is so dark we can't see how very much we mean to other people, on those days you need someone else to turn on the light for you and remind you. Please take care of yourself. Hypnotherapy didn't help ? That's a tough one people, like all of us, who suffer from Panic are " control freaks" so they often won't allow themselves to let go, trust the hypnosis. I just started this for weight loss and all that's going on in my anxiety mind is " geez what if I get to a place in my mind and I can't get back." It's funny but it's not!!!!! But I am working at it and I find that I am getting better at it. That subliminal thought induced by hypnosis may just be enough to get you through tough times, that thought may be something as simple as " I can do this " " things will get better". If those thoughts are the ones in your subconscious they are more then capable of battling the other dark defeatist thoughts of depression. Sometimes the hardest thing about this Forum is that we are all spread out around the world but the Internet is an amazing " connection" tool. Hang in there, my/our thoughts are with you.

[jessy]

Judie ,

Thank you so very much for your post , means a lot to me
Thank you xxx

[mid]

One thing I will add here, is to keep track of how your hormones flow, because they are like the tide, they come in, they roll around the shore, and they go out again. Once I started a journal, I was able to add the thirty second pause to help me reset the pressure valve of the hormone switches. That thirty second pause can give you natural relief of the overwhelming sensations and allow you to honor your reaction within, and then move forward.
We can not change how others view the situation, we can change how we view the situation, how we respond, which does effectively change the reactions of others, because their usual response no longer fits.
I stopped fighting myself and embraced myself, and the battle is still going on, however, instead of being exhausted, fatigued, overwhelmed, frustrated, humiliated, embarrassed, and less than presentable to the outside, I'm learning how to be "me" naturally.
Hang in there, you are not alone.

[Kevcules]

VERY well said Judie!

I'll be starting on hypnotherapy soon and am praying it works. It's Jason Cyrus who I'm seeing , he does shows around the world. He's having a show in September which I am hoping to get on stage and be part of the show!! I'm worried that I'm a nervous anxious fella though , so my fingers are crossed!!!!

[Judie]

Judie ,

Thank you so very much for your post , means a lot to me
Thank you xxx
You are very welcome Jessy xxx right back at you. Be Well

[Judie]

VERY well said Judie!

I'll be starting on hypnotherapy soon and am praying it works. It's Jason Cyrus who I'm seeing , he does shows around the world. He's having a show in September which I am hoping to get on stage and be part of the show!! I'm worried that I'm a nervous anxious fella though , so my fingers are crossed!!!! Good for you Kevcules, now that takes guts ! Standing up to the beast, you'll win ! Let us know how it goes !