neverbeenright
07-21-2007, 11:08 AM
Hi everyone. Two months ago I started therapy and meds again and am worried that I can never really change and am wasting my time. I suffer from general anxiety disorder, social phobia and depression - and seemingly untouchable low self esteem. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. Been in and out of therapy the last 25 yrs, but nothing seems to come of it. I think because I can never really trust the drs. I talk and cry and leave feeling humiliated and embarassed. I'm taking Effexor now, which helps me get through the day a little easier, but that's about it. OK, here's what I want to ask about - whenever someone suggests that I do something good for myself, I have a reaction inside me that's something like anger, disgust, revulsion. Nearest I can tell, I hate myself so much that self-punishment of some kind is the only thing that feels right. It gives me a satisfied feeling. My current tactics for getting this satisfaction is poor eating habits, not getting enough sleep, not exercising or taking care of myself, etc. Just the idea of looking in the mirror and saying nice things to myself makes me feel sick and angry. It's confusing, because I do want to feel better in day-to-day life. Don't we all just want to be happy? But this seems to be a wall that I can't even approach, let alone get over. I'm wondering if I'm trapped and just wasting my time and money in therapy. If I can't even force myself to follow the simple suggestions that are supposed to help raise self-esteem, what hope is there? I've only shared this with a couple of people ever, and I got the feeling that they didn't get it - blank stare, you know what I mean? Although... my current therapist has not given me any of that "do something nice for yourself" crap, so maybe she really was listening. She probably can tell I wouldn't be able to come back if she did. I'd like to know if anyone relates and if anyone has ever really overcome it. I just want to know if there's hope. Thanks for reading - long and twisted, I know.