hi I'm new ..heres my story...

[cilla613]

When I was 15 I was diagnosed with depression. I was bullied in middle school and high school. Was a very painful time for me. I went to a junior college I couldn't finish I wasted a lot of time and money. I didnt feel smart enough. I took an EMT class I failed I had a chance of at least getting my CPR card. It was my turn and it was just the instructor and I .I still got really scared that I told him I couldn't do the hands on part of the test, and left crying. When I go out ,I look at everyone and i feel them looking at me and probably judging me. I have always been extremely self conscious about myself. Im very emotional too so when my anxiety comes I feel the urge to cry and stop what I'm doing and hide from everyone. Iam now 24 and I have a 2yr old boy. Being out in public is a constant struggle for me. As I'm getting older I feel it taking more control. I do go out some days are good. Any where I go I have this fear of everyone making fun of me . I talk so low in public because I don't want other people listening and judging. I took a medical assistant class I passed. Externship was difficult for me. But I did okay. I havnt applied for a medical assistant job because I'm scared of working with the doctor. And being judged by patients .I'm scared of everything now. I started therapy because I can't live my life afraid. Im going back to school next semester and I'm scared. I feel like a failure. I hate parking because I take forever to get it perfect and I don't want people to see me struggle. I hate this feeling so much. I have an appointment on the 1st of may to get evaluated for medication.

[Lin]

You have been ill for a long time but should be proud you have still managed so much, especially having a little boy.
You will feel a lot better once seen someone and get the right advice and tablets.
They may be able to recommend other things to help you as well as tablets.
I work full time but it takes all my energy as I hate going out, so we have no social life and I have to be pushed to go to any shops. I don't even like seeing work colleagues outside of work.
My psychiatrist recommended meditation so I go to a couple of groups - one Christian and one Buddhist, but I like both. The Christian one is a talk on a CD by a man in London then 20 minutes of silent meditation - after a day at work it is good to have some head time. The Buddha one is a talk and the meditation is guided meditation and is like the meditation you do on the NHS mindfulness course which is good too. I have found it easier to go to groups and meet new people than meet friends, and the people at the groups are very nice people too, most of them have had illnesses.
Hope you enjoy the forum, I only joined a few weeks ago but have already made friends on here and I really like it when I get a response. I have had some real help when i have needed it.
Lin

[abartlett331]

I totally understand what you're going through. I myself was also bullied as a kid and it took a severe toll on the way I see life. I try to distract myself by staying busy as much as possible. Whenever I start to feel any type of anxiety, I go for a long walk, hike, or bike ride. I also add in some yoga and meditation. This has really helped me cope with my anxiety attacks.

[Nelly]

Hi cilla - sounds tough, and familiar. If I were you, I would read about introverts and extroverts in Myers Briggs personality description. It opened my eyes to some stuff about my self.
Also Ted talks about being introvert in an extroverted world.
It is not us, it is the world - and then we have been bullied for being us, which means that we grew up feeling like shit and spending all our brain activity thinking stress and focusing on 'what's wrong with me?' Instead of doing and thinking what we love and what gives us energy.
I am struggling with a stupid academic thesis, that I shouldn't have started. I haven't read enough because of stress and anxiety throughout my life. So even though I am fairly intelligent, I just fucked it up with stress and now i am writing a shit thesis. How to accept my mistakes?
Meditation I probably a good idea. And also I a group with other introverts who have been challenged way over human capacity growing up. I try to think that I am cool for still staying here in this world and fighting. Is that not the basic most cool thing anyone can ever do? Despite hardships then just staying and doing the right thing?!
I will do the right and most kind thing towards my troubled self today.
What is the good thing for you today?
:) good thoughts to all of you

[Alex010096]

Hi Cilla,

Just to add to Nelly's comment, there is a wonderful book called Quiet by Susan Cain that really made me see how introversion is not a negative thing, but just an important quality that makes me me. It even has some positive value. Steve Jobs was an introvert. There are many of us out there.
I'm sending out all the love and support you might want!