livingwithhope
07-18-2007, 12:35 AM
I will try to condense my story as much as possible without pushing aside juicy details. To start from the beginning:
Through middle school and most of highschool I was a very active and social teenager. I dated, I had a lot of friends and I was heavily involved with the student body - a student ambassador even. I could give a speech on the spot and I was told I talked too much. This all changed at the end of my junior year.
In English class we had an assignment to tell a joke in front of the class, no problem right? Well, I thought of a hilarious one and when it was my turn I took my place at the podium. Half way through the joke, I forgot the end. All of a sudden my heart felt like it was beating so hard that it was going to explode, my hands started to shake and the rest of my body soon followed. My classmates looked confused and I turned beet red and started sweating a lot which was uncommon for me. My teacher saved me and finished the joke for me and I sat down. That was the beginning of my end. Did I just have a panic attack? for the sake of time I will just call it that.
At 17 I moved to San Francisco to attend fashion school. I enjoyed it, had a great roommate and I worked for Armani as a sales shark. All that on the outside masked what was on the inside. I had developed new fears in addition to giving speeches. I became afraid of balloons and I had a difficult time dealing with confrontation - never problems before...then I was required to take a speech class, my instructor was sweet, half the kids in the class were just as scared as I was however I survived and got a "B" in the class. Then I met a guy, made the mistake to move to oakland in a studio on my own. It was there that I was left to create the person I feel that I am today.
I became addicted to food, I ended up gaining 20 pounds in a year...I would binge eat Taco Bell. I went from a size 4 to a size 10 which I feel led to my anxiety getting out of hand. One day I started crying and I couldnt stop, I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with a "mild case of depression" and I began taking Zoloft. The worst part was that my speech anxiety grew also - not just my pant size. Often I had trouble looking at people in the eye, and occasionally when i talked to someone new aside from customers at work, I would have a panic attack. The strange thing is that this happens unannounced but over the years it has gotten more intense.
Long story short...haha i guess its not that short...but I moved back with my parents 5 months ago to try and regain that independant person that I used to be. I concentrated on myself and now I feel that I am confident enough to function on my own...sorta...well the attacks are less frequent and I don't feel that I am depressed, I am no longer on meds however the panic attacks are still there. When I see people I used to know I have small attacks...I feel as if I'm giving a speech - naked - even if i'm talking to only one person! When I started my job I would get what I call "short burst attacks" before answering the phones and when I talked to my bosses. Is this just an insecurity thing?
I went to a seminar today and I didnt have an full attack however my heart rate was up most the time and I felt uncomfortable and sweaty because I was afraid that the speaker would address me infront of the other participants, this has got to stop! The thing with balloons is still bothersome, but the thing is that I KNOW that the fear is in my mind...at first i made it into a sort of cute joke but then it turned into an actual fear....? And what about school? I start back in August and I really would like to at least be working on these problems... at LEAST be able to feel confortable in classes! some have suggested therapy? I hate meds- the side effects especially! what do therapists do? how do you do it? I bought some anxiety books on Amazon....I really want to kick this thing, it's been ruling my life WAY too long and it just isnt me!! HELP?! any advice is appreciated!
Oh one thing that really helps is called Rescue Spray and you get it at natural foods stores, it looks like breath spray, tastes like tequila but is made from plant esscenses and two sprays at the beginning of an attack really seem to help....it's amazing but it helps!
Through middle school and most of highschool I was a very active and social teenager. I dated, I had a lot of friends and I was heavily involved with the student body - a student ambassador even. I could give a speech on the spot and I was told I talked too much. This all changed at the end of my junior year.
In English class we had an assignment to tell a joke in front of the class, no problem right? Well, I thought of a hilarious one and when it was my turn I took my place at the podium. Half way through the joke, I forgot the end. All of a sudden my heart felt like it was beating so hard that it was going to explode, my hands started to shake and the rest of my body soon followed. My classmates looked confused and I turned beet red and started sweating a lot which was uncommon for me. My teacher saved me and finished the joke for me and I sat down. That was the beginning of my end. Did I just have a panic attack? for the sake of time I will just call it that.
At 17 I moved to San Francisco to attend fashion school. I enjoyed it, had a great roommate and I worked for Armani as a sales shark. All that on the outside masked what was on the inside. I had developed new fears in addition to giving speeches. I became afraid of balloons and I had a difficult time dealing with confrontation - never problems before...then I was required to take a speech class, my instructor was sweet, half the kids in the class were just as scared as I was however I survived and got a "B" in the class. Then I met a guy, made the mistake to move to oakland in a studio on my own. It was there that I was left to create the person I feel that I am today.
I became addicted to food, I ended up gaining 20 pounds in a year...I would binge eat Taco Bell. I went from a size 4 to a size 10 which I feel led to my anxiety getting out of hand. One day I started crying and I couldnt stop, I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with a "mild case of depression" and I began taking Zoloft. The worst part was that my speech anxiety grew also - not just my pant size. Often I had trouble looking at people in the eye, and occasionally when i talked to someone new aside from customers at work, I would have a panic attack. The strange thing is that this happens unannounced but over the years it has gotten more intense.
Long story short...haha i guess its not that short...but I moved back with my parents 5 months ago to try and regain that independant person that I used to be. I concentrated on myself and now I feel that I am confident enough to function on my own...sorta...well the attacks are less frequent and I don't feel that I am depressed, I am no longer on meds however the panic attacks are still there. When I see people I used to know I have small attacks...I feel as if I'm giving a speech - naked - even if i'm talking to only one person! When I started my job I would get what I call "short burst attacks" before answering the phones and when I talked to my bosses. Is this just an insecurity thing?
I went to a seminar today and I didnt have an full attack however my heart rate was up most the time and I felt uncomfortable and sweaty because I was afraid that the speaker would address me infront of the other participants, this has got to stop! The thing with balloons is still bothersome, but the thing is that I KNOW that the fear is in my mind...at first i made it into a sort of cute joke but then it turned into an actual fear....? And what about school? I start back in August and I really would like to at least be working on these problems... at LEAST be able to feel confortable in classes! some have suggested therapy? I hate meds- the side effects especially! what do therapists do? how do you do it? I bought some anxiety books on Amazon....I really want to kick this thing, it's been ruling my life WAY too long and it just isnt me!! HELP?! any advice is appreciated!
Oh one thing that really helps is called Rescue Spray and you get it at natural foods stores, it looks like breath spray, tastes like tequila but is made from plant esscenses and two sprays at the beginning of an attack really seem to help....it's amazing but it helps!