A leap of Faith - My first post

[Jeppi]

Hey guys and girls. You're about to read my first post ever on these forums and it's going to be a leap of faith from my side as I'm unsure what response to expect here. All I know is that it sure is worth a try! I'm in need of advice.. but first a bit of my story in order to give you some kind of background:

So, my childhood? I was a calm child, raised by wonderful parents. I obeyed the rules, read my homework, played computer games and did a lot of role-playing with my big sister. However already in this stage I began to develop irrational fears, as long as I can remember I've been slightly emetophobic (having an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting). As far as I can remember I was still happy at this time. My real trouble started in the second week of my 8th grade (age 13/14) when I got my first real panic attack because of trying to eat in the schools restaurant, I thought I was going to puke. The rest of the year was a struggle. I was completely physically examined and even got like 2 months off school - doctors prescription, but nothing helped and from my schools perspective it didn't help that my papers said that I was in "good" healthy. Worst of all my parents started to "fight" during this time. They were both pulling for completely different solutions and the breaking of that "fighting" can still be seen today. In fact, I wish they'd split up because now each time I go home I get reminded of what I "started" with my panic attacks. I don't blame myself for it but I know I was the reason behind it.

In the end of my 8th grade another disaster struck (... a long story but I'll keep it to the utter necessities), I met this girl which was obviously interested in me while I wasn't interested in her. For 1 and a half month she built up this "great world" for me, made me think I was something else, something more. However, just before summer break it was revealed that everything she'd ever told me was a lie, I'd been used and I'd been a bloody fool. She didn't have a good reputation before I met her but I didn't listen to what my "friends" said. At the time I thought about giving everyone a chance before judging them. The rest of my time in junior and senior high school I got lightly bullied for it (Small school). So much for friends...

I've gotten a lot of help from various psychologists but treatment has always been on the symptoms not the cause and the positive change has never been permanent. I've also done a lot of different activities in order to escape my anxiety, to feel better. I was cycling, almost made it to a national level before I got injured. After that running, almost became an ultra runner before I had to stop because I was killing myself. Now I'm into weight lifting but more on a recreational level. What all the hobbies had in common was that they didn't require anyone else in order to do them. I've always been a bit of a lone wolf or... never had good enough friends to depend on.

I'm now 20 years of age and still carry crippling scares from my past. I don't know what to do with my life. When summer comes I'm going to quit my second bachelor's program because it just isn't for me (done 1 and a half year in total at university). I had high hopes for the university environment but so far I've mostly encountered people on the brick of becoming alcoholist's. The only real friend I have is going to move to Australia (9000-ish km away from where I live) with his girlfriend. I've gotten an invitation to follow with him but as I'm shit scared of flying, because of my emetophobia and because I've never told him about my panic attacks, I'm unsure if I should go. Do you think moving 9000km away from your "home" is a bit radical for me and me state of mind?

I'm pretty much writing this because I'm feeling hopeless and alone, like walking in a dark space that never ends. I'm wondering if anyone else have similar problems? Does anyone have any suggestion what I should do to get my life straight again? Should I move? I have thousands of questions but few answers...

If you got all the way through, thanks for reading!

Regards,
Jeppi

[trinidiva]

Hello there.
First, let me say welcome!!!! This forum is full of great people, always willing to listen and help.

I tend to agree with you about moving....not sure if moving that far away to be close to a friend who more than likely will be very busy with his girlfriend is the best idea. Just my opinion.
As far as your past, its good to recognize what might of caused your anxiety issues, but don't let them define your life today.
I'm curious, what exactly do you want to do, career wise? What is attainable and would make you happy? Perhaps writing a list of goals and the steps needed to attain those goals might help.
Also, have you shared this issue of anxiety with your family? If so, are they supportive?
Fear of flying...ugh...that is my fear/phobia. I still am able to get on the flights, but I spend a lot of time obsessing over the safety of the plane (although logically I know its safer than driving) and I usually have to end up taking a xanax before the flight so I can relax. I'm still working on it, but I still want to see the world, so I deal with the fear and just go.

[Jeppi]

Hello there.
I tend to agree with you about moving....not sure if moving that far away to be close to a friend who more than likely will be very busy with his girlfriend is the best idea. Just my opinion.

I wouldn't only be moving to be close to a friend, there are also some other advantages with AUS namely climate and work opportunities. Still what you say is true!


What exactly do you want to do, career wise? What is attainable and would make you happy?

I have a vague idea of what would make me happy, career wise, and I sure know what I don't want to be doing! I'm thinking of going into Psychology or Political science/Communication (Journalism). All of the options are attainable as long as I sort out my financing, as I'm at the moment running out of luxury of having study grants for another full bachelor's program (3 years).


Have you shared this issue of anxiety with your family? If so, are they supportive?

They know very well about it but most of the time fail to be supportive as they got a really hard time understanding anxiety. I guess they're old fashioned, not treating anxiety problems as real problems.


Fear of flying...ugh...that is my fear/phobia

And Xanax works well? I also want to see the world but taking the first vital step is sometimes really hard! How did you get past this dilemma?